The Mitchell report is out.

It was a battle of the willowy kings of crossover as Kevin Durant and Jamal Crawford traded crunch-time buckets before a discontented Madison Square Garden crowd in the Sonics 117-110 run, gun, and turnover defeat of the New York Knicks. Barely had Durant finished flushing an unexpected and encouraging two-handed, in-traffic jam when the Garden faithful began raining boos and “Fire Isiah” chants on the embattled and oddly incompetent auteur of the Knicks dramedy.

But jeers for Isiah are old news; what’s new is the long-armed rook taking it to the defense and finishing, as they say, with authority. Durant’s shooting only 40% on the season, and while Brooklyn Seely astutely notes Durant’s tendency to jack up literally and figuratively misguided three-balls, I’ve noticed that he misses probably 2-4 in-the-paint shots a game where he tries to slither around a defender he could simply go over or through. Now, it’s pretty when he makes it work, and I know he’d be lucky to weigh more than two bills right now, but the guy’s got long arms, decent hops, and, as Seely noted, a friendly officiating crew. On top of all that, he can make free throws. So do yourself, the team, and the fans a favor, Kevin, and try to posterize some folks.

After getting blown out by the grittily-guttily-led, coulda-been-a-contender Chicago Bulls, the Supes move on to the Big Apple, where they face the team that makes every NBA beat writer drool: The New York Knicks. (Seriously, could you ever have difficulty coming up with a story about a team like that?)

The Knickerbockers, payer of the league’s highest payroll, are just this week $11.5 million lighter in the wallet, following their settlement of a sexual harassment lawsuit with an employee whom owner James Dolan, in an episode that reads like the script for a “how-not-to” corporate training video, fired after she filed her harassment claim and without consulting with his legal team.

Still, for better or worse, Mr. Dolan is not the face of the franchise. That honor belongs to head coach/general manager/accused sexual harasser Isiah Thomas. Babyfaced, mercurial, and the butt of many an article and blog post, Thomas has turned the crazy up a notch this season. Here are a couple of anecdotes to help you get through tonight’s likely stinker. Get out your DSM-IV, folks, and enjoy the unvarnished Isiah:

From a press conference following Monday night’s 10-point loss to the Dallas Mavericks (it wasn’t as close as final margin), in which the team was booed and Isiah accused of chastising courtside fans for not being more supportive:

“I fight ’til I die. It’s not about giving up or quitting. To me, it’s win or die. I literally mean death, I don’t mean ‘walk away.’ I mean death. That’s how I have coached.”

But my favorite Isiah anecdote of the season was delivered by fashionista Craig Sager (if the Trailblazers ever change their name to the Tackyblazers, they’ll know who to hire as their mascot), during the Knicks epic loss to the Boston Celtics a couple weeks ago. It went something like this:

Isiah Thomas has renewed his hate affair with the city of Boston. After leaving his hotel for an afternoon spin class [spin class!], Isiah returned to find the key to his room didn’t work. He suspected the hotel of having changed the lock/card code. After waiting 45 minutes to get back in [at this point, one has to wonder what sorts of joints Dolan’s putting them up in], he refused to order room service or go out for his dinner, because he couldn’t trust anyone in Boston to prepare his food. Instead, he just ate from the mini-bar. Afterward, he told Saigs of the Bostonians, “I hate them as much as they hate me.”

Here’s to you, Isiah. Thanks for helping to make the Knicks one of the league’s most entertaining franchises.

My friend Mike was right: Wally can still dunk. He dropped in a one-hander just before the halftime buzzer. Exhilarating as that was, it wasn’t enough to rally his team past the injury-depleted Hornets, who won 91-88.

As he has many times this year, Kevin Durant came out flat, missing jumpers badly and seemingly just going through the motions. Nevertheless, he became more aggressive as the game went on and managed to finish with 23 points (mostly by taking a lot of shots). He should have had more, but his ability to finish in the paint is still hampered by his slight frame and his reluctance to try to dunk on people rather than slither around them. (Seriously, someone should explain to him that he has a Mutombo-like wingspan and decent hops.) It was encouraging to see him attempt several left-handed finishes.

Earl Watson had another decent game. While we Sonics fans have been bitching endlessly about the team’s point guard situation, Watson has put together a nice string of games. Over the last five games, he’s shooting over 50% and has an assist-to-turnover ratio of over 3 to 1. He’s also been getting rid of the ball earlier in the shot clock (or perhaps it just seems that way and the real culprit was always Delonte West?)

