Dick-Cheney-as-creepy-angel photograph courtesy of Fox News

Monday, October 8th
Lynne Cheney continues her work on the press circuit to promote Blue Skies, No Fences, her recently released memoir of her childhood in Casper, Wyoming.

Guantanamo detainee listens to Blue Skies on audio book.

Pitch for sequel: Casper goes to Guantanamo, finds fences, doesn’t come back.

Tuesday, October 9th
Clarence Thomas writes that if Lynne Cheney’s book outsells his, he will “stop writing books, sleeping on the bench, and pubicizing my disputes.” His editor declines to add a [sic].

Thursday, October 11th
Dick Cheney poses for a Fox News profile of him in one of his vintage Inquisitionist robes.

“The robe reminds me of the debt I owe my forebears,” explains Cheney. “It keeps me humble.”

Saturday, October 13th
Baghdadis flock to the Al-Zawraa zoo to celebrate the Eid al-Fitr holiday. At midday, the festivities are interrupted by gunfire. Afterward, a young Iraqi boy is overheard asking his father, “where were those big American elephants that always talk about how we’re so important?”
“They just say that,” responded his father. “They don’t actually come here.”
Both are then shot by Blackwater Security guards.

Michael O’Hanlon, whose war cheerleading helped lay the foundation for our current successes in Iraq, and who then allowed himself to be presented as a “war critic” in a 2007 article he co-authored stating that we’re making progress, responding to news that black enlistment in the military has plummeted since 2000:

“African-Americans have been such a key part of the modern military. There’s obviously been a degree where the black community in the United States has seen [military service] as culturally valuable and promoted it. That whole culture and value system is at risk in the black community. That is a big, big change. To me, it portends the possibility of a longer-term loss of interest. It can be tough to get it back.”

Mr. O’Hanlon went on to explain that he’d spent the weekend watching re-runs of the Jeffersons, the Cosby Show, and the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air in an attempt to discern what had changed. “I feel like Carlton would have considered enlisting,” he said. Asked later whether any of his comments might have evinced anti-troop bias, O’Hanlon became defensive. “That’s ridiculous!” he yelled. “Some of my best friends are dead people!”

Monday, October 1st
-After hearing rumors, David Addington has to remind Dick Cheney that extraordinary rendition is strictly prohibited by the bylaws of their fantasy football league. “I understand,” says Cheney. “Here, have one of these.”
“No, Dick. That’s a roofie.”

Tuesday, October 2nd
-Blackwater Security head Erik “Colonel Jessup” Prince testifies before the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform. At issue: Blackwater guards—whether they are reckless; the truth—whether you can handle it.
“You’re goddamn right I ordered the code red!” He shouts. “And instead I got a fucking SURGE!”

Wednesday, October 3rd
-The press is not invited to the private ceremony as Bush vetoes the bill to expand the Children’s Health Insurance Program. To quell their resulting arousal, and to avoid having their purchases scrutinized by the GAO, Cheney and Addington extraordinarly render some escorts.
-Alberto Gonzales can’t remember whether he fed the cats.

Thursday, October 4th
-The New York Times reports that the Justice Department issued a secret endorsement of the CIA’s harshest interrogation techniques. People pretend to be surprised.
-Dick Cheney issues an executive legislative order that all future legal opinions be written on Etch-a-Sketch.

Friday, October 5th
-”Super” David Petraeus meets with a representative of the mushroom people to plan their liberation.

Monday, September 24th

-Dick Cheney, David Addington, Condi Rice, Dana Perino, David Petraeus, and a visiting Karl Rove sit at the White House Cafeteria’s “cool” lunch table.
“Hey guys,” says Cheney. “What’s black and gets a fair shake in the Bush Administration?”
“Hmmm,” says Perino.
“Latinos!” Rove answers eagerly.
Cheney shakes his head.
“Schoolchildren?” Guesses Perino.
Cheney shakes his head again.
“Things are looking much better in the Anbar Province,” says Petraeus.
Addington can’t contain his laughter. “Trick question!” He shouts. “Nobody!”
“No, no,” says Cheney. “The answer is at this table.”
“Uh, can we talk about Iran, guys?” Asks an uneasy Condi.
“Condi Rice!” Shouts Petraeus, eager to get it right.
Cheney laughs and reaches for the cylinder before them. “You’re all wrong! It’s the pepper dispenser!”
Addington and Cheney laugh and high-five.
“I still think it was Latinos,” says Rove.
Petraeus pushes his tray to the side. “Can I go back to the Green Zone now?”

