• ESPN Page 2 - The Sports Guy: Idiot’s Guide to the Isiah Trial - As always, top-notch stuff from the Sports Guy.
• What’s goin’ on in Leo?: Ssssh - Brief, dumb, but very funny joke.
• The Loan That Keeps On Taking - New York Times - Brings to mind the old Mark Twain quote: “What is the chief aim of man? To get rich. How? Dishonestly if we can, honestly if we must.”
• IMF looks to salvage its global relevance - International Herald Tribune - Not sure how I feel about this one. I like the idea of a safety net, but I don’t have much confidence that a revitalized IMF will be a big help to developing countries that find themselves in trouble.
• Glenn Greenwald - Political Blogs and Opinions - Salon - Greenwald does it again. One of the best takedowns of David Brooks I’ve read.
• School discipline tougher on African Americans - chicagotribune.com - The soft bigotry of not enforcing the law: Despite obvious evidence of problems, the Bush Administration’s Education Department Office of Civil Rights has opened just one investigation in the last three years into racially biased discipline in schools.
• More Profit and Less Nursing at Many Homes - New York Times - Dishonestly if we can…

Monday, September 24th

-Dick Cheney, David Addington, Condi Rice, Dana Perino, David Petraeus, and a visiting Karl Rove sit at the White House Cafeteria’s “cool” lunch table.
“Hey guys,” says Cheney. “What’s black and gets a fair shake in the Bush Administration?”
“Hmmm,” says Perino.
“Latinos!” Rove answers eagerly.
Cheney shakes his head.
“Schoolchildren?” Guesses Perino.
Cheney shakes his head again.
“Things are looking much better in the Anbar Province,” says Petraeus.
Addington can’t contain his laughter. “Trick question!” He shouts. “Nobody!”
“No, no,” says Cheney. “The answer is at this table.”
“Uh, can we talk about Iran, guys?” Asks an uneasy Condi.
“Condi Rice!” Shouts Petraeus, eager to get it right.
Cheney laughs and reaches for the cylinder before them. “You’re all wrong! It’s the pepper dispenser!”
Addington and Cheney laugh and high-five.
“I still think it was Latinos,” says Rove.
Petraeus pushes his tray to the side. “Can I go back to the Green Zone now?”

Tuesday, September 25th

-Current Ranger owner Tom Hicks calls George Bush for advice regarding some difficulties he’s having with the team. The fans are upset; it’s been another year of not meeting goals, while the Rangers continue to pay for the Alex Rodriguez mistake. “We always said we’d measure our success in September,” Hicks explains.

Bush isn’t rattled. “Push it back,” he says. “Tell them you can’t evaluate until Spring Training.”

“How will I do that?” Asks Hicks. “I’ve already told them we’d evaluate in September.”

The President carries the rest of the conversation. “You wanna borrow Petraeus? Seriously, we don’t need him…No, the Green Zone’s really just a little box on my desk…Yes, he’s a very small man. Tiny, really.”

Wednesday, September 26th

-Bush and the English language file for divorce, citing “irreconcilable use of subject and verb.”

Thursday, September 27th

-The State Department holds a climate change summit, inviting the world’s top polluters to discuss strategies to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. The U.S. takes the position that any such measures must be voluntary. Cheney and Addington sit in the back, giggling and making “age of consent” jokes.

Friday, September 28th

-General Petraeus is crying himself to sleep in the little box. “I didn’t betray anybody,” he sniffles.
“I know you didn’t, General,” says the President. “There there.”
He closes the lid.

You can now purchase your tickets to the Seattle premiere of Haymaker & Sally online. For just $6.12 ($5.00 ticket + $1.12 service fee) you can ensure that you’ll be present to witness cinematic history:

http://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/21516

In other news, we added the trailers to YouTube. I’m embedding my favorite of the two below. Audio NSFW.

Yesterday, a Seattle jury reinstated the conviction of strip club magnate Frank Colacurcio, Sr. for assaulting a waitress at his Lake City strip club, Rick’s. Colacurcio has a long been rumored a mob boss and has several federal investigations and convictions to show for it.

But this post isn’t about Colacurcio or any real-life mobster. This post is about basketball coaches who resemble mobsters, real or otherwise. Check out this picture of Colacurcio:

And now check out famous former college coach, Jerry “The Shark” Tarkanian:

Of course, real-life mobsters don’t all share just one particular look, and celluloid organized crime is beginning to catch up to the diversity of its real-life counterpart. That having been said, for one reason or another, the following coaches make me think mob:

5. Rick Pitino

Pitino sounds like Pacino, and Rick has the good looks and disarming presence of an early Michael Corleone. Working against him: still comes across as too nice. Also, inability to win in the big leagues. Would Corleone have traded a lottery pick for Vitaly Potapenko?

4. Nolan Richardson

Those pockmarks look like little shrapnel wounds, the scars of the street fights that had to be won to get where he did. Dude’s seen some shit, and he’s gonna bring it back to you through a double-barrelled shotgun firing 20 minutes of hell per.

