This Week in the Bush Administration
December 10th, 2007 by Damon
Monday, December 3rd
-The new National Intelligence Estimate on Iran reports that that country is not currently pursuing a nuclear weapons program. After having worked so hard to drum up a war and having had his way with the intelligence community in the past, Dick Cheney is distressed. “It’s like expecting a kid’s gonna go hungry,” he explains, “and then finding out not only is he going to get a lunch, but your tax dollars are going to pay for it!”
Wednesday, December 5th
-Watchdog group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington reports that the White House deleted over ten million e-mails, more than double the previous estimates. However, using cutting edge new technologies, our intrepid reporter managed to salvage one from Dick Cheney’s inbox:
From: Jonah Goldberg <jonah@armchairwarrior.com>
To: Vice President Cheney
Subject: Fwd: 0stoke
From: Chap Landman <landmanymhlq@grundschule-niedersessmar.de>
To: jonah@armchairwarrior.com
Date: November 1, 2007 11:43 AM
Subject: 0stoke
hey spagetti dick, you can have salami stick now, its simple statistics show more men are enlarging, what are you waiting for?
bomb iran!
Thursday, December 6th
CIA Director Michael Hayden confesses that the agency destroyed tapes of the interrogation of “War on Terror” detainees, including Jose Padilla. It is widely suspected that the tapes contained the application of torture methods.
-Asked to comment, Chuck Schumer says, “The destruction of the tapes was another instance of this administration’s ‘catch me if you can’ disregard for international treaties and diplomacy. I support the CIA fully in its decision.”
Nancy Pelosi chimes in with an amen: “I’ve known about waterboarding since 2002,” she explains. “I was just waiting for the opportunity to pantomime indignation. You can ask my staff: I’ve been working on my ‘This troubles me and I want answers’ face for years!”
John Rockefeller is asked to comment but indicates through a spokesperson that it would be impolite to speak with a mouthful of telecom industry cock.
-The White House refuses to comment on the The Justice Department’s investigation of the tapes’ destruction. “How can we?” asks Dana Perino. “I mean, it would be, like, unethical. Plus the Vice President gets a boner when we talk about torture, and that doesn’t make for good TV.”
Friday, December 7th
-Sheldon Whitehouse takes the Senate floor to describe the highly classified opinions he examined from the Department of Justice Office of Legal Counsel. The opinions held, among other things, that the President is not bound by previous executive orders and that, under Article II of the Constitution, he determines what is or is not a lawful action.
The President’s phone rings. It’s Hugo Chavez.
“Hey there, you lazy oligarch douche bag. I see you finally took my advice.”
“You’re goddamned right, you oil-slicked, commie devil.”
“Keep it up and we’ll be in these gigs forever.”
“Nobody said we ain’t lucky bastards.”
“Fuckin’ A. Look for me on TV tomorrow, calling you a tyrant.”
“Same here, buddy.”
Sunday, December 9th
-The Associated Press reports that Alberto Gonzales received a $1,000 - $1,500 Cartier watch from the Attorney General of Qatar, the only gift received by the Justice Department last year. The watch came with the following note:
Thanks for all the good times and enemy combatants. It’s been an extraordinary two years. You’re a great attorney, and nothing your opponents can gurgle will convince me otherwise.
PS—I wish you could’ve been there when we put the electrodes on that guy’s balls. It was awesome.
PPS—Tell Addington thanks and that his “Geneva Conventions” towels are on their way.
-A CIA insider drops a bombshell. “The tapes,” he tells our intrepid reporter, “weren’t actually destroyed.” His voice lowers to a whisper. “Dick Cheney has them. He watches them when he jerks off.”
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December 10th, 2007 at 10:15 am
Great Monday morning reading, as always. One thing though: I don’t think the Agency has confessed to “destroying” Padilla’s tapes, the way they destroyed the tapes of Abu Zubaydah getting tortured. They claimed that they lost Padilla’s tapes (although I can’t imagine anyone with any sense believing them on that). Padilla, you may recall, actually went to trial, so spoliation of the tapes of his torture would be absolutely, indisputably criminal behavior on the part of the Agency, unlike the other destructions of evidence, which are only criminal to people who believe in quaint niceties like democracy and the rule of law.
December 10th, 2007 at 10:19 am
Also, check out this really interesting metric for evaluating NBA defensive efficacy. http://matthewyglesias.theatlantic.com/archives/2007/12/defense.php
I’ve always found “Points Allowed” to be an almost useless statistic, because it says nothing about offensive pacing. Whereas, points allowed per possession relative to league median tells you just about everything you need to know.
December 10th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Good point on the Padilla tapes–that was a little sloppy. I shall have to fix that. Thanks for passing on the link about Boston’s defensive efficiency. An interesting corrollary to Boston’s high defensive efficiency is that the teams he points out that are known for their defense (San Antonio and Detroit) actually have the league’s most efficient offenses. One thing Yglesias doesn’t note, however, is scheduling: Boston has hardly faced a murderer’s row, with multiple games against Toronto, New Jersey, and the other Stalwarts of the Eastern Conference. The team is quite good, obviously, but their numbers have been inflated by a cream puff schedule.