Dick-Cheney-as-creepy-angel photograph courtesy of Fox News

Monday, October 8th
Lynne Cheney continues her work on the press circuit to promote Blue Skies, No Fences, her recently released memoir of her childhood in Casper, Wyoming.

Guantanamo detainee listens to Blue Skies on audio book.

Pitch for sequel: Casper goes to Guantanamo, finds fences, doesn’t come back.

Tuesday, October 9th
Clarence Thomas writes that if Lynne Cheney’s book outsells his, he will “stop writing books, sleeping on the bench, and pubicizing my disputes.” His editor declines to add a [sic].

Thursday, October 11th
Dick Cheney poses for a Fox News profile of him in one of his vintage Inquisitionist robes.

“The robe reminds me of the debt I owe my forebears,” explains Cheney. “It keeps me humble.”

Saturday, October 13th
Baghdadis flock to the Al-Zawraa zoo to celebrate the Eid al-Fitr holiday. At midday, the festivities are interrupted by gunfire. Afterward, a young Iraqi boy is overheard asking his father, “where were those big American elephants that always talk about how we’re so important?”
“They just say that,” responded his father. “They don’t actually come here.”
Both are then shot by Blackwater Security guards.

Monday, October 1st
-After hearing rumors, David Addington has to remind Dick Cheney that extraordinary rendition is strictly prohibited by the bylaws of their fantasy football league. “I understand,” says Cheney. “Here, have one of these.”
“No, Dick. That’s a roofie.”

Tuesday, October 2nd
-Blackwater Security head Erik “Colonel Jessup” Prince testifies before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform. At issue: Blackwater guards—whether they are reckless; the truth—whether you can handle it.
“You’re goddamn right I ordered the code red!” He shouts. “And instead I got a fucking SURGE!”

Wednesday, October 3rd
-The press is not invited to the private ceremony as Bush vetoes the bill to expand the Children’s Health Insurance Program. To quell their resulting arousal, and to avoid having their purchases scrutinized by the GAO, Cheney and Addington extraordinarly render some escorts.
-Alberto Gonzales can’t remember whether he fed the cats.

Thursday, October 4th
-The New York Times reports that the Justice Department issued a secret endorsement of the CIA’s harshest interrogation techniques. People pretend to be surprised.
-Dick Cheney issues an executive legislative order that all future legal opinions be written on Etch-a-Sketch.

Friday, October 5th
-”Super” David Petraeus meets with a representative of the mushroom people to plan their liberation.

Monday, September 24th

-Dick Cheney, David Addington, Condi Rice, Dana Perino, David Petraeus, and a visiting Karl Rove sit at the White House Cafeteria’s “cool” lunch table.
“Hey guys,” says Cheney. “What’s black and gets a fair shake in the Bush Administration?”
“Hmmm,” says Perino.
“Latinos!” Rove answers eagerly.
Cheney shakes his head.
“Schoolchildren?” Guesses Perino.
Cheney shakes his head again.
“Things are looking much better in the Anbar Province,” says Petraeus.
Addington can’t contain his laughter. “Trick question!” He shouts. “Nobody!”
“No, no,” says Cheney. “The answer is at this table.”
“Uh, can we talk about Iran, guys?” Asks an uneasy Condi.
“Condi Rice!” Shouts Petraeus, eager to get it right.
Cheney laughs and reaches for the cylinder before them. “You’re all wrong! It’s the pepper dispenser!”
Addington and Cheney laugh and high-five.
“I still think it was Latinos,” says Rove.
Petraeus pushes his tray to the side. “Can I go back to the Green Zone now?”

Tuesday, September 25th

-Current Ranger owner Tom Hicks calls George Bush for advice regarding some difficulties he’s having with the team. The fans are upset; it’s been another year of not meeting goals, while the Rangers continue to pay for the Alex Rodriguez mistake. “We always said we’d measure our success in September,” Hicks explains.

