Monday, September 24th

-Dick Cheney, David Addington, Condi Rice, Dana Perino, David Petraeus, and a visiting Karl Rove sit at the White House Cafeteria’s “cool” lunch table.
“Hey guys,” says Cheney. “What’s black and gets a fair shake in the Bush Administration?”
“Hmmm,” says Perino.
“Latinos!” Rove answers eagerly.
Cheney shakes his head.
“Schoolchildren?” Guesses Perino.
Cheney shakes his head again.
“Things are looking much better in the Anbar Province,” says Petraeus.
Addington can’t contain his laughter. “Trick question!” He shouts. “Nobody!”
“No, no,” says Cheney. “The answer is at this table.”
“Uh, can we talk about Iran, guys?” Asks an uneasy Condi.
“Condi Rice!” Shouts Petraeus, eager to get it right.
Cheney laughs and reaches for the cylinder before them. “You’re all wrong! It’s the pepper dispenser!”
Addington and Cheney laugh and high-five.
“I still think it was Latinos,” says Rove.
Petraeus pushes his tray to the side. “Can I go back to the Green Zone now?”

Tuesday, September 25th

-Current Ranger owner Tom Hicks calls George Bush for advice regarding some difficulties he’s having with the team. The fans are upset; it’s been another year of not meeting goals, while the Rangers continue to pay for the Alex Rodriguez mistake. “We always said we’d measure our success in September,” Hicks explains.

Bush isn’t rattled. “Push it back,” he says. “Tell them you can’t evaluate until Spring Training.”

“How will I do that?” Asks Hicks. “I’ve already told them we’d evaluate in September.”

The President carries the rest of the conversation. “You wanna borrow Petraeus? Seriously, we don’t need him…No, the Green Zone’s really just a little box on my desk…Yes, he’s a very small man. Tiny, really.”

Wednesday, September 26th

-Bush and the English language file for divorce, citing “irreconcilable use of subject and verb.”

Thursday, September 27th

-The State Department holds a climate change summit, inviting the world’s top polluters to discuss strategies to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. The U.S. takes the position that any such measures must be voluntary. Cheney and Addington sit in the back, giggling and making “age of consent” jokes.

Friday, September 28th

-General Petraeus is crying himself to sleep in the little box. “I didn’t betray anybody,” he sniffles.
“I know you didn’t, General,” says the President. “There there.”
He closes the lid.

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