Friday, August 31st
-Tony Snow gets an early start on the Labor Day celebration of the American working man and woman by announcing his resignation from the position of White House press secretary, stating that his salary of $168,000 just wasn’t cutting it. “Like my friend Latrell, I’ve got a family to feed.”
-His replacement, Dana Perino, gears up for her new responsibilities. The woman who receives 600 e-mails a day is about to get a lot busier. The White House IT department hurries to prepare itself. “That’s a lot of e-mails we have to make sure are deleted permanently,” explains an insider.

Tuesday, September 4th
-Looking to get a leg up on his fantasy football competition, Dick Cheney orders a wiretap on the phone of Indianapolis Colts’ coach Tony Dungy. Cheney’s chief of staff, David “One Bomb Away” Addington, notices the request and asks Cheney what it’s about. “I gotta see how much he’s going to use Addai,” says Cheney, referring to the Colts’ star running back. “If they’re going to the air, I’ll sit him.”
“The air?” Replies Addington. “Addai? With a name like that, he should be on the no-fly list!” They share a laugh.
-”Kicking ass” joins “heckuva job” on the list of superlative phrases that can no longer be used without sounding insincere. (No word on whether “taking names” was tainted as well.)

Thursday, September 6th
-Basking in the glow of his many successes, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales addresses the Coast Guard Academy. On the subject of the Guantanamo Bay detention camps, he says, “Never before in our nation’s history have we given such robust protection to combatants picked up on the field of battle.”

Barbed wire fences, camp counselors protect X-Ray detainees from wild bears.

Earmuffs, goggles are “like a v-chips for people,” explains Gonzales. “It’s truly ’see no evil, hear no evil.’”

Friday, September 7th
-General Petraeus writes a letter to American forces in Iraq. “Sectarian violence continues…albeit at considerably reduced levels of [sic] 8 months ago…In fact, the number of attacks across the country has declined 8 of the past 11 weeks.” The kicker: Shiite-on Shiite attacks, Sunni-on-Sunni attacks, and car bombings don’t count as sectarian violence.

General Motors is considering a recall of their Baghdad shipment, citing a tendency of many of the models to spontaneously combust.

This entry was posted on Sunday, September 9th, 2007 at 12:02 am and is filed under football, This Week in the Bush Administration, Corruption. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.