Today, on his 73rd birthday, Longtime Mariners play-by-play announcer Dave Niehaus won the Ford C. Frick award. Every year, the Baseball Hall of Fame gives the award to a broadcaster for “major contributions to baseball.” The award comes with an automatic induction into the broadcasters’ wing at Cooperstown.

Having grown up listening to Niehaus and narrated innumerable childhood wiffle ball home runs with some version of his “swung on and belted deep to left field…this one will fly away…my oh my!” call, I feel the Hall couldn’t have selected a more deserving candidate.

Now all that remains is for his finest color commentator to join him in baseball immortality. Ronald Ray Fairly, you’re up.

“The wind at Candlestick tonight is blowing with great propensity.”

(Just thought I’d follow the rule that sports headlines must contain a bad pun.)

So it looks like the Mariners are going to remain in panic mode and sign Carlos Silva to a 4 year, $44 million contract. Silva and Jarrod Washburn will form a $20 million, two-headed monster in the middle of the rotation that really should be in the back of the rotation. If both are healthy and pitch full years, the Mariners will be paying roughly $100,000 for every strikeout they throw. Meanwhile, the Indians will be paying about $9 million for the full year services of C.C. Sabathia and roughly $300,000 for Fausto Carmona, and the Tigers $1 million for Justin Verlander and $4.5 million for Jeremy Bonderman. All of them are better than Washburn and Silva.

The point I’m getting at (in however a roundabout fashion) is that free agent pitching is generally overpriced and developing pitching from your own farm system (or someone else’s) is a much better bang for your buck. (Of course, if you have tons of money–which the Mariners do not–sometimes it pays to play the market, as was the case for Boston this year.) Billy Beane, the crown prince of squeezing the most out of a payroll, has recognized that for years in Oakland, and that’s why he didn’t re-sign players like Hudson, Mulder, and Zito. Only Hudson has come close to living up to his subsequent free agent contract.

The Mariners have the 7th highest payroll in baseball, but the team gets a relatively free pass from its fans for its inability to turn the money into anything approaching a contending team. It fails to develop its young talent because of a fetish for experience and “proven veterans” (proven to do what?): Keep in mind that batting practice pitcher Horacio Ramirez was acquired at the cost of young talent Rafael Soriano, who had a superb year as a reliever in Atlanta, with a WHIP of .86.

If the Mariners don’t want to chance it with Cha Seung Baek, Brandon Morrow, Ryan Rowland-Smith, Ryan Feirebrand, et. al. (I’m guessing at least one or two would turn out to be serviceable starters), then perhaps they should sign some pitchers to 1-year, stopgap contracts and continue to develop their young talent. This way, in a year, when Felix Hernandez is even better, Adam Jones is seasoned, Brandon Morrow has a third pitch, Jeff Clement is ready to come up, and Adrian Beltre and Ichiro Suzuki are still in their relative primes, the team will have some money to fill in the gaps and have a true shot at a World Series. (Dave Cameron at USS Mariner designs such a scenario in this post.) In the meantime, they’ll be no worse off than if they signed Silva.

The end of the year is the time for top ten lists. However, 2007 was not kind to Seattle sports fans, so we decided to make it a bottom ten instead:

10. May 24th - The Mariners lose to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays 13-12. Third base coach Carlos Garcia gets two runners thrown out at home. Explaining his decision to send not-so-fleety Jose Lopez home against the near legendary arm of Delmon Young, Garcia says, “It was the first time we played them. I didn’t know he had such a good arm. But now I know.” The club defends Garcia against fans who point out that the strength of Young’s arm is widely recognized and could have been gleaned by reading a scouting report, or merely conducting a google search. “The fans who are expressing their discontent are displaying an unsettling level of cultural insensitivity,” declares Howard Lincoln. When asked to identify the culture to which the fans were being insensitive, Lincoln replies simply, “losing.”

9. Date unknown - Wally Szczerbiak takes rookie teammate Kevin Durant under his wing, explaining to the young star that he can boost his scoring average by largely ignoring those pesky things called teammates. “Unless, they’re setting a pick for you, they’re not there,” he says. (This may not have happened yet, but it’s a scary thought, no?)

