A few years ago, my friend Jason told me that Prince could ball. Whenever I’ve repeated this, people have assumed that I got it from the Chappelle Show. When I told them I got it from Jason, they assumed that he got it from the Chappelle Show. However, thanks to the work of some industrious bloggers (and a reporter from MTV), the truth is out, and Jason, Prince, and I are all vindicated.

In the Chappelle Show “True Hollywood Stories” skit, Charlie Murphy recounted how he, brother Eddie, and some friends lost a pick-up game to Prince and the Revolution, who played in their dandy-ish concert gear. Prince recently confirmed the story–minus the fancy attire–in an MTV interview. When asked about his vaunted crossover–the version displayed in the Chappelle sketch was decidedly more 21st century/And1 tour than what one would’ve expected of a baller in 1984–Prince said “we didn’t call it crossover back then…just speed.”

Bryant Junior High team, circa 1970 or ‘71. The Artist wears #3.

Funny how the Captain of “the Blouses” (so dubbed in the Chappelle sketch) was so spartan in describing his moves, while the NBA’s most infamous homophobe, Tim “I hate gay people” Hardaway, fluttered about the hardwood with a little dance entitled “the UTEP two-step.” Perhaps if your wrist had been a little looser, Mr. Hardaway, you’d have improved on that career .431 field goal percentage.

But enough on the odious jocks of yore. While Hardaway now expiates in P.R. purgatory–this writer won’t be disappointed if he’s gone for good–Prince has returned to illuminate the world of sports with the purple glow of his genius. No doubt it’s old news, but it’s worth recycling. Here he is, in the best Super Bowl halftime performance in recent memory (a dubious honor, no doubt, but this was just pure virtuosity):

Bonus points for flipping the FCC the crotch rocket via silhouette.

Looking through old Prince album covers, I couldn’t help but notice the resemblance between Prince, circa Prince, and hip-hop’s favorite current dandy, Andre 3000, circa Speakerboxxx/The Love Below.

With Prince pushing 50, this made me wonder who will be next to carry the torch of the secret baller of showbusiness. Given the cultural nexus between hip-hop and basketball, can Andre 3000, or any hip-hop artist, truly shock us by having skills? After all, Master P almost played for two NBA teams, his son Lil Romeo has a scholarship to play at USC, and Nelly has shown a decent off-the-dribble repertoire, while pro ballers Allen Iverson, Tony Parker, Troy Hudson, and Shaquille O’Neal have all tried their hand at the rap game.

And as with all levels of sports, scouting has improved; MTV had its Rock n’ Jock Jams through the 90’s, and the NBA now puts on a celebrity game during All-Star Weekend. Thus, unlikely baller Tony Potts, of Access Hollywood sorta-fame, is no longer an undiscovered talent. So where, then, lie the hidden gems?

I’ve taken the lessons of a lifetime of basketball and general television/movie viewing to assemble the following starting five of unlikely ballers. I don’t give them positions because real ballers don’t need ‘em.

Michael Jackson

You may think this an unimaginative selection, given the similarities to Prince (chart dominance in the 80s, elaborate costumes, effeminate appearance). Also, there is the issue of age–like Prince, Jackson is nearly 50. But an unlikely baller is an unlikely baller. Like many other sports, basketball favors physical size, and its culture features macho posturing and an undercurrent of homophobia. The King of Pop is slight, far from macho, and perhaps not heterosexual. Finally, while Prince obviously grew up playing the game, strict taskmaster Papa Joe seemed unlikely to have allowed Michael, Jermaine, & co. the spare time to shoot around at the park. But the seasoned observer will note several elements working in MJ’s favor:

Age: Again, the calendar says he is 48, but we have to remember that he spent the better part of 17 years living at Neverland Ranch, where nobody ages. Thus, MJ’s real age is closer to 31–past prime, for most ballers, but not by much.

Agility: Basketball is a game of balance, quickness, and lateral movement, all traits displayed by MJ.

Large hands: In his book, Bo knows Bo (yes, I own it), Bo Jackson recounts meeting the King of Pop and marveling at the size of his hands. Large hands have been a boost to the careers of many famous ballers–the acrobatics of Jordan and Erving were possible partly as a result of their ability to palm a ball easily, and John Stockton’s surehandedness at the point was certainly enhanced by his massive mitts.

Jack Black

Short, chubby, and white, Black isn’t the archetypal baller. But just like his name belies his hue, his physique belies his abilities. Check out the rhythm (an underrated element of an effective crossover) and agility on display here:

And, of course, there is the obvious; his band’s name is taken from the sport itself. “Tenacious D” implies not only a familiarity with the game and one of its finest play-by-play announcers, Marv Albert, but also a commitment to defense that is rare in the entertainment world. Anyone who has watched a Rock n’ Jock or Celebrity All-Star game (and I’ve watched many) can attest to how little effort entertainers expend on the defensive end of the floor. Black has the quickness and tenacity to set himself apart from his peers. And he even pondered naming his son after “The Big Aristotle“: “I was gonna go with Shaq Black, but then Shaq moved to Miami, so no dice.”