Bush isn’t rattled. “Push it back,” he says. “Tell them you can’t evaluate until Spring Training.”

“How will I do that?” Asks Hicks. “I’ve already told them we’d evaluate in September.”

The President carries the rest of the conversation. “You wanna borrow Petraeus? Seriously, we don’t need him…No, the Green Zone’s really just a little box on my desk…Yes, he’s a very small man. Tiny, really.”

Wednesday, September 26th

-Bush and the English language file for divorce, citing “irreconcilable use of subject and verb.”

Thursday, September 27th

-The State Department holds a climate change summit, inviting the world’s top polluters to discuss strategies to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. The U.S. takes the position that any such measures must be voluntary. Cheney and Addington sit in the back, giggling and making “age of consent” jokes.

Friday, September 28th

-General Petraeus is crying himself to sleep in the little box. “I didn’t betray anybody,” he sniffles.
“I know you didn’t, General,” says the President. “There there.”
He closes the lid.

Monday, September 17th
-The Hill reports that Dick Cheney has nothing to hide.

Tuesday, September 18th
-White House IT staffers hide in the cafeteria kitchen as an angry Dick Cheney stalks the grounds. His fantasy football team is in last place, despite the tap on Dungy’s phone, and an e-mail he received proposing a trade was permanently deleted, per White House protocol. “I tell you when to permanently delete e-mails,” he grumbles.

Wednesday, September 19th
-Dana Perino realizes that tomorrow is News Conference day, where in one hour an unscripted president will make her next week hell. Wearily, she dials her pharmacist. “Yes, Xanex…Do you have, um, extra strength?”

Thursday, September 20th
-The President warns the Senate and House that he will veto legislation to extend the Children’s Health Insurance Program to cover more uninsured children. Dick Cheney leans forward to hide his growing erection and high-fives his man Addington. “Let them have lunch…OR NOT!” Laughter all around.
-Asked about potential political leaders in Iraq, the president declares “Nelson Mandela is dead. Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas.” Dick Cheney hears the name and nudges Addington. “Mandela was a terrorist,” he whispers.
“He’s still alive,” replies Addington. Cheney mentally adds name to “People to Extraordinarily Render” list.

Friday, September 21st
-Warring Headlines:
San Francisco Chronicle: Bush Asks Dems for Cheaper Health Plan
Kansas City Star: Bush Will Ask for a Big Boost in War Funds
Dana Perino’s Diary: Dick Cheney Scares Me
-The World Health Organization reports an outbreak of cholera in Baghdad. The President gets a call from his father and Bill Clinton. “We’re gonna rent an aircraft carrier,” they tell him. “This is our mission accomplished moment!”

Monday, September 10th
General Petraeus testifies before the Senate.

Tuesday, September 11th
The Washington Post reports that Col. Pete Devlin, the Chief of Intelligence for the Marine Corps, filed a secret report describing the situation in the Anbar Province as dire and beyond the potential for improvement. Summarizing the report, one Army officer said, “we have been defeated politically—and that’s where wars are won and lost.”

Wednesday, September 12th
The Los Angeles Times reports that the United States has secretly been negotiating with Shiite cleric Muqtada Al-Sadr’s Mahdi Army, the fearsome militia that made Fallujah such a hornet’s nest for U.S. troops. Their demand? A starring role for their leader in the next Matrix movie.

Thursday, September 13th
In his speech on Iraq, Bush says “Anbar Province is a good example of how our strategy is working.”

Friday, September 14th
Catching up on the week’s sports news and his fantasy football lineup, Dick Cheney reads of Bill Belichick’s troubles. “Send him a signed waterboard,” he tells his secretary. “Put a ‘Patriot Act’ pun in the note and be sure to let him know we’ve got a tap on Dungy’s phone.”

