We invite you to play our new, can’t-lose holiday game: Where’s Douche Bag?

Monday, November 26th
-New investigations reveal that, despite its criticisms of US treatment of Guantanamo prisoners, Spain allowed US planes to use its airports to transport rendered suspects to Guantanamo. Upon hearing the news, Congressional Democrats invite the Spanish Socialist Workers Party to be honorary Democrats. “You know, sometimes you forget, with national boundaries, how much we have in common,” explains Dianne Feinstein. “But they’re just like us.”

Friday, November 30th
-The Washington Post reports that White House Special Counsel Scott Bloch confesses to having wiped his hard drive of all files relating to his investigation of Karl Rove and says he won’t be providing his copies of the files either.

As another article explains: Following the revelation of the computer wipes, federal investigators have requested Bloch turn over copies of personal files that he saved to his America Online account before his hard disk was scrubbed. Bloch has refused, saying the data…don’t involve his official work.

Why ask Bloch when you could go straight to America Online, right, Dianne? I mean, we don’t even need a warrant, do we, Chuck?

Sunday, December 2nd
-The New York Times reports that lawlessness has hit new highs in Baghdad, with people bribing and stealing at unprecendented levels. (Iraq is now considered the world’s third most corrupt country.) The article runs with a picture of a car wash business that was created by rerouting the water from public pipes. Told of the news, President Bush isn’t worried. “This just shows the Iraqi people’s desire for a free market system in which private initiative, rather than public bureaucracy, drives the distribution of key goods and services.”
-Newsweek reports that Condoleezza Rice will invite Paul Wolfowitz to head the International Security Advisory Board. Wolfowitz will replace Fred Thompson, who was fired for being a corpse. After extending her offer, Condi let Wolfowitz know that the position comes with limits. “You’ve got to promise me you won’t mess this up by trying to throw money at people you fucked,” she told him, in an obvious reference to his early departure from the World Bank. “Unless, of course, it’s Iraq.”

One game off their first home victory and the first truly dominant performance by Kevin Durant, the Sonics soiled the bedding against Don Nelson’s run n’ gun Golden State Warriors. A few notes from the game:

-In a comical turn of events that will only give David Stern more fodder for his Seattle-trashing, the scoreboard caught fire in the first quarter and had to be lowered to the court so a couple of Seattle’s Bravest could crawl inside with fire extinguishers and put out the blaze.

-Name for artist’s rendering of Sonics offense: Still Life on a Basketball Court.

-As I took my seat before the game, I noticed a scout sitting next to me, a tall gentleman sucking on a wad of chaw. So I asked him a few questions, hoping he could help me know my Sonics better. “Have you ever seen Delonte West finish with his right hand?” I asked. He paused, spitting some brown juice in a dixie cup. “Never,” he said.
“How about Chris Wilcox–you ever see him finish with his left hand?”
He paused longer this time, raising his head and squinting in concentration. “Yeah.”

-New nickname for Delonte West: The Clock. (As in shot clock, which he dominates; also because, like a clock, he goes in only one direction).

-Andris Biedrins, the Latvian George Hamilton, did a one man tip-drill (not that kind, gutter-minds) on the Sonics front line, collecting a double double by the end of the first quarter.

-For a short while in the second quarter (and maybe at other times as well), former UCLA teammates Earl Watson, Matt Barnes, and Baron Davis were all on the court at the same time. Consequentially, this observer grew a little nostalgic for the old Steve Lavin UCLA teams, and remembered how he once grew so excited at a Dan Gadzuric dunk in the NCAA tournament that he spilled red wine on the couch and lap of his then girlfriend.

-We were treated to an appearance by Austin Croshere, a guy who, in true NBA fashion, turned a nice playoff run in 2000 into seven years of big-time paydays (the luck ran out this season, as he’s only at $770,000). One thing I noticed–his bald spot appears to be the same size today as it was when he was scoring big off the bench in the 2000 finals. (Anyone else nostalgic for the John Tesh theme song? Walton and Snapper? I miss the NBA on NBC.) Its steady size made me wonder if it’s the balding equivalent of Rasheed Wallace’s always-the-same-size grey spot. Did he have it when he was a kid?

