This week’s column is up.

My most recent Weekly web column is up, and the title pretty much tells explains it. As the result of a site redesign over there, the archive of my columns has been moved here.

Yesterday, Senator Arlen Specter (R, PA) appeared at a news conference to tell the world that New England Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick had been “illegally” videotaping other teams’ signal communications since 2000.

“We have a right to have honest football games,” said Specter.

On Tuesday, that same Senator Specter had a chance to vote for an amendment to the amended Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA). The Amendment would strip the Act’s provision of immunity to telecom companies that allowed the National Security Agency to monitor customers’ electronic communications without a warrant. One of these companies is already being sued. Senator Specter voted against the Amendment, but neglected to call a press conference to discuss it. (An avowed opponent of waterboarding, Senator Specter also voted yesterday against a measure that would prohibit waterboarding.)

If you’re wondering why Senator Specter voted against the immunity-stripping Amendment, you can have a look at the statute under which the companies might be liable here; the statute that some (wrongly) say justifies the wiretaps here; and the amendment itself (along with a handy roll call) here. You can find something called the Fourth Amendment here. And you can read about his proposed blame-the-taxpayers compromise here.

As for the rules that Specter alleges Bellichick broke for seven years, they’re in the NFL’s “Game Operations Manual.” You know, the one they taught you about in your high school civics class. As far as I can tell, you can’t find it online. I wonder why.

We have a right to honest football games.

The end of the year is the time for top ten lists. However, 2007 was not kind to Seattle sports fans, so we decided to make it a bottom ten instead:

10. May 24th - The Mariners lose to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays 13-12. Third base coach Carlos Garcia gets two runners thrown out at home. Explaining his decision to send not-so-fleety Jose Lopez home against the near legendary arm of Delmon Young, Garcia says, “It was the first time we played them. I didn’t know he had such a good arm. But now I know.” The club defends Garcia against fans who point out that the strength of Young’s arm is widely recognized and could have been gleaned by reading a scouting report, or merely conducting a google search. “The fans who are expressing their discontent are displaying an unsettling level of cultural insensitivity,” declares Howard Lincoln. When asked to identify the culture to which the fans were being insensitive, Lincoln replies simply, “losing.”

9. Date unknown - Wally Szczerbiak takes rookie teammate Kevin Durant under his wing, explaining to the young star that he can boost his scoring average by largely ignoring those pesky things called teammates. “Unless, they’re setting a pick for you, they’re not there,” he says. (This may not have happened yet, but it’s a scary thought, no?)

8. The Weekend of November 10th to 11th - Let’s start on Sunday: Moving like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle minus the Teenage Mutant Ninja part, Robert Swift has zero points, two rebounds, and two fouls in 12 minutes of play. As he struggles to lug his freshly tatted 280 lbs up and down the Key Arena floor, some fans wonder whether, knee injury or not, the new bulk will ruin the agility that was his previous strong suit. One night earlier, the player the Sonics should have drafted in 2004, Al Jefferson, scores 17 points and grabs 12 rebounds for the Minnesota Timberwolves.

7. January 1st - Ty Willingham’s Huskies look totally unprepared for their bowl game matchup with…oh, wait, nevermind.

6. December 12th - Unable to resist his stunning array of “out” pitches (as in “quickly headed ‘out’ of the park”), the Seattle Mariners tender Horacio Ramirez, the man who accrued more walks than strikeouts and hits than innings in 2007. “It was a difficult decision,” explains Bill Bavasi. “Had he been signed by a division rival, we might have been able to keep Richie Sexson’s batting average over .220 for the season.”

5. November 15th - Howard Schultz signs up to sponsor a youth basketball team.

4. August 28th - With the Mariners needing a win against the 1st place Angels to stay in the pennant race; with the bases loaded, the team down one run in the 8th inning, and Vladimir Guerrero due up, John McLaren digs deep into the throat of bullpen suckage to pull out Rick White. The barrel-stomached veteran, a piece of waiver wire flotsam that somehow landed in the Safeco bullpen (care to explain, Bill?), takes the mound and promptly makes a mound of his own. Two batters later, the bases — and Rick’s bowels — have been emptied, and the game is all but over.