Finally, a trend I’ve noticed with this Sonics team is that they tend to give up big points to the opposing team’s big men at the beginning of the game. Andris Biedrins, Andrew Bogut, and now Tyson Chandler spent the first quarters scoring seemingly at will in the post. (They cooled down later, often when the Sonics threw different defensive combinations at them.) This makes me wonder whether Kurt Thomas is reaching the point in the age/experience continuum where diminution of athletic skills begins to outweigh savvy. He’s always been known as a good post defender, so perhaps it’s simply that he’s being asked to defend centers rather than power forwards (though it seems that, at this point, the latter would have little trouble outquicking him), or that the team defense is weak (it is). Either way, he’s a nice guy to have on the court for midrange jumpers and a Dennis Rodman-range rebound ratio.

On to Chicago for the Bulls, a game that, for David Stern and the NBA, is probably the equivalent of the air being let out of a giant balloon.

Monday, December 3rd
-The new National Intelligence Estimate on Iran reports that that country is not currently pursuing a nuclear weapons program. After having worked so hard to drum up a war and having had his way with the intelligence community in the past, Dick Cheney is distressed. “It’s like expecting a kid’s gonna go hungry,” he explains, “and then finding out not only is he going to get a lunch, but your tax dollars are going to pay for it!”

Wednesday, December 5th
-Watchdog group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington reports that the White House deleted over ten million e-mails, more than double the previous estimates. However, using cutting edge new technologies, our intrepid reporter managed to salvage one from Dick Cheney’s inbox:

From: Jonah Goldberg <jonah@armchairwarrior.com>
To: Vice President Cheney <constitution_this@aol.com>
Date: November 1, 2007 11:45 AM
Subject: Fwd: 0stoke

From: Chap Landman <landmanymhlq@grundschule-niedersessmar.de>
To: jonah@armchairwarrior.com
Date: November 1, 2007 11:43 AM
Subject: 0stoke

hey spagetti dick, you can have salami stick now, its simple statistics show more men are enlarging, what are you waiting for?
bomb iran!

Thursday, December 6th
CIA Director Michael Hayden confesses that the agency destroyed tapes of the interrogation of “War on Terror” detainees, including Jose Padilla. It is widely suspected that the tapes contained the application of torture methods.

-Asked to comment, Chuck Schumer says, “The destruction of the tapes was another instance of this administration’s ‘catch me if you can’ disregard for international treaties and diplomacy. I support the CIA fully in its decision.”
Nancy Pelosi chimes in with an amen: “I’ve known about waterboarding since 2002,” she explains. “I was just waiting for the opportunity to pantomime indignation. You can ask my staff: I’ve been working on my ‘This troubles me and I want answers’ face for years!”
John Rockefeller is asked to comment but indicates through a spokesperson that it would be impolite to speak with a mouthful of telecom industry cock.

-The White House refuses to comment on the The Justice Department’s investigation of the tapes’ destruction. “How can we?” asks Dana Perino. “I mean, it would be, like, unethical. Plus the Vice President gets a boner when we talk about torture, and that doesn’t make for good TV.”

Friday, December 7th
-Sheldon Whitehouse takes the Senate floor to describe the highly classified opinions he examined from the Department of Justice Office of Legal Counsel. The opinions held, among other things, that the President is not bound by previous executive orders and that, under Article II of the Constitution, he determines what is or is not a lawful action.

The President’s phone rings. It’s Hugo Chavez.
“Hey there, you lazy oligarch douche bag. I see you finally took my advice.”
“You’re goddamned right, you oil-slicked, commie devil.”
“Keep it up and we’ll be in these gigs forever.”
“Nobody said we ain’t lucky bastards.”
“Fuckin’ A. Look for me on TV tomorrow, calling you a tyrant.”
“Same here, buddy.”

Sunday, December 9th
-The Associated Press reports that Alberto Gonzales received a $1,000 - $1,500 Cartier watch from the Attorney General of Qatar, the only gift received by the Justice Department last year. The watch came with the following note:

Thanks for all the good times and enemy combatants. It’s been an extraordinary two years. You’re a great attorney, and nothing your opponents can gurgle will convince me otherwise.

PS—I wish you could’ve been there when we put the electrodes on that guy’s balls. It was awesome.
PPS—Tell Addington thanks and that his “Geneva Conventions” towels are on their way.