-With about four minutes left in the game, Kevin Durant finally got the memo (you know, the one that says “you’re an athletic guy with a 7′5″ wingspan–maybe you should try dunking on people instead of always twisting and contorting to go under or around them.”) One attempt got him to the free throw line and the other caromed off the back rim. But it was nice to see him add that sort of aggression to his repertoire. Let’s hope it sticks and wasn’t just a garbage time dalliance.

-Finally, while one was listed as a point guard and the other as a shooting guard, Delonte West and Monta (pronounced MON-tay) Ellis spent the beginning of the game matched up, making for one of the league’s few non-same-name, rhyming matchups. Other potential rhyming matchups: Deron Williams vs. Baron Davis, Devin Harris vs. Kevin Martin, Zarko Caparkapa vs. Darko Milicic, Glen Davis vs. Ben Wallace, Matt Harpring or Matt Barnes vs. Pat Garrity, Matt Harpring vs. Pat Burke (Burke and Barnes are teammates and thus can’t constitute a rhyming matchup unless it’s in practice).

It was hardly a clash of the titans, but thanks to a certain lanky 19 year old, at least it was fun to watch. Kevin Durant scored a career-high 35 points to match the number on his jersey, and the Sonics finally picked up a home victory, squeezing by the NBA’s most boring team, the Indiana Pacers, 95-93.

Durant looked bored himself as the game began, spending the first offensive set standing in the corner with his hands on his hips. He picked up a couple quick turnovers that betrayed a lack of concentration (one for carrying and another for catching a pass while standing on the sideline) and got the early hook from Carlesimo. Upon his return, he set about dominating the game with an offensive repertoire that made the other nine players look like rookies. Durant was the best player on the court and he knew it. The highlight was a shot clock-beating fadeaway over Danny Granger that most players would be shy to attempt even in a pick-up game.

A few notes:

-Given that Durant wants the ball in his hands (he’s always calling for it), is increasingly showing that he knows what to do with it (he’s creating plays for others as well as himself), and that the Sonics have, by all accounts, a point guard problem, why not run the offense through Durant? PJ finally came around to this idea at the end of the game; here’s hoping he sticks with it.

-Johan Petro made the most of his 15 minutes (6 points, 5 rebounds, 3 blocks), leading this observer to wish he were getting a few more minutes. And while you’re at it, PJ, give my guys Mo and Mik a little more time, too.

-It’s worth getting to games early to watch Mo Sene and Mik Gelabele before tipoff. (That’s about the only time they’re on the floor.) Mo blocks Mik’s layup in the warmup line! Mik shows Mo how he can jump and hit his head on the backboard during introductions! Mo tries but fails! Mo then shows Mik his new robot dance!

-Mike Dunleavy looks like a cross between James Van Der Beek, Neil Patrick Harris, and a shipment of human growth hormone.

-Finally, does Jeff Foster ever dunk the ball? He’s an athletic dude, and I recall a story a few years back on how Isiah Thomas said the Pacers practice would be over if both Jonathan Bender and Jeff Foster could put down dunks from the free throw line, and they did. But whenever Foster gets the ball in point blank range in the game, he lays it in. Strange for a big guy.

Around the League (or just in Utah):
-Andrei Kirilenko had the box score of the night: 20 points, 11 rebounds, 11 assists, 6 steals, 4 blocks. Perhaps last night he took advantage of his spousally-granted yearly freebie.
-Kyrylo Fesenko made his NBA debut! After the Jazz struggled to reach him (he was being called up from the D League but thought he had the day off, so he didn’t set his alarm) he scored 6 points and grabbed 7 rebounds in 13 minutes. Way to go, Kyrylo!