Another big week, another big departure. They’re dropping like flies at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Fortunately for our President, there’s plenty of you-know-what around to attract some more. Without further ado:

Monday, August 27
-Dick Cheney sees Superbad, smirks repeatedly.
-The press catches wind of Alberto Gonzales’ departure. Feeling sentimental after watching the retrospectives on his tenure, Gonzales decides to put together a scrapbook to preserve the good memories. Here’s an excerpt:

Halloween, 2005: Me as a public servant and Sandra as a giant pilgrim!

Tuesday, August 28
-The US Census Bureau reports that the rate of uninsured American adults and children jumped in 2006. Dick Cheney googles “priapism”.
-The Associated Press reports that Army is widening their investigations of waste, fraud, and abuse in contracts in Iraq and Afghanistan, including those held by Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg, Brown, and Root. Bush’s advisers rebuff his suggestion that Gonzales oversee the investigation. “What about Brownie?” “No, sir, he won’t do either.” After much haggling, they settle on Thomas White.
-Cheney: Send Thomas White a bottle of scotch and a pair of concrete shoes with the note “Thomas, I hope you don’t have to wear them. Dick.”
Aide: We can’t do that, sir. That would be illegal.
Cheney: GODDAMNIT, THAT’S HOW I ROLL!!
Cheney receives a shock from his pacemaker.

Wednesday, August 29th
-Al Gonzales and Karl Rove play Edward 40-hands in the Rose Garden. Before passing out, they engage in a little bonding.

KARL: What are we gonna do, Gonzo?
AL: If you’ll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal.
KARL: We are sooo gonna end up at the Carlyle Group.
AL: Fuckin’ A.

Thursday, August 30th
-General Petraeus reports from the Green Zone that the surge is working.

The General flashes that winning Green Zone grin.

Petraeus watches grass grow, surge work. Secretary Gates wonders why he accepted the nomination.

Friday, August 31
Karl Rove’s last day as White House deputy chief of staff. Feeling sly, he attempts to make off with the Golden Tee game from the Lincoln Bedroom, wheeling it out on a dolly. Cheney catches him and slaps him across the face. The Vice President then pulls out his heart rate monitor. “See,” he says. “It didn’t even go up.”

Rick White, once again, with the game on the line and a well-rested Putz in the ‘pen? You’re doing a heckuva job, Johnny.

Team USA’s Kobe Bryant does the Larry Craig against Brazil’s Leandro Barbosa.

Time for some NBA gossip…

Seen at Las Vegas’ Body English in the Hard Rock Cafe: Lebron James, Carmelo Anthony, Leandro Barbosa, Deron Williams, and…Rick Mahorn? (Clubgoer Mateo says the gentleman in the Ed Hardy hat was a dead ringer for the former Bad Boy and current Detroit Shock assistant coach.) When the spotlight shone on the Global Icon (pictured below), “all the [women] turned towards him and started aggressively gyrating their bodies.”

Throwin’ up the diamond, the Global Icon signals that he’ll be taking Kanye’s side in the approaching 9/11 sales battle. “If 50 wins, I’m not passing the ball to Eric Snow all year.” He then thought better of his conditional. “Hell, I’m not passing him the ball no matter what.”

Meanwhile, in Seattle, Vlad Radmanovic was seen closing down Belltown’s Amber. Our source Lorraine, who was at the club as part of a bachelorette party, said she was approached by the Lakers/X-games star, who sported what she described as “1980s Eastern Bloc chic” attire and an eerily deep, breathy, Serbo-Croat drawl. Their interaction went as follows:

Vlad approaches bachelorette party and sits down next to Lorraine.
Vlad: Hi. What’s your name?
Lorraine: Lorraine. What’s your name?
Vlad: Vladimir. Where do you live?
Lorraine: Around here.
Vlad: Where do you live?
Lorraine: Close by. Where do you live?
Vlad: Bellevue.
(Brief silence)
Vlad: My friends ditched me.
Lorraine: Oh, bummer.
(Vlad typing on his blackberry ):
Lorraine: Who are you calling?
Vlad: My lawyer.
(Vlad gets up)
Vlad: How tall are you?
Lorraine (a little taken aback): 5′7″ or 5′8″.
Vlad (bends over and pulls up her pant leg to check her heels.): How tall are you?
Lorraine: 5′7″ or 5′8″, but I have tall heels on. How tall are you?
Vlad: Seven.
(Vlad pulls up her pant leg again to look at her heels. He then does the same with Bachelorette.)
Vlad (to Bachelorette): How tall are you?
Bachelorette: 5′ 10″. How tall are you?
Vlad: Seven.
(Vlad stands in silence for a little bit)
Bachelorette: What do you do?
(Vlad shrugs, smiles, looks around club.)
Lorraine: You must play sports.
(Vlad shrugs and smiles again. The Club turns the lights on, signaling closing time.)
Vlad: Goodbye.