Eva Longoria

Best known as Wisteria Lane’s Gabrielle Solis–fashion-obsessed, prissy, and loathe to break a nail (much less an opponent’s ankles)–Longoria nevertheless appears likely to possess both a knowledge of and aptitude for balling. First, she is married to baller extraordinaire Tony Parker. Balance Toi!

Second, her brother Evan was the third overall pick in the 2006 Major League Baseball draft, and is considered one of the best third base prospects in the minor leagues. Clearly, her bloodlines carry some athletic talent.

Dustin Diamond

The slight is not just a way to make a baller mad; it’s a way to make a baller. Gilbert Arenas, for example, has built a career on carrying a grudge, attempting every year to prove to every team that they made a mistake by passing on him in the first round.

And so it may be with Dustin Diamond. As the guy who played Screech, he’s been perennially clowned on both sides of the screen. Even as he grew to a sturdy 6′, the producers insisted he speak in an exaggerated, pubescent voice that made Peter Brady’s famous croak sound subtle.

Now he’s a decent-sized guy, not yet 30, with quick enough hands and a desire to get back at the world, as anyone who saw him defeat Welcome Back Kotter’s Horshack on Celebrity Boxing can attest. (Said ESPN’s Bill Simmons: “Screech looks like he has heard one too many Screech jokes over the years. He’s a homicide waiting to happen.”)

Should that be enough to get him a spot on the unlikely ballers starting five? After all, young, 6′ entertainers are a dime a dozen.

Well, say what you will about Bruce Bowen being dirty (he’s dirty), but is he the only long-armed 6′7″ dude in the league with quick feet? The NBA’s full of them. Bowen never played on an AAU team, never got to sit in the green room on draft night, never got a shoe contract, and, like Screech, he looks a little funny. Some dudes just have reason to want it a little more.

Carrot Top

The last spot goes to the least likely of the unlikely ballers. Carrot Top may be a clown, and his hoop audition with 1-800-collect may have been less than inspiring, but he certainly looks like he’s ready to set some nasty picks. Every team needs its muscle, and Diamond might not be able to take care of all the dirty work on his own.

That about does it. If you have your own suggestions for who should be starting for the Secret Ballers of Showbusiness, comment away.

1977 The year of my birth, an early ditty by The Clash, and a recent day at the ballpark. Indeed, Sunday was “Turn Back the Clock Day” at Seattle’s Safeco Field, wherein the Baseball Gods (or at least those savvy capitalists at MLB) transplanted us to that magical year when a cardiganed Carter lectured on energy policy and Officers Francis Poncherello and Jon Baker first patrolled California’s highways on CHiPs.

In addition to providing free hats to the first 20,000 fans, the promoters got Erik Estrada–”Ponch” himself–to ride his motorcycle, throw out the first pitch, and rub elbows with the fans in a meet-and-greet autograph session. (Any guesses on what that cost for the afternoon? I’ll go with $5,000.) Ponch’s smile was as wide and white as ever, charming nostalgists and newbies alike. ‘Twas like a scene penned by June Carter when he mounted his trusty motorbike and the flashbulbs popped ’round him in a ring of fire.

I was too late (and the line too long) to achieve an audience with Ponch, but I managed to squeeze in some photo-ops nonetheless.

Note the vintage Mariners’ jersey worn by Estrada and the free cap by the author

The game featured many lead changes and, appropriately, a stirring comeback by the Mariners–clad in their ‘77 unis–for the win.

Can the Land Shark sink his teeth into an OPS above .700?

Last October, at my cousin Jennifer’s wedding reception, I had the pleasure of seeing my Uncle Louie dance. His physique resembles Vincent Vega’s (plus a few pounds), but his twist is without comparison. I was left in disbelief at his grace and the fact that he and I are related.

Where is this anecdote going, you ask?

Well, when the 7th-inning stretch arrived and the P.A. system began playing “Louie Louie”, I thought of my rug-cutting uncle and decided to give his moves a try. While I failed even to approach his rhythmic grace (it may have looked more like the robot than the twist), I did attract the attention of whoever decides what to show on the big screen. Thus, a stadium full of fans was treated to an extended session of this.

To cleanse your palate of that awkwardness, I leave you with the contrastingly suave Ponch, as featured in a 1977 promotional trailer for CHiPs. Enjoy!