Tuesday, September 25th

-Current Ranger owner Tom Hicks calls George Bush for advice regarding some difficulties he’s having with the team. The fans are upset; it’s been another year of not meeting goals, while the Rangers continue to pay for the Alex Rodriguez mistake. “We always said we’d measure our success in September,” Hicks explains.

Bush isn’t rattled. “Push it back,” he says. “Tell them you can’t evaluate until Spring Training.”

“How will I do that?” Asks Hicks. “I’ve already told them we’d evaluate in September.”

The President carries the rest of the conversation. “You wanna borrow Petraeus? Seriously, we don’t need him…No, the Green Zone’s really just a little box on my desk…Yes, he’s a very small man. Tiny, really.”

Wednesday, September 26th

-Bush and the English language file for divorce, citing “irreconcilable use of subject and verb.”

Thursday, September 27th

-The State Department holds a climate change summit, inviting the world’s top polluters to discuss strategies to reduce greenhouse gas emissions. The U.S. takes the position that any such measures must be voluntary. Cheney and Addington sit in the back, giggling and making “age of consent” jokes.

Friday, September 28th

-General Petraeus is crying himself to sleep in the little box. “I didn’t betray anybody,” he sniffles.
“I know you didn’t, General,” says the President. “There there.”
He closes the lid.

Monday, September 17th
-The Hill reports that Dick Cheney has nothing to hide.

Tuesday, September 18th
-White House IT staffers hide in the cafeteria kitchen as an angry Dick Cheney stalks the grounds. His fantasy football team is in last place, despite the tap on Dungy’s phone, and an e-mail he received proposing a trade was permanently deleted, per White House protocol. “I tell you when to permanently delete e-mails,” he grumbles.

Wednesday, September 19th
-Dana Perino realizes that tomorrow is News Conference day, where in one hour an unscripted president will make her next week hell. Wearily, she dials her pharmacist. “Yes, Xanex…Do you have, um, extra strength?”

Thursday, September 20th
-The President warns the Senate and House that he will veto legislation to extend the Children’s Health Insurance Program to cover more uninsured children. Dick Cheney leans forward to hide his growing erection and high-fives his man Addington. “Let them have lunch…OR NOT!” Laughter all around.
-Asked about potential political leaders in Iraq, the president declares “Nelson Mandela is dead. Saddam Hussein killed all the Mandelas.” Dick Cheney hears the name and nudges Addington. “Mandela was a terrorist,” he whispers.
“He’s still alive,” replies Addington. Cheney mentally adds name to “People to Extraordinarily Render” list.

Friday, September 21st
-Warring Headlines:
San Francisco Chronicle: Bush Asks Dems for Cheaper Health Plan
Kansas City Star: Bush Will Ask for a Big Boost in War Funds
Dana Perino’s Diary: Dick Cheney Scares Me
-The World Health Organization reports an outbreak of cholera in Baghdad. The President gets a call from his father and Bill Clinton. “We’re gonna rent an aircraft carrier,” they tell him. “This is our mission accomplished moment!”

Monday, September 10th
General Petraeus testifies before the Senate.

Tuesday, September 11th
The Washington Post reports that Col. Pete Devlin, the Chief of Intelligence for the Marine Corps, filed a secret report describing the situation in the Anbar Province as dire and beyond the potential for improvement. Summarizing the report, one Army officer said, “we have been defeated politically—and that’s where wars are won and lost.”

Wednesday, September 12th
The Los Angeles Times reports that the United States has secretly been negotiating with Shiite cleric Muqtada Al-Sadr’s Mahdi Army, the fearsome militia that made Fallujah such a hornet’s nest for U.S. troops. Their demand? A starring role for their leader in the next Matrix movie.

Thursday, September 13th
In his speech on Iraq, Bush says “Anbar Province is a good example of how our strategy is working.”

Friday, September 14th
Catching up on the week’s sports news and his fantasy football lineup, Dick Cheney reads of Bill Belichick’s troubles. “Send him a signed waterboard,” he tells his secretary. “Put a ‘Patriot Act’ pun in the note and be sure to let him know we’ve got a tap on Dungy’s phone.”

Friday, August 31st
-Tony Snow gets an early start on the Labor Day celebration of the American working man and woman by announcing his resignation from the position of White House press secretary, stating that his salary of $168,000 just wasn’t cutting it. “Like my friend Latrell, I’ve got a family to feed.”
-His replacement, Dana Perino, gears up for her new responsibilities. The woman who receives 600 e-mails a day is about to get a lot busier. The White House IT department hurries to prepare itself. “That’s a lot of e-mails we have to make sure are deleted permanently,” explains an insider.