It’s not a roller coaster, Vlad; you don’t gotta lie about your height.

Too bad Lorraine didn’t have the opportunity to dance with Vlad, cuz he can get down:

That’s all the NBA gossip for now, folks. Rest assured I’ll keep you posted on any hot new scoop

Look, Ma—no callouses!

Alberto Gonzales
United States Attorney General, February 14, 2005 - September 17, 2007

“Even my worst days as Attorney General have been better than my father’s best days…I have lived the American Dream.”

Translation: My father may have been an honest man who performed a less-than-glamorous job with integrity. And I may have countenanced torture, felonious wiretapping, and numerous other misdeeds and malfeasances. But at least I got to do it in a suit behind a desk. At least my hands are soft.

Congratulations, America. Condolences, American Dream.

From the where-are-they-now category: I’ve received a hot tip from a deep source that former Providence Friar and Washington Wizard God Shammgod will be trying out for the Milwaukee Bucks next week. The globetrotting Shammgod’s career has taken him to, among other places, Poland, Saudi Arabia, and, most recently, China, where his playing time was limited by a ceiling on minutes for foreign players. Perhaps the Bucks hope that Shammgod, with his experience in China, can help ease the transition of the still unsigned Yi Jianlian, their Chinese phenom lottery pick. More likely, though, is that in scouting Yi, the Bucks discovered that Shammgod has developed a jumper to complement his ridiculous handle, finally making him an NBA point guard.

Those who watched him in college likely remember Shammgod’s ankle-breaking moves. In fact, one move, in which he drives right, then without directing the dribble to his left, reaches across with his left hand and pulls the ball left, changing directions as he does so–creating a sort of mid-drive, one-handed crossover–now bears his name. If you go to YouTube and search for Shammgod or Shamgod, you will see many examples from many people. Here is a demonstration from God himself:

However, searching through the YouTube clips and reading the comments left on them, it seems that the “Shammgod” may not have originated with Shammgod. One YouTube user created a highlight compilation of Yugoslavian players performing “El Latigo” (Spanish for “The Whip”)—which is basically the same move as the Shammgod. The videos go as far back as 1980, or so the compilation’s producer tells us. The video suggests that the move was popularized by Dejan Bodiroga but originated with Danko “El Killer del Perimetro” Cvjeticanin, a Croatian who now works in scouting for the Philadelphia 76ers.

How did a move supposedly peformed and popularized in Yugoslavia and the former Yugoslavian Republics become known by a Spanish name? (Update: Reader and friend Mike points out that Bodiroga played in Spain–dunno how I missed that one.) And certainly, it’s strange (and humbling for American hoop nationalists) to see that Shammgod’s perceived innovation in the crossover had actually been around for at least 15 or so years. The general perception is that America–particularly its urban courts–serves as the incubator for the game’s dribbling innovations. That often seems to be the case, but probably not here.

Finally, why hasn’t “El Latigo/Shammgod” caught on in the NBA? More often, you’ll see a player perform a similar move one-handed all the way–i.e. dribbling right, faking the cross to the left, but keeping the ball in the right hand and proceeding right. Kobe Bryant does this a lot. A YouTube clip purports to show Manu Ginobili performing the Shammgod, but it’s just an ordinary crossover followed by a spin. In my opinion, the most likely Latigo-ers in the NBA are Jamal Crawford, Kobe Bryant, Rafer Alston, Steve Nash, Ginobili, and Sebastian Telfair (and of course God himself, should the Milwaukee Bucks deem him worthy). Jason Williams should probably make the list, too, though I fear his ankle-breaking days are close to done. Anyone else? Can I get a witness to a Latigo?

This week, I take a behind-the-scenes look, showing the men of the executive branch in their unguarded moments. As you’ll see, life in the corridors of power isn’t all hard work and agonizing decisions.

Monday, August 20th
-Suffering from short-timer syndrome, Karl Rove boasts that he has now recorded the top five scores on the Big Buck Hunter Pro in the mini-arcade in the Lincoln bedroom. Upon hearing Rove’s boast, Dick Cheney smirks. He joins Rove for a two-player game and his hunter shoots Rove’s in the face.

Tuesday, August 21st
-Cheney: Hey Karl, what do you get when you adopt standards to prevent states from extending the CHIP program to cover more children?
(Rove looks back from game of Golden Tee, shrugs)
Cheney: A boner!

Wednesday, August 22nd
-The Texas Rangers, formerly partially-owned by the President, score 30 runs in a game, the most in the modern era. The President is elated. He receives his weekly call from General Petraeus. “How ’bout them Rangers?” Bush asks, jovially. Petraeus launches into a detailed explanation of special forces operations in the Al-Anbar province. Bush loses interest, passes the phone to Cheney.
-The President delivers a speech defending the American presence in Iraq by likening it to the American presence in Vietnam in the 60s and 70s. Before Bush can finish his assertion that US withdrawal from Vietnam led to the rise of Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia, Tony Snow has snuck out the back door. He brushes aside aides who remind him of his duties to the President, yelling “Tell him I have cancer!”

