A few years ago, I spent a summer in Atlanta, and I recall the MARTA ride to the airport passing a large, dilapadated building on the side of which was spraypainted something like “The End Times Is Near!”

Well, with financial markets and cranes collapsing, I figured it was time to check in with the world’s foremost rapturologists at Rapture Ready’s Rapture Index to learn whether the End Times are in fact arriving. It turns out that even with today’s financial collapses, the Rapture Index is only at 168. Yesterday’s 169 was actually our high for the year—and was still well off the all-time high of 182 on September 24, 2001. Oh, how I yearn for the halcyon days of December 1993, when we heathens felt safer with the Rapture Index at an anemic 53!

The number of variables in the Rapture Index makes me wonder whether End Times forecasting has spurred a cottage industry of amateur statistical analysis the way baseball and basketball have; i.e. whether there are a bunch of believers coming up with their own (unprovable) formulas at home. What a hobby—endless fun in an ending world!

When word came down of Rudy Giuliani’s departure from the Republican primary race, I thought of his chief foreign policy adviser, Norman Podhoretz, and Axl Rose’s tortured wail from “Sweet Child o’ Mine” echoed in my head:

Where do we go? Where do we go now? Oh oh oh oh…

Indeed, where does Norman go? We’re down to the Final Four, there’s plenty of votes to be cast, and Iran remains uninvaded by democracy or American bombs. Norm finds himself in a position similar to that of Tiki Barber, who left football a year too early and now must watch his erstwhile teammates play for a Super Bowl title.

Sugar cube?

Yup, Norm hitched his battle wagon to the wrong war horse. Will he be forced to sit on the sidelines as a result? It’s not like Norm or his buddies to hype a war and then sit it out.

Ever get the feeling these modern sons of Sparta would’ve found themselves on the wrong side of a cliff back in the day?

While three of the remaining candidates can boast of statements or votes that hint at an answer to Norm’s hopes and prayers, there is one whose hawkishness is backed up by an actual record of going to war: Senator John McCain. The bellicose Arizonan should’ve been Norm’s choice all along. After all, Rudy’s real enemies are everyone who disagrees with him and/or got capped by New York’s Finest. By contrast, John was into bombing fools before bombing fools was cool.

So how ’bout it, Norm? Pride’s a bitch, but you gotta swallow it. Give John a call. It’s too late for Tiki, but you’ve still got a chance.

Who says torture can’t be funny?

Monday, December 10th
-The Justice Department defends its failure to investigate the allegations of a former Halliburton/KRB employee that she was gang-raped, blackmailed, and imprisoned by her co-workers. Says a Justice Department Spokesperson: “Halliburton told us it was just exploratory drilling.”
-In what may have been an underhanded attempt to dissuade voters from supporting government-sponsored health insurance, two nurses unions publish an ad stating that, without his government-sponsored health insurance, Dick Cheney would likely be dead of heart troubles by now.
-Cheney responds with his own ad against logging restrictions, water shortages, without which “I’d subject every one of those bitches to the non-torturous sensation of drowning.”

Tuesday, December 11th
-A special investigation reveals that Harry Reid’s “boxing” history consisted of a three-month stint as a stock boy at UPS.

Wednesday, December 12th
-Dick Cheney’s sex life heats up with another Bush veto of a children’s health insurance bill. “It’s like Valentine’s Day in December,” quips a flushed Lynne.

Thursday, December 13th
-Dick Cheney visits Harry Reid on the Senate floor to deliver him a copy of the FISA bill the administration would like him to push. Reid solemnly receives the manila envelope. “Thank you, sir,” he says.
“Is that all?” Asks an incredulous Cheney.
Harry Reid looks around the floor, noting that many of his colleagues are in earshot. “Oh, come on.”
Cheney continues to stare at him and snarl.
“Okay, fine,” says Reid. “May I have another?”

Friday, December 14th
Attorney General Michael Mukasey refuses to turn over information on the Justice Department’s alleged investigation into the destruction of CIA interrogation tapes. “I am independent,” he asserts, echoing the talking points the Bush Administration provided media outlets during his confirmation process. “I have the balls to stand up to anyone. I myself would stand up and show them to you, but I—rather, they, are occupied in the mouths of Charles Schumer and Dianne Feinstein.” For the first time in his public career, Schumer is rendered speechless, emitting only a muffled, talcum-y hum.
-GOP Senators block a House bill (known as “Geneva 2″) banning uses of torture in CIA interrogations. A staff member for Lindsey Graham explains that “Cheney sent out a new memo specifically prohibiting cockblocking,” which would be among this ban’s unintended effects. “When the waterboards dry up, so does Lynn,” wrote Cheney.