-A CIA insider drops a bombshell. “The tapes,” he tells our intrepid reporter, “weren’t actually destroyed.” His voice lowers to a whisper. “Dick Cheney has them. He watches them when he jerks off.”

Congratulations to the Sonics, who achieved their second winning streak of the season by following Wednesday’s defeat of the Clippers with a 104-98 triumph over the Milwaukee Bucks. Stars of the game:

-Kevin Durant: He played his best game of the year, matching his 35-point career high and adding eight rebounds and five blocks. His long arms are uncannily disruptive, leading this observer to think of Scottie Pippen, and then of Jay-Z’s “Never Change”, wherein the artist humbly declares, “we can get paid for longer than Pippen’s arms.” On that same album (The Blueprint), Jay-Z namechecks Jordan, Magic, and Bird. Question is, how long will it be before Jay-Z (or even some lesser rapper) casually references Durant in a lyric? Is Mr. Hova above that stuff now that he’s a “grown ass man” and no longer wears throwbacks?

-Flopping, whining, petty slapping: Known for his neverending search for a competitve advantage, famous flopper and whiner Manu Ginobili requested a tape of the performances by Wally Szczerbiak, Royal Ivey, and Mo Williams. An insider source provided us with that tape.

-Earl Watson: Perhaps inspired by his visit Thursday to North Beach Elementary School (more on that in the next few days), Watson brought a little playground to the game, the highlight being a fastbreak in which he performed a wraparound dribble and then, as he approached the dotted line, threw a no-look, one-handed bounce pass between his legs to Chris Wilcox (trailing directly behind him), who threw down the right-handed tomahawk dunk. Also, Mo Williams may have flopped on the play.

-Michael Redd: Despite being his team’s only consistent scoring threat, The Son of the Preacher Man managed to toss in a cool 41. Meanwhile, in San Antonio, Manu Ginobili hit 37 for the second straight game. Which leads to this question–with Duncan out and Manu once again proving his ability to get buckets, who is the league’s most dangerous left-handed, bald-spotted, midsize scorer?

Haymaker & Sally co-director Jason “Reidster” Reid remains as prolific as ever. Tonight, he’ll be flaunting his acting, directing, and cinematography skills at Rawstock Media “Aural Fixation” (9:00 PM at Seattle’s Act Theater). See Reid star in “Movies Are Enjoyable” With Gary; direct Haymaker & Sally actor and co-score-writer Lil Kriz’s Vegas video; and display his cinematic eye as the Director of Photography for Grey Linings, a city symphony short.

More info here

Artwork from Vegas by Andrew Miller.

Jason “Reidster” Reid as Gary

Apparently this one’s been on the web for a week or two, but it’s worth posting for those who haven’t seen it. The announcer gets the call wrong a couple of times, but the ref lets us know what happened. Thanks to Jeff for the link.

This ran on Buzzer Beater yesterday but I forgot to put it up here.

Sonics 95, Clippers 88

Wednesday night at Key Arena saw a visit from the Los Angeles Clippers, minus their regular stars Elton Brand (torn achilles — ouch!), Shaun Livingston (worst knee injury the doctor had ever seen — double ouch!), Sam Cassell (sore calf; though if anyone is crafty enough to play on one leg, it’s him), and Chris Kaman’s stringy blond locks (will magically reappear when he surprises everyone (except readers of this blog) by storming out of the tunnel to a Kid Rock song and demanding a steel cage match with Reggie Evans in Wrestlemania XXIV.

I’m comin’ for you, Reggie!

The Sonics, on the other hand, were missing NBA-starter-caliber talent at a number of positions. They were also missing Luke Ridnour, Delonte West, and Robert Swift.

It was a game of bloopers, with enough errant passes landing in the stands that the Sonics might want to consider installing some hockey-style plexiglass. (Damien Wilkins won the tale of the tape with a wild fling from the free throw line that landed in the third row.) But at least it was a win. A few notes:

-Jeff Green had the most encouraging play of the game: After receiving the ball on the left block, he dribbled once, leading with his left shoulder, was cut off, spun back to his right shoulder and swished a left-handed jump hook. This is a move Chris Wilcox has yet to make in his six years in the league, and is particularly impressive given how one-handed Green looked coming in. But as one of the team’s color commentators noted in a broadcast the other day, Green has been tirelessly working on his game, getting to the gym early and staying late to run through drills with assistant coaches. His teammates, a good number of whose games are severely limited by their inability to finish with their off hand, should take notice.