8. The Weekend of November 10th to 11th - Let’s start on Sunday: Moving like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle minus the Teenage Mutant Ninja part, Robert Swift has zero points, two rebounds, and two fouls in 12 minutes of play. As he struggles to lug his freshly tatted 280 lbs up and down the Key Arena floor, some fans wonder whether, knee injury or not, the new bulk will ruin the agility that was his previous strong suit. One night earlier, the player the Sonics should have drafted in 2004, Al Jefferson, scores 17 points and grabs 12 rebounds for the Minnesota Timberwolves.

7. January 1st - Ty Willingham’s Huskies look totally unprepared for their bowl game matchup with…oh, wait, nevermind.

6. December 12th - Unable to resist his stunning array of “out” pitches (as in “quickly headed ‘out’ of the park”), the Seattle Mariners tender Horacio Ramirez, the man who accrued more walks than strikeouts and hits than innings in 2007. “It was a difficult decision,” explains Bill Bavasi. “Had he been signed by a division rival, we might have been able to keep Richie Sexson’s batting average over .220 for the season.”

5. November 15th - Howard Schultz signs up to sponsor a youth basketball team.

4. August 28th - With the Mariners needing a win against the 1st place Angels to stay in the pennant race; with the bases loaded, the team down one run in the 8th inning, and Vladimir Guerrero due up, John McLaren digs deep into the throat of bullpen suckage to pull out Rick White. The barrel-stomached veteran, a piece of waiver wire flotsam that somehow landed in the Safeco bullpen (care to explain, Bill?), takes the mound and promptly makes a mound of his own. Two batters later, the bases — and Rick’s bowels — have been emptied, and the game is all but over.

3. Sundays, generally - Shaun Alexander sees tacklers, falls down.

2. December 3rd — Citing his dissatisfaction with the community center facilities, Schultz transfers sponsorship duties to an Oklahoma City car dealership, but asks if he can still attend the year-end pizza party.

1. November 1st — Sonics owner Clayton Bennett celebrates the newly begun Kevin Durant era by filing with the NBA for relocation of the team. Here’s to you, Mr. Bennett. May all your years be as bad as our 2007.

The Mitchell report is out.

Congratulations, Red Sox “Nation”: it appears the wheels haven’t come off your bandwagon yet. With your newfound familiarity with the boys from Beantown, perhaps you could help me out with a tricky question.

When he was just coming out of college, back in 1998, I remember Sports Illustrated or ESPN publishing a piece on J.D. Drew in which he said he doesn’t dance because he considers it prohibited by his Christian faith. However, I’ve had a hard time confirming this online. Does anyone else remember this article (or remember seeing or hearing this elsewhere)? Is it still the case? And if it is, here’s my question: at what point does an elaborate high-five ritual or celebratory pigpile violate that prohibition?

Nobody puts Baby in a corner

From the people who brought you football robots…

Yeah, it sounds like a country club clothing brand, but it’s actually our October friends at Fox, the dudes in the booth who offer pithy observations after Fox adds sound effects when a player slides. Last night was my first real taste of this year’s magic, when Kevin Youkilis, playing first base, failed to catch a pick-off throw and McCarver said “I don’t think he even touched it with his glove! That ball just hit his ankle!” The replays–from multiple angles–showed the ball deflecting off of Youkilis’ glove, but McCarver remained steadfast.

Still, Buck & McCarver rants are passe. And neither is a truly odious announcer–unlike, say, Billy Packer. So instead of ranting, I’ll share my favorite Buck & McCarver memory. It was the 2001 LCS, and Arizona had just beaten St. Louis, with Tony Womack getting the game-winning hit. Our boys in the booth were interviewing Womack after the game. I can’t remember which one actually did the interview, but usually Buck handles those, so I’ll assume it was him [Reader Anthony insists it was McCarver; this matches my memory, too, but I saw some accounts online indicating it was Buck. The moral? Trust your memory over the series of tubes!]:

McCarver: Congratulations, Tony. Great performance and a big win.
Womack: Thanks, Tim.
(Womack gets a hug from a woman)
McCarver: Is that your mother?
Womack: That’s my wife, Tim.

