Open Letter to Chris Elliott
September 19th, 2007 by Damon
Dear Chris,
I don’t know if you’ve been reading my blog lately. I can only hope.
I can tell you that I’ve been thinking of you. You’ve had such a great career–Get a Life, Saturday Night Live, all those appearances on Letterman, your novel, and, of course, Cabin Boy.
That last item is what I want to talk to you about. Now, I know Nathaniel Mayweather wasn’t your most successful character, but I’ll be damned if I don’t laugh when I think about him. His haughtiness, his crucible on the high seas, his hallucinations…
Thus, in the hope of bringing the franchise (and sexy) back, I present the following:
Cabin Boy 2: Poppycock!
2008: Fancy Lad Nathaniel Mayweather’s father has commissioned for his son’s birthday a Fancy Lad Time & Area (T&A) machine. This machine can transport its occupant to the time and area of his choosing. Having recently fancied himself a sporting fancy lad–specifically, the sport of fencing–Nathaniel enters the machine with the intention of traveling to China, 2010, so he can compete in the 2010 Olympics (here I take a little poetic license to give us time for production!). He does so wearing his fancy fencing gear and a generous codpiece.
But just as with his last journey, things go terribly awry. Nathaniel’s machine lands him in China, but rather than taking him forward two years, it takes him back 140. He lands in the middle of a poppy field being cultivated by seven stunningly beautiful sisters. They live on the land with their stern father, who is making so much money off of the crop that he doesn’t want to lose production by seeing any of them married. When they see Nathaniel in his T&A machine, the sisters lose control of their sexually frustrated, overworked selves. Their father is the only man they’ve seen in years, so Nathaniel arrives as a generously endowed knight in white armor!
Delighted at their turn of fortune, the sisters make like their father and hold Nathaniel hostage, hiding him in their cabin (their father has his own). Nathaniel’s duties include serving them meals when they return from the field and satisfying them sexually. He is made to wear revealing outfits and preen about the quarters. (I believe you can still preen with the best of them, Chris. Remember Sparkles?) :
The Sparkles bit ends at 2:00 to go or so; no need to watch beyond that
However, while he enjoys the attention from the sisters, Nathaniel chafes at the serving and cleaning responsibilities he has been given. He is a fancy lad, not a cabin boy; what’s more, he still hasn’t had his shot at Olympic fencing, the reason he entered the T&A machine to begin with. Thus, after another night of passionlessly satisfying the desires of one or more of the beautiful sisters, sequentially or simultaneously, he slips back into his fencing uniform and slips out the backdoor.
Thus begins his journey through swamps, fields, and epochs, wherein he meets historical figures large and small, friendly hybrids, and all sorts of other unusual persons and creatures. Personally, I recommend resurrecting Spewey.
This letter shall serve as a petition. Readers, should you want to see Cabin Boy 2: Poppycock! become a reality, merely sign your name and/or add your message in the comments below. And, of course, feel free to pass this along to other Cabin Boy fans/web activists who might want to help make Poppycock! happen.
Don’t play Coy, Chris. Your fans want it. Your oeuvre wants. You want it.
Let’s make some Poppycock!
Damon
PS–If you get the chance, come to the premiere of my movie. We’ll give you the VIP treatment! (Leave Spewey at home, though.)
RSS Feed
September 19th, 2007 at 11:55 am
Is this where we sign the petition?
I submit Addendum A: as a sequel-within-a-sequel, please ask Mr. Letterman to reprise his role and famous “would you like to buy a monkey?” bit, but perhaps freshen it up with a new jungle creature or verb, e.g. “Would you like to buy a tapir?” or “Would you like to dunk an antelope?”
September 19th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
Amen!
September 19th, 2007 at 1:01 pm
Yes please, more sir.
September 19th, 2007 at 1:11 pm
Gooooo Poppycock!!!
September 19th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
I say go for it. It will probably be better than Jackass II!
September 19th, 2007 at 1:54 pm
Less reality, more fantasy! Jambe, more chocolate sauce!
September 19th, 2007 at 2:12 pm
chris looks so natural and elegant in the above landscape. more more!
September 19th, 2007 at 6:26 pm
It’s like The Color Purple meets Bill and Teds! Except unlike Oprah and Keanu, Chris Elliot can act. Brilliant!
September 20th, 2007 at 6:52 am
The only thing in life that makes me as happy as watching old episodes of Small Wonder is watching old episodes of Get a Life. If Chris is in, so am I…Let’s make Poppycock happen!
September 20th, 2007 at 10:13 am
okay….
September 20th, 2007 at 10:15 am
YES.
September 20th, 2007 at 10:48 am
I support this!
September 20th, 2007 at 11:00 am
Indeed! Your character has laid low long enough. Bring him back!
