Congratulations, Red Sox “Nation”: it appears the wheels haven’t come off your bandwagon yet. With your newfound familiarity with the boys from Beantown, perhaps you could help me out with a tricky question.

When he was just coming out of college, back in 1998, I remember Sports Illustrated or ESPN publishing a piece on J.D. Drew in which he said he doesn’t dance because he considers it prohibited by his Christian faith. However, I’ve had a hard time confirming this online. Does anyone else remember this article (or remember seeing or hearing this elsewhere)? Is it still the case? And if it is, here’s my question: at what point does an elaborate high-five ritual or celebratory pigpile violate that prohibition?

Nobody puts Baby in a corner

From the people who brought you football robots…

Yeah, it sounds like a country club clothing brand, but it’s actually our October friends at Fox, the dudes in the booth who offer pithy observations after Fox adds sound effects when a player slides. Last night was my first real taste of this year’s magic, when Kevin Youkilis, playing first base, failed to catch a pick-off throw and McCarver said “I don’t think he even touched it with his glove! That ball just hit his ankle!” The replays–from multiple angles–showed the ball deflecting off of Youkilis’ glove, but McCarver remained steadfast.

Still, Buck & McCarver rants are passe. And neither is a truly odious announcer–unlike, say, Billy Packer. So instead of ranting, I’ll share my favorite Buck & McCarver memory. It was the 2001 LCS, and Arizona had just beaten St. Louis, with Tony Womack getting the game-winning hit. Our boys in the booth were interviewing Womack after the game. I can’t remember which one actually did the interview, but usually Buck handles those, so I’ll assume it was him [Reader Anthony insists it was McCarver; this matches my memory, too, but I saw some accounts online indicating it was Buck. The moral? Trust your memory over the series of tubes!]:

McCarver: Congratulations, Tony. Great performance and a big win.
Womack: Thanks, Tim.
(Womack gets a hug from a woman)
McCarver: Is that your mother?
Womack: That’s my wife, Tim.

Wade Boggs has long been known as one of the best hitters of his generation, as well as a man of many idiosyncrasies, the most famous of which may have been his habit of eating chicken before every game. Recently, however, a friend introduced me to an article detailing another of Boggs’ strange habits: drinking large amounts of Miller Lite. According to a couple of his former teammates, Boggs would drink somewhere in the neighborhood of 50-70 Miller Lites in the course of an ordinary East Coast to West Coast day of travel. Exaggerated or not, these stories indicate that Boggs loved beer as much as he loved chicken. This, of course, can bring to mind only one figure. It’s a shame Boggs played about twenty years too early for his perfect entry music.

Nevertheless, Boggs and Ludacris both appeared in this year’s Wrestlemania 23. What does that tell us? Despite considerable career earnings, they’re both still looking to make a little extra cash. What better way for them to do it–and for us to be entertained–than to send them out to Wing Domes, roadside barbecues, and sports bars nationwide to sample the chicken and beer and mingle with the locals. (Of course, Wade might have to expand his beer repertoire, but I think he could do it. And Miller Lite makes a great chaser.) It’d be low-cost TV–just a crew with a couple cameras and mics–no rides to pimp. And it’d be entertaining. Odd couples sell; it’s a proven fact. MTV, Food Channel, Discovery Channel execs: make it happen.

Just yesterday, I was introduced to the work of Choi Hoon, a Korean cartoonist whose strips poke fun at current happenings in major league baseball. U.S.S. Mariner commenter thefin190 posted a link to a recent strip he supposedly translated himself. I have no way of knowing whether the translation is accurate (or intended to be), but it’s certainly topical. In honor of Jeff Weaver’s 1st inning stinkbomb last night, and not in honor of John McLaren (Did Adam Jones sleep with his wife or something? Seriously, what’s the deal?), here’s the strip:

The notion of a fearsome, vengeful Super Mario as the voice of reckoning behind Bill Bavasi (or anyone else) cracks me up. I wonder if he and Luigi play good owner/bad owner to soften up their charges.

