Sunday, November 18th
-Thomas Friedman writes a column suggesting that if Barack Obama gets the Democratic presidential nomination, he should name Dick Cheney as his running mate. This, Friedman explains, will provide an intimidating presence to potentially hostile states. “It’ll just be like Public Enemy back in the day, with Professor Griff and Security of the First World. Man, did I love listening to Welcome to the Terrordome when I was stirring up war. Those were the days. Remember when my mustache was cool? Does this column make my dick look bigger? Okay, well, whatever. Tell Obama to go with Cheney. I’d offer my services, but I’m already booked for my own gig. It’s a movie called ‘Dorf on Punditry.’”

Monday, November 19th
-Seeking to align military service with the incentives of a free market system, the U.S. Military decides that it will force injured soldiers to return their enlistment bonuses. “Why incentivize getting hurt?” explains Chief Military Economist Herbert Spencer.

“This was all my idea,” says a beaming Paul Bremer from the tomato patch in his Connecticut garden. “I’m still relevant!”

Tuesday, November 20th
-An advance snippet of Scott McLellan’s book critiques the President, Vice President, and key aides for sending him to the press with false information. This brings the list of former Bush Administration members to write books critiquing the President to the following:

Colin Powell
Richard Armitage
Paul O’Neill
Christine Todd Whitman
Scott McClellan

Incidentally, because an overeager intern failed to heed Dick Cheney’s “don’t write anything down” maxim, we now know that the list of “People to Extraordinarily Render” looks like this:

Chris Dodd
Dennis Kucinich
That guy from Peru
Mr. Rogers(DEAD)
…
Colin Powell
Richard Armitage
Paul O’Neill
Christine Todd Whitman
Scott McClellan
…

Asked to comment, the intern said, “gurgle, gurgle, cough, cough.”

Thursday, November 22nd
-In presidential tradition, George W. Bush announces his pardon of the White House turkey. His signing statement, however, indicates otherwise. Out back, Dick Cheney and David Addington are seen covering its beak with a towel.

Saturday, November 24th
The New York Times reports that President Bush, facing a lame duck year and a Congress that has been non-compliant on all non-FISA, non-Iraq matters, intends to focus on smaller, domestic goals. To that end, the White House announces the launching of the new War on Malaise. Instead of alert levels (yellow, orange, red), this war will feature mindfulness tones (current tone: off-mauve). “We’d like to see that down to a blanched almond by December,” explains Michael Chertoff’s gut. To combat his own malaise, Dick Cheney shoots small, peaceful birds with a high-powered rifle.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 26th, 2007 at 2:04 am and is filed under Crazy People, This Week in the Bush Administration, Corruption. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.