3. Bob Huggins

If someone were to photoshop the fans out of the background and present this photo to a focus group who’d never seen Bob Huggins before, do you think they’d be more likely to guess that he’s a college basketball coach or a Russian mobster?

2. Jerry Tarkanian

You don’t get those rings by just fuckin’ around

He seems like he’d be number 1, what with the nickname, his association with Vegas, and the fact that his players were photographed in a hot tub with a known game-fixer. But he’s still got to contend with…

1. Don Nelson

The broad, weathered face; the mock turtlenecks under the sportcoat (sorry, George Karl: you’re still not making the list); the way he works the refs; the fact that he brought his son into the game. Everything about Nelson says “mob boss.” All that’s missing are the gaudy championship rings on the thick fingers.

Eliminated from consideration: Pat Riley

For appearing in the following advertisement:

Sure, he’s got the rings and the intensity (click this link and search for “ice water”), and he’s not afraid to indulge in some thuggishness to win (see, e.g., the mid-90s). But a real mob boss wouldn’t do a Rolaids ad, and sure as hell wouldn’t let them put a white Magic with a Craig Ehlo haircut in it. (Props to The Basketball Jones for the find and for noticing the white Magic)

As some of you already know, the Seattle Weekly’s Buzzer Beater is generously giving me a press pass for the upcoming Sonics season’s home games. I’ll be attending Monday’s media day for my first assignment. As my sportswriting thus far has consisted of pop-culture musings and pseudo scouting, quasi-investigative journalism, silly lists, suggestions for nicknames and uniform styles that players are unlikely to appreciate, and secondhand accounts of player partying, I’m not feeling terribly prepared for the duties of a beat writer. What does one ask a player or coach at such an event? Keep in mind that there will be many writers and little time. Very difficult not to fall into the trap of cliche, nor to ask a question that is itself or is likely to elicit a response that is unprintable. Of course, I can probably get away with not asking a question at all.

So, my readers (the few, the proud), I ask your help. What should I ask the Sonics? Is there anything you’d like to hear from any of them? Please post suggestions in the comments below.

Robert “Shocka” Swift says “tell me something good.”

This one’s not new to cyberspace, but it’s worth a second (or third, or fourth) viewing, as it answers an important question:

What would happen if you created a man who combined French Stewart’s lisp and squint with John Lithgow’s looks and carriage, gave him a healthy dollop of self-seriousness and a proclivity to speak in platitudes about the post-9/11 world, named him “Harry Hurt, III”, and forced him to take a self-defense class from a similarly self-serious, bearded, bearish, opera-singing instructor?

Click on the tiny Harry to enjoy the tiger pantomimes and posed group shots.

Chop, palm, knee!

• Justice John Paul Stevens - Supreme Court - Law - Washington - New York Times - He set a record for lone dissents in his first year on the bench, received a dove from Charles Lindbergh when he was 12, saw Babe Ruth’s famous called shot, and considers himself a political conservative. Excellent NY Times piece on John Paul Stevens
• U.S.S. Mariner » Blog Archive » Rotation Building - Dave Cameron crunches the numbers to show that the Tampa Bay Devil Rays actually have a pretty good starting rotation.
• Salon.com | News Wires | Conn. Gov Bans Parole for Some Inmates - No one wants violent crime, but I don’t think that extra 15% of time will make the difference. Typical unthinking American approach to criminal justice issues. Have fun with your budget, Governor.
• Glenn Greenwald - Political Blogs and Opinions - Salon - Glenn Greenwald’s e-mail exchange with Michael Ledeen is quite funny. I adore Greenwald but worry about him having a stroke before the Bush admin is done. That dude’s blood pressure has to be through the roof.
• Online couple cheated with each other | The Daily Telegraph - This one’s a doozy.

Monday, September 17th
-The Hill reports that Dick Cheney has nothing to hide.

Tuesday, September 18th
-White House IT staffers hide in the cafeteria kitchen as an angry Dick Cheney stalks the grounds. His fantasy football team is in last place, despite the tap on Dungy’s phone, and an e-mail he received proposing a trade was permanently deleted, per White House protocol. “I tell you when to permanently delete e-mails,” he grumbles.

Wednesday, September 19th
-Dana Perino realizes that tomorrow is News Conference day, where in one hour an unscripted president will make her next week hell. Wearily, she dials her pharmacist. “Yes, Xanex…Do you have, um, extra strength?”

Thursday, September 20th
-The President warns the Senate and House that he will veto legislation to extend the Children’s Health Insurance Program to cover more uninsured children. Dick Cheney leans forward to hide his growing erection and high-fives his man Addington. “Let them have lunch…OR NOT!” Laughter all around.
-Asked about potential political leaders in Iraq, the president declares “Nelson Mandela is dead. Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas.” Dick Cheney hears the name and nudges Addington. “Mandela was a terrorist,” he whispers.
“He’s still alive,” replies Addington. Cheney mentally adds name to “People to Extraordinarily Render” list.