-Kevin Durant bounced back from Sunday’s stinker against the Warriors to have a nice game, particularly at the defensive end, where he continues to block shots and deflect passes with his cartoonish arms.

-Nick Collison returned from his broken nose with a vengeance, making Sonics fans and fantasy owners very happy with 18 points and 17 rebounds in just 36 minutes.

-Delonte West’s plantar fasciitis meant that Mikaele Gelabale got some minutes at the point. Unfortunately, he was unable to knock down any jumpers (or the left handed tomahawk he tried on Chris Kaman), but he showed less of a tendency to overdribble than West or Earl Watson, though some of the problem does appear to lie with the Sonics’ offense. Facing Brevin Knight and Dan Dickau, his point guard defense wasn’t really tested. The experiment likely won’t last long, as Ridnour’s due back shortly.

-Finally, Washington State native and Gonzaga alum Dan Dickau got almost 20 minutes of playing time, a testament to the depletion of the Clippers’ roster. With his moppy hair and short arms, Dickau looks so out of place on an NBA court, like someone pulled Marky Mark out of a Rock n’ Jock All-Star Game and beamed him over to the Key in 2007.

If I had the Funky Bunch here we’d be runnin’ this motherfucker!

• The Full MOA - City Pages (Minneapolis/St. Paul) - Very funny account of an epic feat of endurance: the author spent a full week at the Mall of America, from open to close each day (and even through one night), visiting every store, being threatened by vendors with claimed ties to the Israeli mafia, and generally just undergoing hell.
• Semi Pro Movie - Will Ferrell - I’m sold.
• MySpace.com - The Long Goodbye - Los Angeles, California - Indie - www.myspace.com/thelonggoodbyeband - Michael Cera has a band! (Insert George Michael joke here.) Hat tip to the Seattle Weekly for the link.
• THE EXILE - Two Cities, Two Protests, One Arrest - By Yasha Levine - Russia - What’s it like being a protester in Russia? Get to know your fellow dissidents within a 5′ x 5′ soundproof, pitch black, steel holding box. Link found at The Stranger.
• Bicycles That Carry Powerful Beats, and Even a Rider or Two - New York Times - Two-wheel sound systems in Queens–an interesting new trend. Thanks to Doug for the link.
• Serving Life for Providing Car to Killers - New York Times - Another instance of America’s Saudi-lite criminal justice laws. That this kid is locked up for life is absurd. I’m bothered by the unquestioned deference given to the policy positions of victims’ groups. Of course no one wants to trivialize what are undoubtedly horrific experiences, but, shit, who among us makes our best decisions when we feel we’ve been wronged? I understand the theories that a vengeful code of justice prevents the sort of mob rule that would otherwise occur (though I think they’re fairly specious). And I definitely understand the desire to inflict punishment on a person who’s wronged me. I mean, I’ve wanted (on a very base level, of course–I don’t act on it) to beat people’s asses for all sorts of misdeeds. Is that the place we want our criminal justice system to come from? Wouldn’t it make more sense to base our decisions on the net costs and benefits to society, rather than on the emotional gratification of the wronged? We should listen to victims’ groups, not kowtow to them.
• Opinions: Tom Toles Cartoons - (washingtonpost.com) - Funny cartoon mocking the Washington Post’s recent decision to publish an article parroting “rumors” (beyond baseless) that Barack Obama is a “muslim plant” who will take his oath of office using the Koran. The Post failed to point out themselves that there was no evidence to support the rumors and didn’t explain Obama’s refutation of them until the 12th paragraph. (For a rundown of all the problems with the Post article, click here.)
• Ending Famine, Simply by Ignoring the Experts - New York Times - Kudos to Malawi for telling the West to shove its Spencerian, Washington Consensus austerity measures. I hope more developing countries follow suit.
• The Dirt on Clean, cleanliness, dirt, filth, bathing, bacteria | Salon Life - Interesting interview with woman who wrote a book on the history of human cleanliness.
• ESPN.com - E-ticket: Bo Knows Best - From the where-are-they-now category.
• Matt Taibbi on Mike Huckabee, Our Favorite Right-Wing Nut Job : Rolling Stone - A well-written and fairly comprehensive profile of Mike Huckabee.
• Rolling Stone : Year of the Rat: A 2008 Campaign Diary By Matt Taibbi - Another Taibbi piece. He’s a favorite of my friend Nirav’s. I’m not sure I’m quite as enthralled, but his coverage of the campaign has been really funny. Be sure to read to the end, where he finds a way to get his money quote.