Thursday, August 23rd
-Looking for lessons on how to defeat insurgents, win hearts and minds, Bush watches American movies set in the Vietnam War.
-Petraeus, Joint Chiefs reject Bush’s suggested Surge title, “Operation Rambo Drop.”

Friday, August 24th
-Petraeus threatens to quit if asked one more time, “What are we doing about this Jason Bourne?”
-The President, lately a scholar in history, ruins the screen of his laptop when highlighting “1215 - Pope Innocent III declares Magna Carta invalid” on wikipedia “This Day in History” page.

ESPN reports that Milwaukee’s Best, Latrell Sprewell’s $1.5 million yacht, has been repossessed.

The bank intends to put the yacht up for auction. Potential buyers include Gavin McLeod and Fred Smoot. In the interest of feeding his family, Spree has offered his services as First Mate.

Crazy Legs because his legs, like his arms, go on forever. If ever there were an argument to bring short shorts back to the NBA (and I think there are several, but I’ll proceed on the assumption that I have to choose one), it’s Kevin Durant. The man’s a freak, with the grace of a dancer animating the body of that really tall kid who’s still too uncoordinated to play varsity. It’s both comic and haunting, like a stilt-walker or a deep-voiced talking baby in a bad comedy. Imagine how the effect would be enhanced in a tighter, shorter uniform. NBA players are spidery, and none more so than Durant. We have throwback jerseys and shoes. It’s time to do the same with shorts.

This could get freakier

Crazy Legs because of what precedes him, and what he’s about to do. ESPN reports that Team USA has cut Durant from its Olympic-qualifying tournament squad. A precocious 18, Durant dropped 22 on America’s finest in an intense scrimmage earlier this month, but still couldn’t earn himself a spot on the roster. The stuff of stardom?

Peep this, from Jeff Chang’s hip-hop history, Can’t Stop, Won’t Stop, on the original—B-boy pioneer Richard “Crazy Legs” Colon:

“He and his cousin Lenny had battled two leaders of the original Rock Steady Crew…and lost…they had shown much heart…He was being cheated of his chance to prove himself. He was all of thirteen years old, and he ached for the past. So Crazy Legs embarked on a mission. Like a character in one of the Times Square kung-fu flicks he loved, he traveled through the city to find and challenge every remaining b-boy.”

The namesake

So shall it be with Durant. I pity the fool who must guard him now, as his boundless talents shall be infused with a renewed tenacity. The man whom Blazers GM Kevin Pritchard called “an assassin” and sportswriter Bill Simmons “a cold-blooded killer” just got a little more dangerous.

Sure, he’s already been dubbed Plastic Man and Durantula, but when NBA stoppers toss and turn, twisted and cocooned in their high-thread-count sheets the night before they play the SuperSonics, it will be one name they think they hear whispered through the open window, from the darkened bathroom, through the static on that clock radio they swear they turned off:

Crazy Legs

Cross-posted to Buzzer Beater, the Seattle Weekly’s sports blog. I write there also.

In all likelihood, “This Week in the Bush Administration” won’t be a regular feature here. And, thankfully, it doesn’t have the potential for an unlimited run. But a turd blossom hit the fan on Monday, so I figured we ought to take a look.

Monday, August 13th:
-Karl Rove announces he will resign as White House deputy chief of staff, effective September 1st.
-Slate’s John Dickerson publishes an article entitled “Spinner Emeritus: Karl Rove’s Next Job”.
-Prompted by Dickerson’s article, and looking to earn a little spending money before the ‘08 races, Rove decides he might teach for a semester. He searches craigslist for positions.

Tuesday, August 14th
-Rove isn’t the only one ready for a new challenge. The L.A. Times reports a new job responsibility for Alberto Gonzales. Having demonstrated exemplary skills in the termination of employees’ contracts, the Attorney General has been promoted to overseeing the termination of human beings. (Thanks, Patriot Act!)
-Stephen Hawking reads the LA Times story and gives up on finding a Theory of Everything.

Wednesday, August 15th
-Rove answers craigslist ad. After a quick exchange, he accepts the position, which begins on Friday. “Emeritus, my ass” he thinks. “I’ve still got it. Nobody spins like I do.”

Thursday, August 16th
-Tony Snow equivocates.

Friday, August 17th
-Patrons of the Greater DC YMCA are angry that their spin instructor does not have a workout planned for them. What’s more, he appears to be in poor physical condition. They leave the class and demand a refund.
-Rove is left alone in the room to stare at a row of unoccupied cycles. Things just haven’t gone right since those midterms.

One is the loneliest number, Karl.