After getting blown out by the grittily-guttily-led, coulda-been-a-contender Chicago Bulls, the Supes move on to the Big Apple, where they face the team that makes every NBA beat writer drool: The New York Knicks. (Seriously, could you ever have difficulty coming up with a story about a team like that?)

The Knickerbockers, payer of the league’s highest payroll, are just this week $11.5 million lighter in the wallet, following their settlement of a sexual harassment lawsuit with an employee whom owner James Dolan, in an episode that reads like the script for a “how-not-to” corporate training video, fired after she filed her harassment claim and without consulting with his legal team.

Still, for better or worse, Mr. Dolan is not the face of the franchise. That honor belongs to head coach/general manager/accused sexual harasser Isiah Thomas. Babyfaced, mercurial, and the butt of many an article and blog post, Thomas has turned the crazy up a notch this season. Here are a couple of anecdotes to help you get through tonight’s likely stinker. Get out your DSM-IV, folks, and enjoy the unvarnished Isiah:

From a press conference following Monday night’s 10-point loss to the Dallas Mavericks (it wasn’t as close as final margin), in which the team was booed and Isiah accused of chastising courtside fans for not being more supportive:

“I fight ’til I die. It’s not about giving up or quitting. To me, it’s win or die. I literally mean death, I don’t mean ‘walk away.’ I mean death. That’s how I have coached.”

But my favorite Isiah anecdote of the season was delivered by fashionista Craig Sager (if the Trailblazers ever change their name to the Tackyblazers, they’ll know who to hire as their mascot), during the Knicks epic loss to the Boston Celtics a couple weeks ago. It went something like this:

Isiah Thomas has renewed his hate affair with the city of Boston. After leaving his hotel for an afternoon spin class [spin class!], Isiah returned to find the key to his room didn’t work. He suspected the hotel of having changed the lock/card code. After waiting 45 minutes to get back in [at this point, one has to wonder what sorts of joints Dolan’s putting them up in], he refused to order room service or go out for his dinner, because he couldn’t trust anyone in Boston to prepare his food. Instead, he just ate from the mini-bar. Afterward, he told Saigs of the Bostonians, “I hate them as much as they hate me.”

Here’s to you, Isiah. Thanks for helping to make the Knicks one of the league’s most entertaining franchises.

Monday, December 3rd
-The new National Intelligence Estimate on Iran reports that that country is not currently pursuing a nuclear weapons program. After having worked so hard to drum up a war and having had his way with the intelligence community in the past, Dick Cheney is distressed. “It’s like expecting a kid’s gonna go hungry,” he explains, “and then finding out not only is he going to get a lunch, but your tax dollars are going to pay for it!”

Wednesday, December 5th
-Watchdog group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington reports that the White House deleted over ten million e-mails, more than double the previous estimates. However, using cutting edge new technologies, our intrepid reporter managed to salvage one from Dick Cheney’s inbox:

From: Jonah Goldberg <jonah@armchairwarrior.com>
To: Vice President Cheney <constitution_this@aol.com>
Date: November 1, 2007 11:45 AM
Subject: Fwd: 0stoke

From: Chap Landman <landmanymhlq@grundschule-niedersessmar.de>
To: jonah@armchairwarrior.com
Date: November 1, 2007 11:43 AM
Subject: 0stoke

hey spagetti dick, you can have salami stick now, its simple statistics show more men are enlarging, what are you waiting for?
bomb iran!

Thursday, December 6th
CIA Director Michael Hayden confesses that the agency destroyed tapes of the interrogation of “War on Terror” detainees, including Jose Padilla. It is widely suspected that the tapes contained the application of torture methods.

-Asked to comment, Chuck Schumer says, “The destruction of the tapes was another instance of this administration’s ‘catch me if you can’ disregard for international treaties and diplomacy. I support the CIA fully in its decision.”
Nancy Pelosi chimes in with an amen: “I’ve known about waterboarding since 2002,” she explains. “I was just waiting for the opportunity to pantomime indignation. You can ask my staff: I’ve been working on my ‘This troubles me and I want answers’ face for years!”
John Rockefeller is asked to comment but indicates through a spokesperson that it would be impolite to speak with a mouthful of telecom industry cock.

