A max contract for Rashard Lewis? I’ve made a huge mistake!

With Dwight Howard doing his Ivan Drago impression, the Sonics had no choice but to be crushed by the Orlando Magic, 110-94, and thus they drop to a historically futile 2-14. (Bar owners, if you were looking to do a promotional beer price based on the team’s winning percentage, you may be out of luck). Aside from Howard’s cartoonishly dominant performance (I was reminded of the times I’d skip class in college and play swimming pool hoops with ten-year-olds), there were a few highlights:

-Hedo Turkoglu’s Fauxhawk: Subtle, but mangled, this looked like the work of a late-night dorm room hacker–a combination of Edwards Scissorhands and Fortyhands.

-Wally Szczerbiak: Orlando’s newly acquired Maurice Evans may have been the one wearing the calf-covering black business socks, but it was Wally who played like your dad in the driveway after juicing himself up on a couple hours of March madness and the appearance of the early spring sun. His 6-20 performance was highlighted by a couple of first half plays. First, he deliberately lingered too close to a Damien Wilkins attempt at a post up, forcing Wilkins to abandon it and screen for Szczerbiak, who took the shot. Second, from the wing, he declined to pass to a wide open Kevin Durant, who stood about eight feet from the basket. Instead, in a nod to weekend warriors everywhere, he dipped his head and charged the lane, only to have his running right hander blocked by Brian Cook (career avg: 0.4 blocks per game). Szczerbiak did bring his customary intensity, virtually performing the Brandi Chastain after every made shot in the 4th quarter. (Perhaps he could trim one of those new NBA undershirts to make it look like a sports bra?)

-Kevin Durant: It was a tale of two halves for the rook: in the first, he looked a little lost, his attempts at hesitation dribbles and high stepping in the lane not producing buckets. But he came on strong in the second, once again with a big fourth quarter that provided Sonics fans a small window of exhilaration. For about three or four minutes, he put on a virtuoso display of hesitations, crossovers, and spin moves, repeatedly getting himself to the free throw line and occasionally finishing despite the foul. What’s more, he complemented his scoring with a stellar job of guarding Dwight Howard down the stretch (and no, that’s not a typo). Unfortunately, he played only 34 minutes. (Saving him for the playoffs, PJ?) When Durant isn’t on the court, the offense stagnates (he’s becoming more of a playmaker), and, more importantly, the fans grow restless. Nobody’s paying to see the Damien Wilkins/Kurt Thomas two-man game. Hell, hardly anybody’s paying, period.

Stan Van Gundy: The Ron Jeremy comparisons are as spot on in person as on TV (at least when he’s clothed). Bonus fun can be had by watching him pacing the sidelines with his arms raised or his hands clasped across the top of his head and imagining that he’s searching for his missing neck.

Where did it go?

Finally, Rashard Lewis showed up for the game…sort of. (What did you expect?) He was thoroughly outplayed down the stretch by Durant, a welcome consolation for the hometown faithful. But he went home with a fat paycheck and a W, and he drives a Denali with spinners, so here’s guessing he’s not sweating it. As a longtime Sonics fan, I say congrats to Mr. Lewis for getting his money and landing on one of the best teams in the league. Rarely is free agency played so well.

If the NBA were one of those milk commercials from the 1980s, the Sonics would be auditioning for the role of the kid in the first stage–scrawny, faintly promising (to an optimistic eye), and eager to prove himself. The Spurs, on the other hand, would be the body-done-good Adonis, and they showed why Sunday night, easily dispatching their junior opponent, 116-101.

Give the kids credit: they brought an admirable, giant-slaying intensity to the affair. Maybe someone had a talk with Kevin Durant, because, despite being guarded by two of the league’s finest defenders (Bruce Bowen and Manu Ginobili), he had his best game of the season, moving without the ball, attacking the basket, forcing few shots, and rebounding and passing.

The game’s most noteworthy performance, though, was Wally Szczerbiak’s 20-point second quarter, which came at the expense of Bowen. I’ve read little press on bad blood between the two, but there’s plenty of reason to believe that Wally, a temperamental scorer, shares the disdain of other temperamental scorers (Kobe Bryant, Vince Carter, etc.) for the gangly “stopper.”

I had the good fortune of sitting with the photographers on the baseline, the place to be as Szczerbiak and Bowen went at it. I’ve always agreed with the sentiment that Bowen’s a hacker, but you have no idea how egregious his molestations are until you view them from that vantage point. It was reminiscent of those awkward Jerry Springer scuffles, with the clumsy hand fighting and wounded protestations about the opponent’s perfidy. (Unfortunately for Bruce, Wally is the stronger of the two.) Their constant narration and advocacy (both verbal and facial) during such intense competition bespoke a mastery of their craft. They glared at the refs and shouted indignant, GOB-like “come on!”s, all while running curlicues along the baseline and pawing at each other like a prom couple looking to get their money’s worth before curfew. This was multi-tasking of the highest order, and it was something to behold.