Anyway, you can find all his cartoons—or at least a lot of them—here. They’re not translated, but I think they’re almost more fun that way. I’ll leave you with this one of Ozzie Guillen, playing with boats in his bathtub:

Serbian basketball forward Darko Milicic’s recent post-game rant set me adrift on memory bliss. There have been so many great tantrums and tirades by our sporting entertainers over the years. Here I present my favorite ten (of those recorded and available on the Internet), which I shall call the ten greatest, if only to encourage debate. I’ve deliberately left off Mike Tyson, as his are a little too sad and disturbing for me to really enjoy. I’ve also omitted Phillip Wellman’s famous tantrum, as it seemed a bit calculated and playful, as well as the Jim Rome/Jim Everett debacle, for the same reasons. Be warned that the list contains NSFW/profane audio and text.

The Ten Greatest Sports Tantrums Available on the Internet

10. Mike Sanford

A top-notch sports tantrum can take many forms. Sanford decided to go the civil disobedience route after his UNLV Rebels football team lost to the Iowa State Cyclones. Sanford asserted (wrongly, as replays later showed) that a UNLV receiver had been inbounds when catching a potentially game-winning pass. Bringing Walden Pond to the breadbasket, Sanford stormed the field, telling his players “we’re not leaving” and demanding a meeting with the Iowa State athletic director. He may trip and stumble, but in the end he takes a principled stand. Here’s to you, Mike.

9. Lennox Lewis and Hasim Rahman

This one isn’t much to look at—a kiss-me-or-push-me moment of truth, a lot of awkward grappling, and some crashing into tables. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a clip containing the lead-up. But here’s what you need to know:

A few days before their fight, Lewis and Rahman were taping a promotional appearance on ESPN’s “Up Close and Personal” with Gary Miller. Referring to previous comments by Rahman, Miller asked Lewis, “Did Rahman question your sexuality?” Lewis ignored Miller and glared at Rahman. “Why you starting that gay stuff? I’m not gay. Why you call me gay?” Rahman replied that Lewis’ lawsuit to force a rematch between the two of them was a “gay move…I don’t know why he was offended.”

Declaring himself “100% women’s man,” Lewis offered to prove his assertion with Rahman’s sister. Rahman took offense. The rest is below:

8. Dennis Green

Following a loss in which his underdog Cardinals blew a big lead, Green offered his thoughts on their more ballyhooed opponent, the Chicago Bears. He’s like the middle school kid who had his lunch money taken and almost stood up to the big bad bully. Impotent Rage, thy name is Dennis Green. (Also, note the slight resemblance, at least in this clip, to The Family Guy’s Cleveland Brown.)

7. Jim Mora

Mora has had a number of highly-regarded postgame rants, but this is his most famous. Enjoy the polite qualifiers (In my opinion, that sucked) as well as the concluding Don Knotts/Barney Fife impression during the discussion of “playoffs.”

6. Lou Piniella (and other baseball tantrums we don’t get to hear)

It seems MLB has cracked down on game footage on YouTube, making it difficult to find some of Piniella’s best performances, but one of his 2002 outbursts can be found on this compilation. We see a strong performance by Lloyd McLendon, but Piniella is the real star. Nobody looks funnier throwing a base than Lou Piniella.

5. Darko Milicic

Darko received a $14k fine for this outburst, though it probably should’ve been a grounding instead. Gone are the frosted tips and gangly physique, but Darko remains ever the teenager. With Larry Brown but a distant memory, Darko takes aim at another authority figure, the refs.

4. Tommy Lasorda

Next up, a dugout argument between manager Tommy Lasorda and pitcher Doug Rau during Game 4 of the 1977 World Series. This speech may be considered the forefather of George Bush’s “I’m the Decider.” The incessant organ music in the background gives it an air of carnival fun!

3. Hal McRaeAn otherwise standard clubhouse tantrum, with a lot of profanity and throwing of random objects (note the reporter’s bleeding cheek—the result of being struck by the flying phone), McRae’s tirade is made special by his attire. His baseball pants and undershirt resemble a child’s pajamas—just one step up from a onesy.

2. Lee Elia

In 1983, Elia managed a talented but not quite mature Cubs team that finished the season under .500. The next year, they went on to win their division (before blowing a 2-0 series lead to San Diego in the NLCS—still painful to think about). But in April of ‘83, few could see the good things to come. Cub fans, frustrated by the team’s perennial losing, booed repeatedly during a 5-4 loss to the Dodgers that left the team’s record at 5-14. Meeting with reporters in the clubhouse after the game, Elia unleashed a tirade for the ages.