Wade Boggs has long been known as one of the best hitters of his generation, as well as a man of many idiosyncrasies, the most famous of which may have been his habit of eating chicken before every game. Recently, however, a friend introduced me to an article detailing another of Boggs’ strange habits: drinking large amounts of Miller Lite. According to a couple of his former teammates, Boggs would drink somewhere in the neighborhood of 50-70 Miller Lites in the course of an ordinary East Coast to West Coast day of travel. Exaggerated or not, these stories indicate that Boggs loved beer as much as he loved chicken. This, of course, can bring to mind only one figure. It’s a shame Boggs played about twenty years too early for his perfect entry music.

Nevertheless, Boggs and Ludacris both appeared in this year’s Wrestlemania 23. What does that tell us? Despite considerable career earnings, they’re both still looking to make a little extra cash. What better way for them to do it–and for us to be entertained–than to send them out to Wing Domes, roadside barbecues, and sports bars nationwide to sample the chicken and beer and mingle with the locals. (Of course, Wade might have to expand his beer repertoire, but I think he could do it. And Miller Lite makes a great chaser.) It’d be low-cost TV–just a crew with a couple cameras and mics–no rides to pimp. And it’d be entertaining. Odd couples sell; it’s a proven fact. MTV, Food Channel, Discovery Channel execs: make it happen.

Just yesterday, I was introduced to the work of Choi Hoon, a Korean cartoonist whose strips poke fun at current happenings in major league baseball. U.S.S. Mariner commenter thefin190 posted a link to a recent strip he supposedly translated himself. I have no way of knowing whether the translation is accurate (or intended to be), but it’s certainly topical. In honor of Jeff Weaver’s 1st inning stinkbomb last night, and not in honor of John McLaren (Did Adam Jones sleep with his wife or something? Seriously, what’s the deal?), here’s the strip:

The notion of a fearsome, vengeful Super Mario as the voice of reckoning behind Bill Bavasi (or anyone else) cracks me up. I wonder if he and Luigi play good owner/bad owner to soften up their charges.

Anyway, you can find all his cartoons—or at least a lot of them—here. They’re not translated, but I think they’re almost more fun that way. I’ll leave you with this one of Ozzie Guillen, playing with boats in his bathtub:

Serbian basketball forward Darko Milicic’s recent post-game rant set me adrift on memory bliss. There have been so many great tantrums and tirades by our sporting entertainers over the years. Here I present my favorite ten (of those recorded and available on the Internet), which I shall call the ten greatest, if only to encourage debate. I’ve deliberately left off Mike Tyson, as his are a little too sad and disturbing for me to really enjoy. I’ve also omitted Phillip Wellman’s famous tantrum, as it seemed a bit calculated and playful, as well as the Jim Rome/Jim Everett debacle, for the same reasons. Be warned that the list contains NSFW/profane audio and text.

The Ten Greatest Sports Tantrums Available on the Internet

10. Mike Sanford

A top-notch sports tantrum can take many forms. Sanford decided to go the civil disobedience route after his UNLV Rebels football team lost to the Iowa State Cyclones. Sanford asserted (wrongly, as replays later showed) that a UNLV receiver had been inbounds when catching a potentially game-winning pass. Bringing Walden Pond to the breadbasket, Sanford stormed the field, telling his players “we’re not leaving” and demanding a meeting with the Iowa State athletic director. He may trip and stumble, but in the end he takes a principled stand. Here’s to you, Mike.

9. Lennox Lewis and Hasim Rahman

This one isn’t much to look at—a kiss-me-or-push-me moment of truth, a lot of awkward grappling, and some crashing into tables. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a clip containing the lead-up. But here’s what you need to know:

A few days before their fight, Lewis and Rahman were taping a promotional appearance on ESPN’s “Up Close and Personal” with Gary Miller. Referring to previous comments by Rahman, Miller asked Lewis, “Did Rahman question your sexuality?” Lewis ignored Miller and glared at Rahman. “Why you starting that gay stuff? I’m not gay. Why you call me gay?” Rahman replied that Lewis’ lawsuit to force a rematch between the two of them was a “gay move…I don’t know why he was offended.”

Declaring himself “100% women’s man,” Lewis offered to prove his assertion with Rahman’s sister. Rahman took offense. The rest is below:

8. Dennis Green

Following a loss in which his underdog Cardinals blew a big lead, Green offered his thoughts on their more ballyhooed opponent, the Chicago Bears. He’s like the middle school kid who had his lunch money taken and almost stood up to the big bad bully. Impotent Rage, thy name is Dennis Green. (Also, note the slight resemblance, at least in this clip, to The Family Guy’s Cleveland Brown.)