Tuesday, September 4th
-Looking to get a leg up on his fantasy football competition, Dick Cheney orders a wiretap on the phone of Indianapolis Colts’ coach Tony Dungy. Cheney’s chief of staff, David “One Bomb Away” Addington, notices the request and asks Cheney what it’s about. “I gotta see how much he’s going to use Addai,” says Cheney, referring to the Colts’ star running back. “If they’re going to the air, I’ll sit him.”
“The air?” Replies Addington. “Addai? With a name like that, he should be on the no-fly list!” They share a laugh.
-”Kicking ass” joins “heckuva job” on the list of superlative phrases that can no longer be used without sounding insincere. (No word on whether “taking names” was tainted as well.)

Thursday, September 6th
-Basking in the glow of his many successes, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales addresses the Coast Guard Academy. On the subject of the Guantanamo Bay detention camps, he says, “Never before in our nation’s history have we given such robust protection to combatants picked up on the field of battle.”

Barbed wire fences, camp counselors protect X-Ray detainees from wild bears.

Earmuffs, goggles are “like a v-chips for people,” explains Gonzales. “It’s truly ’see no evil, hear no evil.’”

Friday, September 7th
-General Petraeus writes a letter to American forces in Iraq. “Sectarian violence continues…albeit at considerably reduced levels of [sic] 8 months ago…In fact, the number of attacks across the country has declined 8 of the past 11 weeks.” The kicker: Shiite-on Shiite attacks, Sunni-on-Sunni attacks, and car bombings don’t count as sectarian violence.

General Motors is considering a recall of their Baghdad shipment, citing a tendency of many of the models to spontaneously combust.

Another big week, another big departure. They’re dropping like flies at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. Fortunately for our President, there’s plenty of you-know-what around to attract some more. Without further ado:

Monday, August 27
-Dick Cheney sees Superbad, smirks repeatedly.
-The press catches wind of Alberto Gonzales’ departure. Feeling sentimental after watching the retrospectives on his tenure, Gonzales decides to put together a scrapbook to preserve the good memories. Here’s an excerpt:

Halloween, 2005: Me as a public servant and Sandra as a giant pilgrim!

Tuesday, August 28
-The US Census Bureau reports that the rate of uninsured American adults and children jumped in 2006. Dick Cheney googles “priapism”.
-The Associated Press reports that Army is widening their investigations of waste, fraud, and abuse in contracts in Iraq and Afghanistan, including those held by Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg, Brown, and Root. Bush’s advisers rebuff his suggestion that Gonzales oversee the investigation. “What about Brownie?” “No, sir, he won’t do either.” After much haggling, they settle on Thomas White.
-Cheney: Send Thomas White a bottle of scotch and a pair of concrete shoes with the note “Thomas, I hope you don’t have to wear them. Dick.”
Aide: We can’t do that, sir. That would be illegal.
Cheney: GODDAMNIT, THAT’S HOW I ROLL!!
Cheney receives a shock from his pacemaker.

Wednesday, August 29th
-Al Gonzales and Karl Rove play Edward 40-hands in the Rose Garden. Before passing out, they engage in a little bonding.

KARL: What are we gonna do, Gonzo?
AL: If you’ll be my bodyguard, I can be your long lost pal.
KARL: We are sooo gonna end up at the Carlyle Group.
AL: Fuckin’ A.

Thursday, August 30th
-General Petraeus reports from the Green Zone that the surge is working.

The General flashes that winning Green Zone grin.

Petraeus watches grass grow, surge work. Secretary Gates wonders why he accepted the nomination.

Friday, August 31
Karl Rove’s last day as White House deputy chief of staff. Feeling sly, he attempts to make off with the Golden Tee game from the Lincoln Bedroom, wheeling it out on a dolly. Cheney catches him and slaps him across the face. The Vice President then pulls out his heart rate monitor. “See,” he says. “It didn’t even go up.”

Team USA’s Kobe Bryant does the Larry Craig against Brazil’s Leandro Barbosa.

Look, Ma—no callouses!

Alberto Gonzales
United States Attorney General, February 14, 2005 - September 17, 2007

“Even my worst days as Attorney General have been better than my father’s best days…I have lived the American Dream.”

Translation: My father may have been an honest man who performed a less-than-glamorous job with integrity. And I may have countenanced torture, felonious wiretapping, and numerous other misdeeds and malfeasances. But at least I got to do it in a suit behind a desk. At least my hands are soft.

Congratulations, America. Condolences, American Dream.