1. Earl WeaverOne of baseball’s all-time leader in ejections, Earl Weaver was a man before his time, engaging in the sort of rigorous statistical analysis that still eludes some managers today (see McLaren, John). Here he appears on The Manager’s Corner, his weekly radio show. I’m not sure whether it’s fair to classify this as a tantrum, but whatever it is, it deserves to be number one.

Taking some of the fun out of one of the summer’s most enjoyable baseball stories, The New York Daily News reports that St. Louis’ slugger and comeback kid Rick Ankiel received a one-year supply of HGH from a Florida pharmacy in 2004. (The league added HGH to its list of banned substances in 2005, after New Era expressed doubts about their ability to make hats that would fit Barry Bonds’ expanding noggin.)

You don’t make a 9 3/4″ hat yet

Ankiel, as you may recall, came up as a pitcher with St. Louis in 2000. Only 20 years old, he wowed the league with a high-90s fastball and sharp curve before suffering a mental breakdown in the playoffs and throwing five wild pitches in one inning. After numerous psychological struggles and injuries, he reinvented himself as a slugging outfielder, hitting 32 home runs in AAA ball this year before being called up to the majors, where he hit three home runs in his first three games and 9 in 81 at bats. This epically successful comeback led columnist Charles Krauthammer to dub him “The Natural,” after the protagonist in the famous baseball movie of the same name.

The nickname stuck for a while, though it’s unlikely to be used in any way but mockingly now. Which is a bit of a shame–HGH’d or not, Ankiel’s accomplishment is pretty amazing (even if his current pace is unsustainable). And, of course, he might have been totally clean for the last two or three years—or since the league banned the substance. We’ll never know, thanks to baseball’s anemic testing regimen. (Perhaps John McCain can try to resurrect his presidential campaign with some more grandstanding and Congressional time-wasting on the issue.)

Reacting to the story, Cardinals GM Walt Jocketty said, “If it’s true, obviously it would be very tragic.” Perhaps he’s been taking tips from Doug Christie’s PR people. It’d be nice to see an executive ease up on the hyperbole and serious-speak and just tell it like it is. It’s too bad The Dude doesn’t do press conferences: “Rick was on HGH? That’s a bummer, man. Next question?”

Rick White, once again, with the game on the line and a well-rested Putz in the ‘pen? You’re doing a heckuva job, Johnny.

1977 The year of my birth, an early ditty by The Clash, and a recent day at the ballpark. Indeed, Sunday was “Turn Back the Clock Day” at Seattle’s Safeco Field, wherein the Baseball Gods (or at least those savvy capitalists at MLB) transplanted us to that magical year when a cardiganed Carter lectured on energy policy and Officers Francis Poncherello and Jon Baker first patrolled California’s highways on CHiPs.

In addition to providing free hats to the first 20,000 fans, the promoters got Erik Estrada—”Ponch” himself—to ride his motorcycle, throw out the first pitch, and rub elbows with the fans in a meet-and-greet autograph session. (Any guesses on what that cost for the afternoon? I’ll go with $5,000.) Ponch’s smile was as wide and white as ever, charming nostalgists and newbies alike. ‘Twas like a scene penned by June Carter when he mounted his trusty motorbike and the flashbulbs popped ’round him in a ring of fire.

I was too late (and the line too long) to achieve an audience with Ponch, but I managed to squeeze in some photo-ops nonetheless.

Note the vintage Mariners’ jersey worn by Estrada and the free cap by the author

The game featured many lead changes and, appropriately, a stirring comeback by the Mariners—clad in their ‘77 unis—for the win.

Can the Land Shark sink his teeth into an OPS above .700?

Last October, at my cousin Jennifer’s wedding reception, I had the pleasure of seeing my Uncle Louie dance. His physique resembles Vincent Vega’s (plus a few pounds), but his twist is without comparison. I was left in disbelief at his grace and the fact that he and I are related.

Where is this anecdote going, you ask?

Well, when the 7th-inning stretch arrived and the P.A. system began playing “Louie Louie”, I thought of my rug-cutting uncle and decided to give his moves a try. While I failed even to approach his rhythmic grace (it may have looked more like the robot than the twist), I did attract the attention of whoever decides what to show on the big screen. Thus, a stadium full of fans was treated to an extended session of this.

To cleanse your palate of that awkwardness, I leave you with the contrastingly suave Ponch, as featured in a 1977 promotional trailer for CHiPs. Enjoy!