Finally, according to the AP game summary:

Szczerbiak was feeling so good in the second quarter that he pulled rank and refused to hand off to a surprised Durant during a give-and-go play late in the half. Szczerbiak stepped back and made his eighth shot in 10 tries instead.

I’m reminded once more of his intra-squad steal from Mike Miller in the Goodwill Games. This sort of behavior might not make for happy teams, but it can make for happy viewers in dead-end seasons. (When there’s little drama surrounding the outcome, we have to find it elsewhere.) And it seems PJ won’t hesitate to sit the old gunslinger when he’s missing the mark. So I say keep shootin’, cowboy!

Sunday, November 18th
-Thomas Friedman writes a column suggesting that if Barack Obama gets the Democratic presidential nomination, he should name Dick Cheney as his running mate. This, Friedman explains, will provide an intimidating presence to potentially hostile states. “It’ll just be like Public Enemy back in the day, with Professor Griff and Security of the First World. Man, did I love listening to Welcome to the Terrordome when I was stirring up war. Those were the days. Remember when my mustache was cool? Does this column make my dick look bigger? Okay, well, whatever. Tell Obama to go with Cheney. I’d offer my services, but I’m already booked for my own gig. It’s a movie called ‘Dorf on Punditry.’”

Monday, November 19th
-Seeking to align military service with the incentives of a free market system, the U.S. Military decides that it will force injured soldiers to return their enlistment bonuses. “Why incentivize getting hurt?” explains Chief Military Economist Herbert Spencer.

“This was all my idea,” says a beaming Paul Bremer from the tomato patch in his Connecticut garden. “I’m still relevant!”

Tuesday, November 20th
-An advance snippet of Scott McLellan’s book critiques the President, Vice President, and key aides for sending him to the press with false information. This brings the list of former Bush Administration members to write books critiquing the President to the following:

Colin Powell
Richard Armitage
Paul O’Neill
Christine Todd Whitman
Scott McClellan

Incidentally, because an overeager intern failed to heed Dick Cheney’s “don’t write anything down” maxim, we now know that the list of “People to Extraordinarily Render” looks like this:

Chris Dodd
Dennis Kucinich
That guy from Peru
Mr. Rogers(DEAD)
…
Colin Powell
Richard Armitage
Paul O’Neill
Christine Todd Whitman
Scott McClellan
…

Asked to comment, the intern said, “gurgle, gurgle, cough, cough.”

Thursday, November 22nd
-In presidential tradition, George W. Bush announces his pardon of the White House turkey. His signing statement, however, indicates otherwise. Out back, Dick Cheney and David Addington are seen covering its beak with a towel.

Saturday, November 24th
The New York Times reports that President Bush, facing a lame duck year and a Congress that has been non-compliant on all non-FISA, non-Iraq matters, intends to focus on smaller, domestic goals. To that end, the White House announces the launching of the new War on Malaise. Instead of alert levels (yellow, orange, red), this war will feature mindfulness tones (current tone: off-mauve). “We’d like to see that down to a blanched almond by December,” explains Michael Chertoff’s gut. To combat his own malaise, Dick Cheney shoots small, peaceful birds with a high-powered rifle.

On wikipedia the other day, the featured entry was on French novelist and playwright Honore de Balzac, and the featured image in that entry was this one:

Ding ding ding!!

Jonathan M. Lovitz, thy bell has rung!

Imagine the possibilities: young Balzac taunted for his name (it’s pronounced balZac!); sulking at his choice of a career in the law (I feel you, Honore! I feel you!); competing with Franz Liszt for women; and generally just struggling to be an awesome writer.

We could have Chris Elliott, whoever does Grey’s Anatomy (though I fear that might be a computer program, or a lonely, hormonally and emotionally unstable teenager with a library of Hallmark cards and self-help books), and me (since it was my idea) write the script, and have Michael Mann direct it (lots of close-ups, slow-mos, and sunglasses). If Sofia Coppola can make a movie about Marie Antoinette, then why can’t we make one about Balzac?