-The White House refuses to comment on the The Justice Department’s investigation of the tapes’ destruction. “How can we?” asks Dana Perino. “I mean, it would be, like, unethical. Plus the Vice President gets a boner when we talk about torture, and that doesn’t make for good TV.”

Friday, December 7th
-Sheldon Whitehouse takes the Senate floor to describe the highly classified opinions he examined from the Department of Justice Office of Legal Counsel. The opinions held, among other things, that the President is not bound by previous executive orders and that, under Article II of the Constitution, he determines what is or is not a lawful action.

The President’s phone rings. It’s Hugo Chavez.
“Hey there, you lazy oligarch douche bag. I see you finally took my advice.”
“You’re goddamned right, you oil-slicked, commie devil.”
“Keep it up and we’ll be in these gigs forever.”
“Nobody said we ain’t lucky bastards.”
“Fuckin’ A. Look for me on TV tomorrow, calling you a tyrant.”
“Same here, buddy.”

Sunday, December 9th
-The Associated Press reports that Alberto Gonzales received a $1,000 - $1,500 Cartier watch from the Attorney General of Qatar, the only gift received by the Justice Department last year. The watch came with the following note:

Thanks for all the good times and enemy combatants. It’s been an extraordinary two years. You’re a great attorney, and nothing your opponents can gurgle will convince me otherwise.

PS—I wish you could’ve been there when we put the electrodes on that guy’s balls. It was awesome.
PPS—Tell Addington thanks and that his “Geneva Conventions” towels are on their way.

-A CIA insider drops a bombshell. “The tapes,” he tells our intrepid reporter, “weren’t actually destroyed.” His voice lowers to a whisper. “Dick Cheney has them. He watches them when he jerks off.”

Sunday, November 18th
-Thomas Friedman writes a column suggesting that if Barack Obama gets the Democratic presidential nomination, he should name Dick Cheney as his running mate. This, Friedman explains, will provide an intimidating presence to potentially hostile states. “It’ll just be like Public Enemy back in the day, with Professor Griff and Security of the First World. Man, did I love listening to Welcome to the Terrordome when I was stirring up war. Those were the days. Remember when my mustache was cool? Does this column make my dick look bigger? Okay, well, whatever. Tell Obama to go with Cheney. I’d offer my services, but I’m already booked for my own gig. It’s a movie called ‘Dorf on Punditry.’”

Monday, November 19th
-Seeking to align military service with the incentives of a free market system, the U.S. Military decides that it will force injured soldiers to return their enlistment bonuses. “Why incentivize getting hurt?” explains Chief Military Economist Herbert Spencer.

“This was all my idea,” says a beaming Paul Bremer from the tomato patch in his Connecticut garden. “I’m still relevant!”

Tuesday, November 20th
-An advance snippet of Scott McLellan’s book critiques the President, Vice President, and key aides for sending him to the press with false information. This brings the list of former Bush Administration members to write books critiquing the President to the following:

Colin Powell
Richard Armitage
Paul O’Neill
Christine Todd Whitman
Scott McClellan

Incidentally, because an overeager intern failed to heed Dick Cheney’s “don’t write anything down” maxim, we now know that the list of “People to Extraordinarily Render” looks like this:

Chris Dodd
Dennis Kucinich
That guy from Peru
Mr. Rogers(DEAD)
…
Colin Powell
Richard Armitage
Paul O’Neill
Christine Todd Whitman
Scott McClellan
…

Asked to comment, the intern said, “gurgle, gurgle, cough, cough.”

Thursday, November 22nd
-In presidential tradition, George W. Bush announces his pardon of the White House turkey. His signing statement, however, indicates otherwise. Out back, Dick Cheney and David Addington are seen covering its beak with a towel.

Saturday, November 24th
The New York Times reports that President Bush, facing a lame duck year and a Congress that has been non-compliant on all non-FISA, non-Iraq matters, intends to focus on smaller, domestic goals. To that end, the White House announces the launching of the new War on Malaise. Instead of alert levels (yellow, orange, red), this war will feature mindfulness tones (current tone: off-mauve). “We’d like to see that down to a blanched almond by December,” explains Michael Chertoff’s gut. To combat his own malaise, Dick Cheney shoots small, peaceful birds with a high-powered rifle.

Monday, November 12th
A National Security Council meeting is derailed when the President confuses IEDs with IUDs, puts surgeon general on conference call.

Tuesday, November 13th
The Wall Street Journal reports that, in a nod to traditional free-market economic theory, the U.S. Government is soliciting bids from defense contractors for a $15 billion contract to fight the drug war. Among the competitors is Blackwater.