September 20th, 2007 at 5:27 pm
Count me in!
September 21st, 2007 at 11:52 am
D: You’re a filmmaker. You can surf the wave that will be created by Haymaker & Sally to get this film greenlit yourself. Still, add my sig to the petition.
September 22nd, 2007 at 6:14 pm
Yeah, and make a Get A Life feature as well.
December 9th, 2007 at 12:47 am
Cabin Boy was only the greatest stoner movie of all time! I say yes to cabin boy2!! Chris is hilarious! I would have liked to see the butler character from scary movie in the last sequal too! He’s great1
December 26th, 2007 at 1:22 am
Go for it! I’ve seen Cabin Boy 17 times over my 29 years. It’s much better than The Godfather, and they made 3 of those. Again, you can do it man.
January 23rd, 2008 at 10:42 pm
cabin boy was awsome i dont kno about what story u culd come up with for a sequal tho maybe if he got like kidnapped by pirates and the old crewmembers came to save him or something
February 11th, 2008 at 2:41 am
Cabin Boy is a Great Movie ! Much better than Pirates of the Caribbean.
The adventure is fantastic, when youre onboard The Filthy Whore !
To bad kenny (or kennit) as sink, doh ! Just make him come back in the sequel, pls..
March 20th, 2008 at 10:18 am
I think Chris Elliot should make Cabin Boy 2.
But I think he should write it himself.
July 11th, 2008 at 8:16 am
Critics, common sense, and the general public be damned - we need CB2!
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Neue Masche bei Spiegel-Online: Satire als wahr berichten. Der Spiegel geht neue Wege.
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Christoph Titz von Spiegel-Online hat eine neue Masche erfunden: Im Netz nach Satire-Seiten suchen und
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Hier findet Titz Unmengen Material, was er schreiben kann. Eine weitere Recherche scheint nicht notwendig.
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Spiegel-Online Christoph Titz auf um eine Sensationsnachricht daraus zu machen.
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Magazine Satire nicht erkennen.
Weiteres Beispiel: Ein Kaufmann macht eine Million Umsatz. Das liest Christoph Titz in der Zeitung. Ohne
weiter zu recherchieren macht er daraus “ein Kaufmann soll Millionen verdient haben”. Der Unterschied
zwischen Umsatz und Verdienst ist jedem Kind bekannt.
Ich habe die ganzen Geschichten mitgelesen und finde es tragisch, was Christoph Titz sich geleistet hat.
Ich werde einen Zeichner beauftragen der Christoph Titz malt … der Hintern wird eine Arschbombe sein mit
dem Text, “Auf Niko Iordanovs Arschbombe reingefallen”. Mit dem Spiegel kann er sich dann seinen Arsch
abputzen.
Christoph Titz macht sich sogar noch lustig, dass jemand zu Unschuld strafrechtlich verfolgt wurde, auch
ohne zu recherchieren. Christoph Titz nimmt sich der Meinung eines durchgeknallten Staatsanwalts an und
zeigt, dass er gar nicht daran denkt zu recherchieren. Das ist schlampiger Journalismus, den der Spiegel
bisher vermieden hat. Durch neues Personal wie Christoph Titz sinkt der Spiegel auf unterstes Niveau.
Christoph Titz unterstreicht seinen Hass und schreibt, der Kaufmann sei umtriebig, weil er mit Plastikpalmen,
Schrumpfkopfimitaten (Halloween-Deko), Schuhputzmaschinen und Teekochern handelt sowie immer
mal einen PR-Gag auf Lager hat wie z.B. eine Mitfahrt-Versteigerung bei Ebay in einem Lamborghini.
Um noch mehr Satire im Internet zu finden hat es Christoph Titz nicht weit:
Der Spiegel selbst berichtet, dass Neandertaler Sex mit modernen Menschen hatten. Hier weiss man nicht, ob
die Bezeichnung Satire @ Spiegel nur zur Tarnung vorgeschoben ist, obwohl sich der Spiegel des Wahrheitsgehalts
der Meldung sicher ist. Spiegel-Online fragt sogar in einer Umfrage, wer schon Sex mit Neandertalern hatte.
Chrstoph Titz, schreiben Sie!
***************************************************************************
Beschwerden gegen Christoph Titz werden hier angenommen:
www.spiegel.de
Brandstwiete 19
20457 Hamburg
Tel. 040/38080-0
http://www.spiegel.de/extra/0,1518,628516,00.html
Chefredakteur R. Ditz ist f. weitere Hinweise sehr dankbar.
Und beim:
www.presserat.de
Wer diesen verlotterten Journalismus nicht mehr ertragen kann sollte als erstes
sein Spiegel-Abo beenden solange Journalisten wie Christoph Titz am Werk sind.
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