Seattle readers looking for something to do tonight:

Haymaker & Sally co-director Jason Reid was the director of photography for Grey Linings, a short appearing in the City Symphony Film Challenge at the Northwest Film Forum. Here’s the Northwest Film Forum’s snippet about the Challenge:

With all the new development happening in Seattle, there’s no better time document this cultural, architectural, and social change going on! The City has inspired filmmakers from the beginnings of cinema. This quarter’s film challenge asks Seattle filmmakers to create their own city symphony, a genre with roots that go back to the everyday images recorded by Auguste and Louis Lumière in the 1890s and came into being with MANHATTA in 1921. City Symphonies are motion pictures that capture the spirit and uniqueness of a city by assembling images of everyday life in that city. Use the city to explore ideas of reflection, space, rhythm and transformation.

You can buy tickets here.

After watching a Sonics game, do you ever find yourself wishing you hadn’t drank so much? Or perhaps, despondent at the team’s play or potential move, wishing you’d drank more? Well, we at Buzzer Beater are here to help you regulate (consider us the Nate Dogg to your Warren G). So get a half-rack, turn on the game, and follow the rules below.

Drink every time you encounter an event listed in your category, or in one of the categories before it:

Designated Driver

-Wally Szczerbiak dunks.
-Delonte West finishes with his right hand.
-You overhear someone say “I wish Craig Ehlo was still calling these games.” (Other players: no cheating and lying on this one, or you have to pay for the cab).
-Kevin Durant outmuscles his opponent.
-The camera shows Clayton Bennett in the owner’s box.
-You find yourself thinking “man, those three seven footers were really underrated draft picks.”

I’m just gonna have one or two.

-Luke Ridnour fouls a stronger point guard who’s backing him down.
-After the defense attempts to force him right, Delonte West backs the ball out to get an angle to go left.
-Damien Wilkins hits a corner three.
-Wally Szczerbiak gets an assist or rebound.
-Kurt Thomas dunks.
-Nick Collison attempts a layup or dunk with his right hand.

I need a little buzz.

-Kevin Durant deflects a pass.
-On a pick and roll, Chris Wilcox shuffles his feet to begin setting them for a dunk, despite being more than fifteen feet from the basket.
-Wally Szczerbiak complains to or makes an incredulous face at an official. Drink two more times if he turns to someone other than that official to further plead his case.
-Brian Davis reminds you of Jeff Gannon
-Damien Wilkins takes a shot that would have gotten you benched on your high school, junior high, or rec league team.
-Nick Collison attempts a layup or dunk with his left hand.

Fuck it. Let’s get drunk.

-Kevin Durant takes a shot that would have gotten you benched on your high school, junior high, or rec league team.
-Chris Wilcox dunks.
-Robert Swift looks like a victim stuck in a bully’s body.
- Damien Wilkins pump fakes.
-Jeff Green’s jersey looks too small for him.
-You find yourself examining the southern shore of PJ’s beard for grip marks.

Help me forget!

-Kevin Durant takes a shot.
-Chris Wilcox grabs a rebound.
-A Sonics player misses a defensive rotation, leading to an open shot for the opponent.
-Jeff Green plays better defense than Rashard Lewis.
-Wally Szczerbiak’s dribble game reminds you of your dad’s.
-You find yourself thinking, “I hope they don’t move to Oklahoma City.”

Monday, November 12th
A National Security Council meeting is derailed when the President confuses IEDs with IUDs, puts surgeon general on conference call.

Tuesday, November 13th
The Wall Street Journal reports that, in a nod to traditional free-market economic theory, the U.S. Government is soliciting bids from defense contractors for a $15 billion contract to fight the drug war. Among the competitors is Blackwater.

“It’s simple economics,” explains a Bush economic adviser. “You just prohibit the substance, forcing an informal market and creating profit incentives for legally flexible entrepeneurs. You then liberalize the finance industries in the production countries, allowing drug profits to be stored more easily, no questions asked, and enabling those countries to stabilize their currencies with said profits. Simultaneously, you have the IMF impose austerity measures on those countries, forcing formal industries to contract and pushing more people into the coca trade. Now stay with me, here.” He pauses for a swig of Kool-Aid. “Here’s how you solve it: Find a silver-spoon-fed, A-Team wannabe, Lou Holtz-look-alike party fundraiser, funnel him some money so he can hire some trigger-happy muscleheads, and send ‘em into the jungle.”
“Fuckin’ A,” adds the president. “Hey wait. What about Rambo?”

Lou: Play like a winner today!” Erik: “I thought I wasn’t gonna have to bid on this motherfucker!”

Wednesday, November 14th
David Addington explains to a disappointed President that the term veto is not named after a character from The Godfather.
Addington: Did you sign that signing statement for me?
Bush: Not yet. Wasn’t that awesome when he said he was gonna make him an offer he couldn’t refuse?
Addington: Yes, it was. I’m going to need that statement, Mr. President.
Bush: What’s Habeus Corpus?
Addington ignores him, shuffles papers.
Cheney (from next room): Oh, he’s just Petraeus’ cousin.
Bush: Petraeus…I love that guy.