7. Jim Mora

Mora has had a number of highly-regarded postgame rants, but this is his most famous. Enjoy the polite qualifiers (In my opinion, that sucked) as well as the concluding Don Knotts/Barney Fife impression during the discussion of “playoffs.”

6. Lou Piniella (and other baseball tantrums we don’t get to hear)

It seems MLB has cracked down on game footage on YouTube, making it difficult to find some of Piniella’s best performances, but one of his 2002 outbursts can be found on this compilation. We see a strong performance by Lloyd McLendon, but Piniella is the real star. Nobody looks funnier throwing a base than Lou Piniella.

5. Darko Milicic

Darko received a $14k fine for this outburst, though it probably should’ve been a grounding instead. Gone are the frosted tips and gangly physique, but Darko remains ever the teenager. With Larry Brown but a distant memory, Darko takes aim at another authority figure, the refs.

4. Tommy Lasorda

Next up, a dugout argument between manager Tommy Lasorda and pitcher Doug Rau during Game 4 of the 1977 World Series. This speech may be considered the forefather of George Bush’s “I’m the Decider.” The incessant organ music in the background gives it an air of carnival fun!

3. Hal McRaeAn otherwise standard clubhouse tantrum, with a lot of profanity and throwing of random objects (note the reporter’s bleeding cheek—the result of being struck by the flying phone), McRae’s tirade is made special by his attire. His baseball pants and undershirt resemble a child’s pajamas—just one step up from a onesy.

2. Lee Elia

In 1983, Elia managed a talented but not quite mature Cubs team that finished the season under .500. The next year, they went on to win their division (before blowing a 2-0 series lead to San Diego in the NLCS—still painful to think about). But in April of ‘83, few could see the good things to come. Cub fans, frustrated by the team’s perennial losing, booed repeatedly during a 5-4 loss to the Dodgers that left the team’s record at 5-14. Meeting with reporters in the clubhouse after the game, Elia unleashed a tirade for the ages.

1. Earl WeaverOne of baseball’s all-time leader in ejections, Earl Weaver was a man before his time, engaging in the sort of rigorous statistical analysis that still eludes some managers today (see McLaren, John). Here he appears on The Manager’s Corner, his weekly radio show. I’m not sure whether it’s fair to classify this as a tantrum, but whatever it is, it deserves to be number one.

Taking some of the fun out of one of the summer’s most enjoyable baseball stories, The New York Daily News reports that St. Louis’ slugger and comeback kid Rick Ankiel received a one-year supply of HGH from a Florida pharmacy in 2004. (The league added HGH to its list of banned substances in 2005, after New Era expressed doubts about their ability to make hats that would fit Barry Bonds’ expanding noggin.)

You don’t make a 9 3/4″ hat yet

Ankiel, as you may recall, came up as a pitcher with St. Louis in 2000. Only 20 years old, he wowed the league with a high-90s fastball and sharp curve before suffering a mental breakdown in the playoffs and throwing five wild pitches in one inning. After numerous psychological struggles and injuries, he reinvented himself as a slugging outfielder, hitting 32 home runs in AAA ball this year before being called up to the majors, where he hit three home runs in his first three games and 9 in 81 at bats. This epically successful comeback led columnist Charles Krauthammer to dub him “The Natural,” after the protagonist in the famous baseball movie of the same name.

The nickname stuck for a while, though it’s unlikely to be used in any way but mockingly now. Which is a bit of a shame–HGH’d or not, Ankiel’s accomplishment is pretty amazing (even if his current pace is unsustainable). And, of course, he might have been totally clean for the last two or three years—or since the league banned the substance. We’ll never know, thanks to baseball’s anemic testing regimen. (Perhaps John McCain can try to resurrect his presidential campaign with some more grandstanding and Congressional time-wasting on the issue.)

Reacting to the story, Cardinals GM Walt Jocketty said, “If it’s true, obviously it would be very tragic.” Perhaps he’s been taking tips from Doug Christie’s PR people. It’d be nice to see an executive ease up on the hyperbole and serious-speak and just tell it like it is. It’s too bad The Dude doesn’t do press conferences: “Rick was on HGH? That’s a bummer, man. Next question?”