“It’s simple economics,” explains a Bush economic adviser. “You just prohibit the substance, forcing an informal market and creating profit incentives for legally flexible entrepeneurs. You then liberalize the finance industries in the production countries, allowing drug profits to be stored more easily, no questions asked, and enabling those countries to stabilize their currencies with said profits. Simultaneously, you have the IMF impose austerity measures on those countries, forcing formal industries to contract and pushing more people into the coca trade. Now stay with me, here.” He pauses for a swig of Kool-Aid. “Here’s how you solve it: Find a silver-spoon-fed, A-Team wannabe, Lou Holtz-look-alike party fundraiser, funnel him some money so he can hire some trigger-happy muscleheads, and send ‘em into the jungle.”
“Fuckin’ A,” adds the president. “Hey wait. What about Rambo?”

Lou: Play like a winner today!” Erik: “I thought I wasn’t gonna have to bid on this motherfucker!”

Wednesday, November 14th
David Addington explains to a disappointed President that the term veto is not named after a character from The Godfather.
Addington: Did you sign that signing statement for me?
Bush: Not yet. Wasn’t that awesome when he said he was gonna make him an offer he couldn’t refuse?
Addington: Yes, it was. I’m going to need that statement, Mr. President.
Bush: What’s Habeus Corpus?
Addington ignores him, shuffles papers.
Cheney (from next room): Oh, he’s just Petraeus’ cousin.
Bush: Petraeus…I love that guy.

Thursday, November 15th
An American Research Group poll finds that 43% of Americans support the impeachment of Dick Cheney. Told of the news, an irritated Vice President responds, “well, I’m in support of waterboarding 43% of them, so I’m not sweating it either.”

Friday, November 16th
The Pittsburgh Steelers receive an inspirational message from the Vice President, who has bet on them to cover the spread against the New York Jets. “Remember,” concludes Cheney. “All I need is a Gatorade bucket and a Terrible Towel.”

What was “America’s Mayor” for Halloween? Vote in my online poll!

Dear Norm,

It’s me, Damon.

Congrats on all the press you’ve been getting lately. It seems the world is listening to your ideas.

Now, since this is just the two of us talking (more or less—hardly anyone reads this), I want to level with you: I’ve read what you have to say, and I think you’re fucking nuts. Now I’m not talking about your insecurities from back in the day; I know it was tough for you losing fights on the playground and that you found those black kids scary, yet strangely alluring. I’ll be generous and take you at face value and respect your professed desire to keep your playground scars and racist instincts out of your policies.

But now I see that you “hope and pray” that we bomb Iran? You want to do it “as soon as it is logistically possible“? It seems you still haven’t put those playground defeats behind you. There’s a lot of rage in you, Norm. And now you’re directing it at Iran, and a dubious collection of unallied groups you call “Islamofascists.”

So I thought to myself, Norm needs a productive—or at least harmless—way to get his aggressions out. I thought about buying you karate lessons, but I worry that in your advanced age, you’d risk injury. And I don’t think a real gun would be a good idea. It almost never is. But a virtual one? Pretty harmless.

So my offer is this, Norm: I will buy you a copy of Halo 3 if you promise to take your aggressions out through that, rather than through advocating the bombing of Iran. If you don’t already have an Xbox 360, this won’t do much for you. But if that’s the case, I imagine we could get some people to chip in. I know I said I don’t have a lot of readers, but I believe the ones I have are generous.

Readers, if you’d be willing to chip in for an Xbox for Norm so he can play Halo 3 instead of advocating bombing Iran, just say so in the comments below. You know, I bet we’d even be able to raise enough for extra controllers so Bill Kristol, Jonah Goldberg, and others can play.

This is a standing offer, Norm. At least until the first bomb drops. Btw (that means “by the way”)—and I know this may not be a concern, as you and your cronies aren’t given to actual combat—I don’t recommend riding it down. It may look fun in the movies, but you won’t live.

Damon

PS—Don’t worry: we can keep this real quiet. My readers know how to be discreet.
PPS—I see you’ve taken to referring to the “War on Terror” as “World War IV” (with the Cold War being WWIII). Now, if the Cold War, with its multi-decade span and relative lack of actual combat, can be elevated to the status of a World War, do you think we can get Wrestlemania—and its twenty-three years of edge-of-your seat battles—in the history books? Maybe as, say, a “major regional conflict”?

This is you showing Bill and Jonah (and Ahmadinejad!) how it’s done!