Monday, December 3rd
-The new National Intelligence Estimate on Iran reports that that country is not currently pursuing a nuclear weapons program. After having worked so hard to drum up a war and having had his way with the intelligence community in the past, Dick Cheney is distressed. “It’s like expecting a kid’s gonna go hungry,” he explains, “and then finding out not only is he going to get a lunch, but your tax dollars are going to pay for it!”

Wednesday, December 5th
-Watchdog group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington reports that the White House deleted over ten million e-mails, more than double the previous estimates. However, using cutting edge new technologies, our intrepid reporter managed to salvage one from Dick Cheney’s inbox:

From: Jonah Goldberg <jonah@armchairwarrior.com>
To: Vice President Cheney <constitution_this@aol.com>
Date: November 1, 2007 11:45 AM
Subject: Fwd: 0stoke

From: Chap Landman <landmanymhlq@grundschule-niedersessmar.de>
To: jonah@armchairwarrior.com
Date: November 1, 2007 11:43 AM
Subject: 0stoke

hey spagetti dick, you can have salami stick now, its simple statistics show more men are enlarging, what are you waiting for?
bomb iran!

Thursday, December 6th
CIA Director Michael Hayden confesses that the agency destroyed tapes of the interrogation of “War on Terror” detainees, including Jose Padilla. It is widely suspected that the tapes contained the application of torture methods.

-Asked to comment, Chuck Schumer says, “The destruction of the tapes was another instance of this administration’s ‘catch me if you can’ disregard for international treaties and diplomacy. I support the CIA fully in its decision.”
Nancy Pelosi chimes in with an amen: “I’ve known about waterboarding since 2002,” she explains. “I was just waiting for the opportunity to pantomime indignation. You can ask my staff: I’ve been working on my ‘This troubles me and I want answers’ face for years!”
John Rockefeller is asked to comment but indicates through a spokesperson that it would be impolite to speak with a mouthful of telecom industry cock.

-The White House refuses to comment on the The Justice Department’s investigation of the tapes’ destruction. “How can we?” asks Dana Perino. “I mean, it would be, like, unethical. Plus the Vice President gets a boner when we talk about torture, and that doesn’t make for good TV.”

Friday, December 7th
-Sheldon Whitehouse takes the Senate floor to describe the highly classified opinions he examined from the Department of Justice Office of Legal Counsel. The opinions held, among other things, that the President is not bound by previous executive orders and that, under Article II of the Constitution, he determines what is or is not a lawful action.

The President’s phone rings. It’s Hugo Chavez.
“Hey there, you lazy oligarch douche bag. I see you finally took my advice.”
“You’re goddamned right, you oil-slicked, commie devil.”
“Keep it up and we’ll be in these gigs forever.”
“Nobody said we ain’t lucky bastards.”
“Fuckin’ A. Look for me on TV tomorrow, calling you a tyrant.”
“Same here, buddy.”

Sunday, December 9th
-The Associated Press reports that Alberto Gonzales received a $1,000 - $1,500 Cartier watch from the Attorney General of Qatar, the only gift received by the Justice Department last year. The watch came with the following note:

Thanks for all the good times and enemy combatants. It’s been an extraordinary two years. You’re a great attorney, and nothing your opponents can gurgle will convince me otherwise.

PS—I wish you could’ve been there when we put the electrodes on that guy’s balls. It was awesome.
PPS—Tell Addington thanks and that his “Geneva Conventions” towels are on their way.

-A CIA insider drops a bombshell. “The tapes,” he tells our intrepid reporter, “weren’t actually destroyed.” His voice lowers to a whisper. “Dick Cheney has them. He watches them when he jerks off.”

Monday, November 12th
A National Security Council meeting is derailed when the President confuses IEDs with IUDs, puts surgeon general on conference call.

Tuesday, November 13th
The Wall Street Journal reports that, in a nod to traditional free-market economic theory, the U.S. Government is soliciting bids from defense contractors for a $15 billion contract to fight the drug war. Among the competitors is Blackwater.

“It’s simple economics,” explains a Bush economic adviser. “You just prohibit the substance, forcing an informal market and creating profit incentives for legally flexible entrepeneurs. You then liberalize the finance industries in the production countries, allowing drug profits to be stored more easily, no questions asked, and enabling those countries to stabilize their currencies with said profits. Simultaneously, you have the IMF impose austerity measures on those countries, forcing formal industries to contract and pushing more people into the coca trade. Now stay with me, here.” He pauses for a swig of Kool-Aid. “Here’s how you solve it: Find a silver-spoon-fed, A-Team wannabe, Lou Holtz-look-alike party fundraiser, funnel him some money so he can hire some trigger-happy muscleheads, and send ‘em into the jungle.”
“Fuckin’ A,” adds the president. “Hey wait. What about Rambo?”

Lou: Play like a winner today!” Erik: “I thought I wasn’t gonna have to bid on this motherfucker!”

Wednesday, November 14th
David Addington explains to a disappointed President that the term veto is not named after a character from The Godfather.
Addington: Did you sign that signing statement for me?
Bush: Not yet. Wasn’t that awesome when he said he was gonna make him an offer he couldn’t refuse?
Addington: Yes, it was. I’m going to need that statement, Mr. President.
Bush: What’s Habeus Corpus?
Addington ignores him, shuffles papers.
Cheney (from next room): Oh, he’s just Petraeus’ cousin.
Bush: Petraeus…I love that guy.

Thursday, November 15th
An American Research Group poll finds that 43% of Americans support the impeachment of Dick Cheney. Told of the news, an irritated Vice President responds, “well, I’m in support of waterboarding 43% of them, so I’m not sweating it either.”

Friday, November 16th
The Pittsburgh Steelers receive an inspirational message from the Vice President, who has bet on them to cover the spread against the New York Jets. “Remember,” concludes Cheney. “All I need is a Gatorade bucket and a Terrible Towel.”

I’m currently in the King County Courthouse, where I’ve been called on jury duty. I have about as much chance of being selected to a jury as Nancy Grace, though for precisely the opposite reasons. Since I’ll soon be asked to put away any electronic, potentially communicative devices, I brought with me Legacy of Ashes: The History of the CIA, a Pulitzer Prize winning book by Tim Weiner that covers what Mr. Weiner argues is 60 years of intelligence failures by our Central Intelligence Agency. Having poked around the book a little, I can attest that it’s an interesting read. However, if you’d like a shorthand for why the U.S. might not excel at intelligence, have a look at the new counterterrorism logo for the CIA/DCI (Director of Central Intelligence):

Thanks to Shannon for the hot tip.