This Week in the Bush Administration
October 27th, 2007 by Damon
Monday, October 22nd
-Blackwater security guards scramble to kill Iraqi civilians before they’re forced to leave the country.
Tuesday, October 23rd
-Our reporter catches up to L. Paul Bremer III at his home in New Canaan, Connecticut, where he’s working in the garden. “This is pretty much what I do with my days,” he says. “My wife won’t let me near the household budget.” Asked whether he keeps up with events in Iraq, he grows pensive and wistful, fingering the Presidential Medal of Freedom he wears at all times. “You know, this means a lot,” he says, holding the medal up. “But I’d give it back—the money, the medal, all of it—for just one more chance to really fuck something up.”
Wednesday, October 24th
-George Bush reads the coverage of the Republican primary campaign and realizes that waterboarding is different than surfboarding.
“Dick, you got me again!”
“I couldn’t have done it without Al,” says the Vice President.
Meanwhile, in Texas, Alberto Gonzales looks for his keys. “I don’t recall where I put them,” he mutters.
Thursday, October 25th
-In an interview with CNBC’s Kudlow and Company, Dick Cheney refers to Congress’s new children’s health bill as “veto bait.” Lynne Cheney, who is patriotically eavesdropping from the next room, bursts in with a smile: “George is going to veto another children’s health bill?!”
Dick smirks. “That’s right.”
“I’ll go to the store,” she says. She then leans over and whispers something into his ear.
“You know I prefer oil-based, Lynne. Maybe petroleum?”
Lynne looks to the interviewer with a smile. “See: after 33 years, he’s still a romantic at heart!”
-The Poughkeepsie Journal announces that Dick Cheney plans on hunting in the Poughkeepsie area Monday morning. His motorcade is expected to disrupt school bus service. Inside sources indicate that Cheney insisted the trip occur on a weekday.
“One less day we have to pay to feed those little fuckers.”
-Condeleezza Rice continues implementation of her new Subtlety Doctrine. On a widely publicized memo from Maliki’s office specifying that government officials aren’t to be investigated without his approval, she tells the House Committee on Oversight, “I don’t know precisely what you are referring to.”
On the case of Maher Arar, the Canadian citizen mistakenly flown by the US to Syria for an “extraordinary” vacation of sensory deprivation, waterboarding, and other forms of tor [REDACTED FOR NATIONAL SECURITY REASONS]: “mishandled.”
Friday, October 26th
-FEMA holds a news conference with FEMA employees posing as journalists. The nation’s press corps is outraged. “Only we can pose as journalists! Iran has WMD!”
-The AP reports that the Army has begun their investigation of Iraq contracts for fraud and waste. The article quotes Frank Anderson, president of the Defense Acquisition University at Fort Belvoir, as saying that deceiving the checks and balances in the (cronyistic, no bid) federal procurement system takes careful planning.
“You had some smart bad apples. It had to be someone who understood the business well enough to figure out how to get around the system.”
Somewhere, an enterprising and morally flexible contractor licks the tip of his pen and begins a list:
No bid contract (all Halliburton????)
Make friends with Dick?
Donate money to GOP (Erik Prince)
Find $9 billion??
A phone rings in New Canaan, Connecticut, and L. Paul Bremer III bolts up from behind a tomato plant, his Presidential Medal of Freedom jingling against the zipper of his sweater jacket, his heart swelling with hope.
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