Monday, October 15th
-Jealous of his wife’s success with her book Blue Skies, No Fences, Dick Cheney decides to write a children’s book. Waterboarding Builds Character, or How Ahmed Got His Groove Back debuts at #1 on The Weekly Standard’s bestseller list.
-Wyoming historians write a letter to Lynne Cheney protesting the exclusion of any mention of Fennis Dembo from Blue Skies, No Fences:

Tuesday, October 16th
-Partial transcript from Oval Office recordings:
[video game sounds]
Aide: Sir, the immunity bill looks like it’s going to make it through the Senate–
President: [unintelligible]
Aide: No, sir, not vaccines. This was the bill to give retroactive immunity to telecom companies that allowed us to monitor any communications we wanted without a warrant
President: [unintelligible]
Aide: I agree that that shouldn’t be illegal, sir.
[video game sounds stop]
President: What about E.T. I want to know what he talks about when he phones home.
Aide: We haven’t found him yet, sir.
President: Well, find him, damnit! I’ve been asking for that tap since we were in Afghanistan.
Aide: We’re still in Afghanistan, sir.
President: Oh.

Thursday, October 18th
-Bush’s veto of the S-Chip bill holds, with bill supporters coming up 13 votes short. Dick Cheney says, “Shoop! I feel like I can finally exhale!”

Apologies to Angela Bassett, the rest of the ladies.

-Rolling Stone reports that Dick Cheney is making a big push for an American attack on Iran next year. Our intrepid reporter tracks him to the annual NAMBLA conference, where he is accepting a lifetime achievement award. “They also welcome those of us who prefer to fuck children figuratively,” he explains, citing the S-CHIP bill. “I’d like to accept this on behalf of everyone who stood with me in opposing the federal school lunch program.”
“Why Iran?” Our reporter asks him after the big dinner. Cheney wastes little time in responding. “That’s easy,” he says. “Because it gives me a boner.”

Friday, October 19th
-Cheney adds Christopher Dodd to the list of people to extraordinarly render. Addington makes him erase it. “Too soon, Dick. All things in good time.”
General Petraeus, whose diminutive stature has been hidden by a complicit press, spends some time riding around the Oval Office floor with Ralph, aka The Mouse from The Mouse and the Motorcycle.

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