Thursday, November 15th
An American Research Group poll finds that 43% of Americans support the impeachment of Dick Cheney. Told of the news, an irritated Vice President responds, “well, I’m in support of waterboarding 43% of them, so I’m not sweating it either.”

Friday, November 16th
The Pittsburgh Steelers receive an inspirational message from the Vice President, who has bet on them to cover the spread against the New York Jets. “Remember,” concludes Cheney. “All I need is a Gatorade bucket and a Terrible Towel.”

AP Photo/John Amis

He may look like a high school math club president stretched out on a funhouse mirror, but Kevin Durant is a killer. Sporting new icicle-shaped sideburns, the player Sonics fans have been waiting for emerged with 1.8 seconds left in the second overtime to hit an implausible, off-balance three-pointer to beat the Atlanta Hawks 106-103. He played it cool on his hop and skip to the bench (reminding this observer of Robert Horry after his famous 2002 shot to beat Sacramento in Game 4) before unleashing a pent-up stream of chest beats and shit talk at his teammates and the suddenly silenced Atlanta crowd. This win was cathartic.

The game’s therapeutic nature was evident early, as Damien Wilkins–playing in front of his dad, Gerald, and uncle, Dominique–dominated from the tip, seemingly determined to prove his rightful place in the family hierarchy. (He finished with 41 points. At this point, shouldn’t Wally Szczerbiak offer his place on the all-star ballot to either Wilkins or Wilcox?) It was evident in PJ Carlesimo’s attire–a professorial wool(?) sportcoat and a baby blue mock turtleneck that colored him more avuncular shrink than ear-chewing hardass. (Little known fact: Carlesimo’s incident with Sprewell was actually an Oedipal role-play gone awry.) And it was undeniable when, just before halftime, Durant and Wilcox threw down back-to-back, emphatic dunks, each punctuated by a primal scream that resonated across the airwaves and throughout the sparsely attended Philips Arena.

Perhaps–and this may be hopeful–something snapped after the Orlando blowout. Beware Farkas, Gooch, and bullies leaguewide: the kids are fighting back!

The kids showed some heart last night, coming back from an embarrassing loss at Orlando to beat the cast of Cocoon (plus a rusty Dwyane Wade), 104-95. Chris “Weezy” Wilcox continues to play like one of the league’s better power forwards, which, combined with this press release from yesterday, gives Sonics fans another reason to be indignant:

SEATTLE, Wednesday, Nov. 14, 2007 – NBA All-Star Balloting presented by T-Mobile begins Thursday, Nov. 15, and Seattle SuperSonics guard Luke Ridnour and forwards Nick Collison, Kevin Durant and Wally Szczerbiak will be placed on the ballot.

Szczerbiak? Ridnour? Are they looking for All-Stars or just white guys with nice smiles? Guys who can ball or guys who blow bubbles? Without question, Weezy’s been the Sonics’ best player this season, and in fact ranks as the 13th best power forward in the league in John Hollinger’s Player Efficiency Ratings. (One important question, though: how did he get the nickname? I’ve done a little web searching but haven’t been able to figure it out. Is it a Lil Wayne resemblance? Louise Jefferson? Something else?)

Sorry, Chris: your name’s not on there

Anyhow, angry Sonic fans, you can now add correcting Wilcox’s snub to your list of potential activisms, right after boycotting Starbucks and leaving five-minute screeds on David Stern’s machine (it’s okay, Reidster—you didn’t know the flyer wasn’t actually from Save Our Sonics).

For now, though, let’s take a moment to celebrate. Kevin, have another glass of sparkling cider; Squatch, ransack another campground; and Sonic fans, bury the anger for a day and bask in the rare glory of a road win. And Heat players, maybe one of you can get lucky and score a date with Blanche Devereaux. I hear she’s been hanging around the locker room. A little advice: bring protection. And lube.

Less than two hours until the tip-off of the much awaited meeting between your Seattle SuperSonics and the Miami Heat. The two teams are a combined 1-14, a winning percentage of .067. After tonight’s game, they will be a combined 2-15, a winning percentage of .118. So things are looking up!

What to look for:

Incompetence, broken up by bursts of competence.

Keys to the Game:

Miami: A time machine (to retrieve ‘05-06 roster)
Seattle/Oklahoma City: A time machine (to acquire ‘09-10 roster. (That guy with the orange hair down to his ass and the hand grenades tattooed on his leg is with the team.))

A deep NBA source provided me with the following scouting videos on Heat starters Penny Hardaway and Shaquille O’Neal: