Do you think America’s health care system is a mess? Do you think private insurers look to maximize profits by denying coverage and care? Do you make videos?

Unleash your inner Michael Moore/Erroll Morris/Jason Reid and win $1,000 by making a one-minute (or less) video on the bad behavior of America’s private insurers. The Northwest Federation of Community Organizations (NWFCO) is holding the contest as part of their Sick Profits campaign. I was an intern with NWFCO for a summer and can attest that they do really good work.

Contest guidelines are here.

Contest YouTube page is here.

Under fire for allegedly injecting Guantanamo detainees with mind-altering substances to coerce confessions, Department of Defense officials blamed Houston Astros shortstop Miguel Tejada, who they said provided them with syringes supposedly filled with B-12 vitamins.

“You’ll have to ask Migs about that,” said Navy Commander J.D. Gordon, a Pentagon Spokesperson. “He already lied to us about his age. We feel betrayed.”

Tejada’s agent declined to comment and suggested that media contact Berkeley professor and former Department of Justice attorney John C. Yoo, whose infamous memo held that the U.S. can use drugs on prisoners.

A phone message left with Professor Yoo went unanswered, but an administrative official at Berkeley Law School explained that the Professor was on a retreat with Erik Prince, Skeletor, and the ghosts of Heinrich Himmler and J. Edgar Hoover. He is due back next week.

The whole hubbub has not gone unnoticed by Congress; Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter has vowed to hold hearings. “I find it very troubling that Miguel Tejada lied about his age,” said the Senator.

If you haven’t checked it out yet, here’s my article from this week’s Weekly on Yale Lewis, George Clinton’s lawyer. You can pick up a copy of the print edition until tomorrow morning, when the next issue comes out.

I also recommend this video by my friend Patrick on the recently deceased photojournalist Dith Pran, who survived the Khmer Rouge and coined the term “Killing Fields.”

Finally, while Pran had the talent, determination, and luck to make it out of Cambodia, turn his experiences into a career, and help educate the world, he’s obviously the exception. I wonder what will happen to this guy. I can’t imagine being anything but indefinitely homicidally pissed after an experience like that. God bless America.

One day after the airing of the last episode of The Wire–the topical urban TV drama in which nearly every idealistic reformer is either undone by his/her personal demons or is corrupted by the quest for power–New York’s Eliot Spitzer sees his political career potentially torpedoed by his patronage of a prostitution ring. For those who don’t recall, Spitzer’s ascendence was due largely to his image as an ethically-beyond-reproach Attorney General. With the help of “more powerful prosecutorial tools than any official in the country“, he took on and bested huge, influence-wielding industries (insurers, investment bankers), getting himself named “Crusader of the Year” and “the people’s champion” by Time Magazine in 2002.

Now, just like [insert idealistic Wire character here], it appears his quest to change the world may be largely done.

Yesterday, Senator Arlen Specter (R, PA) appeared at a news conference to tell the world that New England Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick had been “illegally” videotaping other teams’ signal communications since 2000.

“We have a right to have honest football games,” said Specter.

On Tuesday, that same Senator Specter had a chance to vote for an amendment to the amended Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA). The Amendment would strip the Act’s provision of immunity to telecom companies that allowed the National Security Agency to monitor customers’ electronic communications without a warrant. One of these companies is already being sued. Senator Specter voted against the Amendment, but neglected to call a press conference to discuss it. (An avowed opponent of waterboarding, Senator Specter also voted yesterday against a measure that would prohibit waterboarding.)

If you’re wondering why Senator Specter voted against the immunity-stripping Amendment, you can have a look at the statute under which the companies might be liable here; the statute that some (wrongly) say justifies the wiretaps here; and the amendment itself (along with a handy roll call) here. You can find something called the Fourth Amendment here. And you can read about his proposed blame-the-taxpayers compromise here.

As for the rules that Specter alleges Bellichick broke for seven years, they’re in the NFL’s “Game Operations Manual.” You know, the one they taught you about in your high school civics class. As far as I can tell, you can’t find it online. I wonder why.

We have a right to honest football games.

Fraudulent transactions by a trader named Jerome Kerviel have cost one of France’s biggest banks, Societe Generale, $7.1 billion (4.9 billion euros), and Kerviel is now on the lam. According to the story in the New York Times:

The trader “had taken massive fraudulent directional positions in 2007 and 2008 far beyond his limited authority,” the bank said.

“Aided by his in-depth knowledge of the control procedures resulting from his former employment in the middle office, he managed to conceal these positions through a scheme of elaborate fictitious transactions.”

Initially, it reminds of the individual con man movies like The Hoax and Catch Me if You Can, but this quote–”one person could engineer it, but how could one person finance it?”–from a bank’s chief executive hints at a high-finance Ocean’s Eleven.

Who says torture can’t be funny?

Monday, December 10th
-The Justice Department defends its failure to investigate the allegations of a former Halliburton/KRB employee that she was gang-raped, blackmailed, and imprisoned by her co-workers. Says a Justice Department Spokesperson: “Halliburton told us it was just exploratory drilling.”
-In what may have been an underhanded attempt to dissuade voters from supporting government-sponsored health insurance, two nurses unions publish an ad stating that, without his government-sponsored health insurance, Dick Cheney would likely be dead of heart troubles by now.
-Cheney responds with his own ad against logging restrictions, water shortages, without which “I’d subject every one of those bitches to the non-torturous sensation of drowning.”

Tuesday, December 11th
-A special investigation reveals that Harry Reid’s “boxing” history consisted of a three-month stint as a stock boy at UPS.

Wednesday, December 12th
-Dick Cheney’s sex life heats up with another Bush veto of a children’s health insurance bill. “It’s like Valentine’s Day in December,” quips a flushed Lynne.

Thursday, December 13th
-Dick Cheney visits Harry Reid on the Senate floor to deliver him a copy of the FISA bill the administration would like him to push. Reid solemnly receives the manila envelope. “Thank you, sir,” he says.
“Is that all?” Asks an incredulous Cheney.
Harry Reid looks around the floor, noting that many of his colleagues are in earshot. “Oh, come on.”
Cheney continues to stare at him and snarl.
“Okay, fine,” says Reid. “May I have another?”

Friday, December 14th
Attorney General Michael Mukasey refuses to turn over information on the Justice Department’s alleged investigation into the destruction of CIA interrogation tapes. “I am independent,” he asserts, echoing the talking points the Bush Administration provided media outlets during his confirmation process. “I have the balls to stand up to anyone. I myself would stand up and show them to you, but I—rather, they, are occupied in the mouths of Charles Schumer and Dianne Feinstein.” For the first time in his public career, Schumer is rendered speechless, emitting only a muffled, talcum-y hum.
-GOP Senators block a House bill (known as “Geneva 2″) banning uses of torture in CIA interrogations. A staff member for Lindsey Graham explains that “Cheney sent out a new memo specifically prohibiting cockblocking,” which would be among this ban’s unintended effects. “When the waterboards dry up, so does Lynn,” wrote Cheney.

The Mitchell report is out.

Monday, December 3rd
-The new National Intelligence Estimate on Iran reports that that country is not currently pursuing a nuclear weapons program. After having worked so hard to drum up a war and having had his way with the intelligence community in the past, Dick Cheney is distressed. “It’s like expecting a kid’s gonna go hungry,” he explains, “and then finding out not only is he going to get a lunch, but your tax dollars are going to pay for it!”

Wednesday, December 5th
-Watchdog group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington reports that the White House deleted over ten million e-mails, more than double the previous estimates. However, using cutting edge new technologies, our intrepid reporter managed to salvage one from Dick Cheney’s inbox:

From: Jonah Goldberg <jonah@armchairwarrior.com>
To: Vice President Cheney <constitution_this@aol.com>
Date: November 1, 2007 11:45 AM
Subject: Fwd: 0stoke

From: Chap Landman <landmanymhlq@grundschule-niedersessmar.de>
To: jonah@armchairwarrior.com
Date: November 1, 2007 11:43 AM
Subject: 0stoke

hey spagetti dick, you can have salami stick now, its simple statistics show more men are enlarging, what are you waiting for?
bomb iran!

Thursday, December 6th
CIA Director Michael Hayden confesses that the agency destroyed tapes of the interrogation of “War on Terror” detainees, including Jose Padilla. It is widely suspected that the tapes contained the application of torture methods.

