The end of the year is the time for top ten lists. However, 2007 was not kind to Seattle sports fans, so we decided to make it a bottom ten instead:

10. May 24th - The Mariners lose to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays 13-12. Third base coach Carlos Garcia gets two runners thrown out at home. Explaining his decision to send not-so-fleety Jose Lopez home against the near legendary arm of Delmon Young, Garcia says, “It was the first time we played them. I didn’t know he had such a good arm. But now I know.” The club defends Garcia against fans who point out that the strength of Young’s arm is widely recognized and could have been gleaned by reading a scouting report, or merely conducting a google search. “The fans who are expressing their discontent are displaying an unsettling level of cultural insensitivity,” declares Howard Lincoln. When asked to identify the culture to which the fans were being insensitive, Lincoln replies simply, “losing.”

9. Date unknown - Wally Szczerbiak takes rookie teammate Kevin Durant under his wing, explaining to the young star that he can boost his scoring average by largely ignoring those pesky things called teammates. “Unless, they’re setting a pick for you, they’re not there,” he says. (This may not have happened yet, but it’s a scary thought, no?)

8. The Weekend of November 10th to 11th - Let’s start on Sunday: Moving like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle minus the Teenage Mutant Ninja part, Robert Swift has zero points, two rebounds, and two fouls in 12 minutes of play. As he struggles to lug his freshly tatted 280 lbs up and down the Key Arena floor, some fans wonder whether, knee injury or not, the new bulk will ruin the agility that was his previous strong suit. One night earlier, the player the Sonics should have drafted in 2004, Al Jefferson, scores 17 points and grabs 12 rebounds for the Minnesota Timberwolves.

7. January 1st - Ty Willingham’s Huskies look totally unprepared for their bowl game matchup with…oh, wait, nevermind.

6. December 12th - Unable to resist his stunning array of “out” pitches (as in “quickly headed ‘out’ of the park”), the Seattle Mariners tender Horacio Ramirez, the man who accrued more walks than strikeouts and hits than innings in 2007. “It was a difficult decision,” explains Bill Bavasi. “Had he been signed by a division rival, we might have been able to keep Richie Sexson’s batting average over .220 for the season.”

5. November 15th - Howard Schultz signs up to sponsor a youth basketball team.

4. August 28th - With the Mariners needing a win against the 1st place Angels to stay in the pennant race; with the bases loaded, the team down one run in the 8th inning, and Vladimir Guerrero due up, John McLaren digs deep into the throat of bullpen suckage to pull out Rick White. The barrel-stomached veteran, a piece of waiver wire flotsam that somehow landed in the Safeco bullpen (care to explain, Bill?), takes the mound and promptly makes a mound of his own. Two batters later, the bases — and Rick’s bowels — have been emptied, and the game is all but over.

3. Sundays, generally - Shaun Alexander sees tacklers, falls down.

2. December 3rd — Citing his dissatisfaction with the community center facilities, Schultz transfers sponsorship duties to an Oklahoma City car dealership, but asks if he can still attend the year-end pizza party.

1. November 1st — Sonics owner Clayton Bennett celebrates the newly begun Kevin Durant era by filing with the NBA for relocation of the team. Here’s to you, Mr. Bennett. May all your years be as bad as our 2007.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 18th, 2007 at 6:21 pm and is filed under Supersonics, football, Baseball, Roundball. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.