Friday, August 31st
-Tony Snow gets an early start on the Labor Day celebration of the American working man and woman by announcing his resignation from the position of White House press secretary, stating that his salary of $168,000 just wasn’t cutting it. “Like my friend Latrell, I’ve got a family to feed.”
-His replacement, Dana Perino, gears up for her new responsibilities. The woman who receives 600 e-mails a day is about to get a lot busier. The White House IT department hurries to prepare itself. “That’s a lot of e-mails we have to make sure are deleted permanently,” explains an insider.

Tuesday, September 4th
-Looking to get a leg up on his fantasy football competition, Dick Cheney orders a wiretap on the phone of Indianapolis Colts’ coach Tony Dungy. Cheney’s chief of staff, David “One Bomb Away” Addington, notices the request and asks Cheney what it’s about. “I gotta see how much he’s going to use Addai,” says Cheney, referring to the Colts’ star running back. “If they’re going to the air, I’ll sit him.”
“The air?” Replies Addington. “Addai? With a name like that, he should be on the no-fly list!” They share a laugh.
-”Kicking ass” joins “heckuva job” on the list of superlative phrases that can no longer be used without sounding insincere. (No word on whether “taking names” was tainted as well.)

Thursday, September 6th
-Basking in the glow of his many successes, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales addresses the Coast Guard Academy. On the subject of the Guantanamo Bay detention camps, he says, “Never before in our nation’s history have we given such robust protection to combatants picked up on the field of battle.”

Barbed wire fences, camp counselors protect X-Ray detainees from wild bears.

Earmuffs, goggles are “like a v-chips for people,” explains Gonzales. “It’s truly ’see no evil, hear no evil.’”

Friday, September 7th
-General Petraeus writes a letter to American forces in Iraq. “Sectarian violence continues…albeit at considerably reduced levels of [sic] 8 months ago…In fact, the number of attacks across the country has declined 8 of the past 11 weeks.” The kicker: Shiite-on Shiite attacks, Sunni-on-Sunni attacks, and car bombings don’t count as sectarian violence.

General Motors is considering a recall of their Baghdad shipment, citing a tendency of many of the models to spontaneously combust.

Another big week, another big departure. They’re dropping like flies at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Fortunately for our President, there’s plenty of you-know-what around to attract some more. Without further ado:

Monday, August 27
-Dick Cheney sees Superbad, smirks repeatedly.
-The press catches wind of Alberto Gonzales’ departure. Feeling sentimental after watching the retrospectives on his tenure, Gonzales decides to put together a scrapbook to preserve the good memories. Here’s an excerpt:

Halloween, 2005: Me as a public servant and Sandra as a giant pilgrim!

Tuesday, August 28
-The US Census Bureau reports that the rate of uninsured American adults and children jumped in 2006. Dick Cheney googles “priapism”.
-The Associated Press reports that Army is widening their investigations of waste, fraud, and abuse in contracts in Iraq and Afghanistan, including those held by Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg, Brown, and Root. Bush’s advisers rebuff his suggestion that Gonzales oversee the investigation. “What about Brownie?” “No, sir, he won’t do either.” After much haggling, they settle on Thomas White.
-Cheney: Send Thomas White a bottle of scotch and a pair of concrete shoes with the note “Thomas, I hope you don’t have to wear them. Dick.”
Aide: We can’t do that, sir. That would be illegal.
Cheney: GODDAMNIT, THAT’S HOW I ROLL!!
Cheney receives a shock from his pacemaker.

Wednesday, August 29th
-Al Gonzales and Karl Rove play Edward 40-hands in the Rose Garden. Before passing out, they engage in a little bonding.

KARL: What are we gonna do, Gonzo?
AL: If you’ll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal.
KARL: We are sooo gonna end up at the Carlyle Group.
AL: Fuckin’ A.

Thursday, August 30th
-General Petraeus reports from the Green Zone that the surge is working.

The General flashes that winning Green Zone grin.

Petraeus watches grass grow, surge work. Secretary Gates wonders why he accepted the nomination.