-Asked to comment, Chuck Schumer says, “The destruction of the tapes was another instance of this administration’s ‘catch me if you can’ disregard for international treaties and diplomacy. I support the CIA fully in its decision.”
Nancy Pelosi chimes in with an amen: “I’ve known about waterboarding since 2002,” she explains. “I was just waiting for the opportunity to pantomime indignation. You can ask my staff: I’ve been working on my ‘This troubles me and I want answers’ face for years!”
John Rockefeller is asked to comment but indicates through a spokesperson that it would be impolite to speak with a mouthful of telecom industry cock.

-The White House refuses to comment on the The Justice Department’s investigation of the tapes’ destruction. “How can we?” asks Dana Perino. “I mean, it would be, like, unethical. Plus the Vice President gets a boner when we talk about torture, and that doesn’t make for good TV.”

Friday, December 7th
-Sheldon Whitehouse takes the Senate floor to describe the highly classified opinions he examined from the Department of Justice Office of Legal Counsel. The opinions held, among other things, that the President is not bound by previous executive orders and that, under Article II of the Constitution, he determines what is or is not a lawful action.

The President’s phone rings. It’s Hugo Chavez.
“Hey there, you lazy oligarch douche bag. I see you finally took my advice.”
“You’re goddamned right, you oil-slicked, commie devil.”
“Keep it up and we’ll be in these gigs forever.”
“Nobody said we ain’t lucky bastards.”
“Fuckin’ A. Look for me on TV tomorrow, calling you a tyrant.”
“Same here, buddy.”

Sunday, December 9th
-The Associated Press reports that Alberto Gonzales received a $1,000 - $1,500 Cartier watch from the Attorney General of Qatar, the only gift received by the Justice Department last year. The watch came with the following note:

Thanks for all the good times and enemy combatants. It’s been an extraordinary two years. You’re a great attorney, and nothing your opponents can gurgle will convince me otherwise.

PS—I wish you could’ve been there when we put the electrodes on that guy’s balls. It was awesome.
PPS—Tell Addington thanks and that his “Geneva Conventions” towels are on their way.

-A CIA insider drops a bombshell. “The tapes,” he tells our intrepid reporter, “weren’t actually destroyed.” His voice lowers to a whisper. “Dick Cheney has them. He watches them when he jerks off.”

We invite you to play our new, can’t-lose holiday game: Where’s Douche Bag?

Monday, November 26th
-New investigations reveal that, despite its criticisms of US treatment of Guantanamo prisoners, Spain allowed US planes to use its airports to transport rendered suspects to Guantanamo. Upon hearing the news, Congressional Democrats invite the Spanish Socialist Workers Party to be honorary Democrats. “You know, sometimes you forget, with national boundaries, how much we have in common,” explains Dianne Feinstein. “But they’re just like us.”

Friday, November 30th
-The Washington Post reports that White House Special Counsel Scott Bloch confesses to having wiped his hard drive of all files relating to his investigation of Karl Rove and says he won’t be providing his copies of the files either.

As another article explains: Following the revelation of the computer wipes, federal investigators have requested Bloch turn over copies of personal files that he saved to his America Online account before his hard disk was scrubbed. Bloch has refused, saying the data…don’t involve his official work.

Why ask Bloch when you could go straight to America Online, right, Dianne? I mean, we don’t even need a warrant, do we, Chuck?

Sunday, December 2nd
-The New York Times reports that lawlessness has hit new highs in Baghdad, with people bribing and stealing at unprecendented levels. (Iraq is now considered the world’s third most corrupt country.) The article runs with a picture of a car wash business that was created by rerouting the water from public pipes. Told of the news, President Bush isn’t worried. “This just shows the Iraqi people’s desire for a free market system in which private initiative, rather than public bureaucracy, drives the distribution of key goods and services.”
-Newsweek reports that Condoleezza Rice will invite Paul Wolfowitz to head the International Security Advisory Board. Wolfowitz will replace Fred Thompson, who was fired for being a corpse. After extending her offer, Condi let Wolfowitz know that the position comes with limits. “You’ve got to promise me you won’t mess this up by trying to throw money at people you fucked,” she told him, in an obvious reference to his early departure from the World Bank. “Unless, of course, it’s Iraq.”