Friday, September 21st
-Warring Headlines:
San Francisco Chronicle: Bush Asks Dems for Cheaper Health Plan
Kansas City Star: Bush Will Ask for a Big Boost in War Funds
Dana Perino’s Diary: Dick Cheney Scares Me
-The World Health Organization reports an outbreak of cholera in Baghdad. The President gets a call from his father and Bill Clinton. “We’re gonna rent an aircraft carrier,” they tell him. “This is our mission accomplished moment!”

Wade Boggs has long been known as one of the best hitters of his generation, as well as a man of many idiosyncrasies, the most famous of which may have been his habit of eating chicken before every game. Recently, however, a friend introduced me to an article detailing another of Boggs’ strange habits: drinking large amounts of Miller Lite. According to a couple of his former teammates, Boggs would drink somewhere in the neighborhood of 50-70 Miller Lites in the course of an ordinary East Coast to West Coast day of travel. Exaggerated or not, these stories indicate that Boggs loved beer as much as he loved chicken. This, of course, can bring to mind only one figure. It’s a shame Boggs played about twenty years too early for his perfect entry music.

Nevertheless, Boggs and Ludacris both appeared in this year’s Wrestlemania 23. What does that tell us? Despite considerable career earnings, they’re both still looking to make a little extra cash. What better way for them to do it–and for us to be entertained–than to send them out to Wing Domes, roadside barbecues, and sports bars nationwide to sample the chicken and beer and mingle with the locals. (Of course, Wade might have to expand his beer repertoire, but I think he could do it. And Miller Lite makes a great chaser.) It’d be low-cost TV–just a crew with a couple cameras and mics–no rides to pimp. And it’d be entertaining. Odd couples sell; it’s a proven fact. MTV, Food Channel, Discovery Channel execs: make it happen.

Dear Chris,

I don’t know if you’ve been reading my blog lately. I can only hope.

I can tell you that I’ve been thinking of you. You’ve had such a great career–Get a Life, Saturday Night Live, all those appearances on Letterman, your novel, and, of course, Cabin Boy.

That last item is what I want to talk to you about. Now, I know Nathaniel Mayweather wasn’t your most successful character, but I’ll be damned if I don’t laugh when I think about him. His haughtiness, his crucible on the high seas, his hallucinations…

Thus, in the hope of bringing the franchise (and sexy) back, I present the following:

Cabin Boy 2: Poppycock!

2008: Fancy Lad Nathaniel Mayweather’s father has commissioned for his son’s birthday a Fancy Lad Time & Area (T&A) machine. This machine can transport its occupant to the time and area of his choosing. Having recently fancied himself a sporting fancy lad–specifically, the sport of fencing–Nathaniel enters the machine with the intention of traveling to China, 2010, so he can compete in the 2010 Olympics (here I take a little poetic license to give us time for production!). He does so wearing his fancy fencing gear and a generous codpiece.

But just as with his last journey, things go terribly awry. Nathaniel’s machine lands him in China, but rather than taking him forward two years, it takes him back 140. He lands in the middle of a poppy field being cultivated by seven stunningly beautiful sisters. They live on the land with their stern father, who is making so much money off of the crop that he doesn’t want to lose production by seeing any of them married. When they see Nathaniel in his T&A machine, the sisters lose control of their sexually frustrated, overworked selves. Their father is the only man they’ve seen in years, so Nathaniel arrives as a generously endowed knight in white armor!

Delighted at their turn of fortune, the sisters make like their father and hold Nathaniel hostage, hiding him in their cabin (their father has his own). Nathaniel’s duties include serving them meals when they return from the field and satisfying them sexually. He is made to wear revealing outfits and preen about the quarters. (I believe you can still preen with the best of them, Chris. Remember Sparkles?) :

The Sparkles bit ends at 2:00 to go or so; no need to watch beyond that

However, while he enjoys the attention from the sisters, Nathaniel chafes at the serving and cleaning responsibilities he has been given. He is a fancy lad, not a cabin boy; what’s more, he still hasn’t had his shot at Olympic fencing, the reason he entered the T&A machine to begin with. Thus, after another night of passionlessly satisfying the desires of one or more of the beautiful sisters, sequentially or simultaneously, he slips back into his fencing uniform and slips out the backdoor.

Thus begins his journey through swamps, fields, and epochs, wherein he meets historical figures large and small, friendly hybrids, and all sorts of other unusual persons and creatures. Personally, I recommend resurrecting Spewey.

This letter shall serve as a petition. Readers, should you want to see Cabin Boy 2: Poppycock! become a reality, merely sign your name and/or add your message in the comments below. And, of course, feel free to pass this along to other Cabin Boy fans/web activists who might want to help make Poppycock! happen.

Don’t play Coy, Chris. Your fans want it. Your oeuvre wants. You want it.

Let’s make some Poppycock!

Damon

PS–If you get the chance, come to the premiere of my movie. We’ll give you the VIP treatment! (Leave Spewey at home, though.)