Friday, August 31
Karl Rove’s last day as White House deputy chief of staff. Feeling sly, he attempts to make off with the Golden Tee game from the Lincoln Bedroom, wheeling it out on a dolly. Cheney catches him and slaps him across the face. The Vice President then pulls out his heart rate monitor. “See,” he says. “It didn’t even go up.”

This week, I take a behind-the-scenes look, showing the men of the executive branch in their unguarded moments. As you’ll see, life in the corridors of power isn’t all hard work and agonizing decisions.

Monday, August 20th
-Suffering from short-timer syndrome, Karl Rove boasts that he has now recorded the top five scores on the Big Buck Hunter Pro in the mini-arcade in the Lincoln bedroom. Upon hearing Rove’s boast, Dick Cheney smirks. He joins Rove for a two-player game and his hunter shoots Rove’s in the face.

Tuesday, August 21st
-Cheney: Hey Karl, what do you get when you adopt standards to prevent states from extending the CHIP program to cover more children?
(Rove looks back from game of Golden Tee, shrugs)
Cheney: A boner!

Wednesday, August 22nd
-The Texas Rangers, formerly partially-owned by the President, score 30 runs in a game, the most in the modern era. The President is elated. He receives his weekly call from General Petraeus. “How ’bout them Rangers?” Bush asks, jovially. Petraeus launches into a detailed explanation of special forces operations in the Al-Anbar province. Bush loses interest, passes the phone to Cheney.
-The President delivers a speech defending the American presence in Iraq by likening it to the American presence in Vietnam in the 60s and 70s. Before Bush can finish his assertion that US withdrawal from Vietnam led to the rise of Pol Pot and the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia, Tony Snow has snuck out the back door. He brushes aside aides who remind him of his duties to the President, yelling “Tell him I have cancer!”

Thursday, August 23rd
-Looking for lessons on how to defeat insurgents, win hearts and minds, Bush watches American movies set in the Vietnam War.
-Petraeus, Joint Chiefs reject Bush’s suggested Surge title, “Operation Rambo Drop.”

Friday, August 24th
-Petraeus threatens to quit if asked one more time, “What are we doing about this Jason Bourne?”
-The President, lately a scholar in history, ruins the screen of his laptop when highlighting “1215 - Pope Innocent III declares Magna Carta invalid” on wikipedia “This Day in History” page.

In all likelihood, “This Week in the Bush Administration” won’t be a regular feature here. And, thankfully, it doesn’t have the potential for an unlimited run. But a turd blossom hit the fan on Monday, so I figured we ought to take a look.

Monday, August 13th:
-Karl Rove announces he will resign as White House deputy chief of staff, effective September 1st.
-Slate’s John Dickerson publishes an article entitled “Spinner Emeritus: Karl Rove’s Next Job”.
-Prompted by Dickerson’s article, and looking to earn a little spending money before the ‘08 races, Rove decides he might teach for a semester. He searches craigslist for positions.

Tuesday, August 14th
-Rove isn’t the only one ready for a new challenge. The L.A. Times reports a new job responsibility for Alberto Gonzales. Having demonstrated exemplary skills in the termination of employees’ contracts, the Attorney General has been promoted to overseeing the termination of human beings. (Thanks, Patriot Act!)
-Stephen Hawking reads the LA Times story and gives up on finding a Theory of Everything.

Wednesday, August 15th
-Rove answers craigslist ad. After a quick exchange, he accepts the position, which begins on Friday. “Emeritus, my ass” he thinks. “I’ve still got it. Nobody spins like I do.”

Thursday, August 16th
-Tony Snow equivocates.

Friday, August 17th
-Patrons of the Greater DC YMCA are angry that their spin instructor does not have a workout planned for them. What’s more, he appears to be in poor physical condition. They leave the class and demand a refund.
-Rove is left alone in the room to stare at a row of unoccupied cycles. Things just haven’t gone right since those midterms.

One is the loneliest number, Karl.