Monday, October 29th
Michael Mukasey refuses to answer whether the President’s invocation of “olly-olly oxen-free” may, as the President asserts, properly confer upon his subordinates immunity from the nation’s laws. “I’d need to read up on that,” explains Mukasey. “It may depend on whether the situation involves enemy combatants.”

Tuesday, October 30th
-Karen Hughes, undesecretary of state for public diplomacy, announces her resignation. Among her accomplishments was a “listening” tour of the Middle East in which she advised Saudi women to learn to drive to make themselves more sympathetic to Americans and asserted, “to preserve the peace, sometimes my country believes war is necessary.”
Said Condi Rice: “she will obviously leave a very big hole.” We consulted an expert for an explanation: “I believe what Ms. Rice is saying is that Ms. Hughes has Goatse’d America.”
-The Los Angeles Times reports that Secretary of Defense Robert M. Gates has come to the conclusion that bombing Iran may be counterproductive. Our intrepid reporter scours the Pentagon recycling bins (Shhh—don’t tell Dick they’ve gone green!) and is able to find Gates’ original list of conclusions:

Note the reference to Petraeus’ diminutive
stature

Thursday, November 1st
-The Washington Post publishes an article about the contents of Donald Rumsfeld’s memos, which he termed snowflakes (a nomenclature that created tension with General Peter Pace, who refused to read them on the grounds that they sounded “too gay.”) Cheney is irate, and tracks down a suntanned and well-rested Rumsfeld at the Podhoretz compound, where Don and the boys are engaged in a circle jerk around a map of Iran and a miniature model of the Enola Gay. Cheney smacks Rumsfeld on the back of the head. “Snowflakes melt, dumbfuck. Memos don’t. We oughta get you on a waterboard.” At the mention of this last word, Rumsfeld achieves orgasm.

Friday, November 2nd
-At a Dallas luncheon, Dick Cheney implies that Hugo Chavez is the President of Peru. When asked later about the gaffe, he insists it was based on the best intelligence available at the time.
-The same speech is interrupted by protesters. Afterward, a fearful Secret Service supervisor apologizes to the VP, who is surprisingly forgiving. “As long as none of the lunches were eaten by schoolchildren, you did a good job in my book.”

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