3. Sundays, generally - Shaun Alexander sees tacklers, falls down.

2. December 3rd — Citing his dissatisfaction with the community center facilities, Schultz transfers sponsorship duties to an Oklahoma City car dealership, but asks if he can still attend the year-end pizza party.

1. November 1st — Sonics owner Clayton Bennett celebrates the newly begun Kevin Durant era by filing with the NBA for relocation of the team. Here’s to you, Mr. Bennett. May all your years be as bad as our 2007.

Apparently this one’s been on the web for a week or two, but it’s worth posting for those who haven’t seen it. The announcer gets the call wrong a couple of times, but the ref lets us know what happened. Thanks to Jeff for the link.

The original Coach was built on the Andy Griffith model, with a big, decent guy as the lead and a goofy, smaller man as his devoted but sometimes inept sidekick. You could argue that it’s a timeless model. But right now, it’s not what’s hot. And moreover, it’s not really honest—not when it comes to college football.

Everyone knows that college football is big business. In most states, the highest paid public employee is a college football coach. Washington just lost to Oregon, whose wheels of ascent were greased by the liquid fortune of Phil Knight. USC rode Reggie Bush to several top five finishes, while he and his family allegedly rode in a limousine and pulled in $280,000 in benefits. And the tradition goes back: some of my favorite college football teams are the Miami squads from the late 80s, when 2 Live Crew’s Luther Campbell stalked the sidelines, doling out cash in pre-set amounts as rewards for big plays.

Isn’t it time, then, to resurrect Coach, but take it the Desperate Housewives route (except for scrapping the laugh track—the laugh track must be kept)? Maybe Hayden has some friends who can make some “problems” disappear. Maybe Johnny Heisman roughs up a valet who scratches his Escalade. Maybe a touchdown earns you more than a shining star on your helmet—it earns you a star shining your helmet. A place where everybody knows your name, where the steroids flow like water, and where it only rains when your cornerbacks make it.

Inside sources report that President Bush is receiving pressure from Republican party officials and conservative activists to return the Seahawks #43 jersey presented to him by Mack Strong and Matt Hasselbeck earlier this year. “After Sunday’s game, it’s becoming a real vulnerability,” explained a White House staffer. “The President can’t afford to have himself associated with that level of incompetence.”

Monday, September 10th
General Petraeus testifies before the Senate.

Tuesday, September 11th
The Washington Post reports that Col. Pete Devlin, the Chief of Intelligence for the Marine Corps, filed a secret report describing the situation in the Anbar Province as dire and beyond the potential for improvement. Summarizing the report, one Army officer said, “we have been defeated politically—and that’s where wars are won and lost.”

Wednesday, September 12th
The Los Angeles Times reports that the United States has secretly been negotiating with Shiite cleric Muqtada Al-Sadr’s Mahdi Army, the fearsome militia that made Fallujah such a hornet’s nest for U.S. troops. Their demand? A starring role for their leader in the next Matrix movie.

Thursday, September 13th
In his speech on Iraq, Bush says “Anbar Province is a good example of how our strategy is working.”

Friday, September 14th
Catching up on the week’s sports news and his fantasy football lineup, Dick Cheney reads of Bill Belichick’s troubles. “Send him a signed waterboard,” he tells his secretary. “Put a ‘Patriot Act’ pun in the note and be sure to let him know we’ve got a tap on Dungy’s phone.”

Serbian basketball forward Darko Milicic’s recent post-game rant set me adrift on memory bliss. There have been so many great tantrums and tirades by our sporting entertainers over the years. Here I present my favorite ten (of those recorded and available on the Internet), which I shall call the ten greatest, if only to encourage debate. I’ve deliberately left off Mike Tyson, as his are a little too sad and disturbing for me to really enjoy. I’ve also omitted Phillip Wellman’s famous tantrum, as it seemed a bit calculated and playful, as well as the Jim Rome/Jim Everett debacle, for the same reasons. Be warned that the list contains NSFW/profane audio and text.

The Ten Greatest Sports Tantrums Available on the Internet

10. Mike Sanford

A top-notch sports tantrum can take many forms. Sanford decided to go the civil disobedience route after his UNLV Rebels football team lost to the Iowa State Cyclones. Sanford asserted (wrongly, as replays later showed) that a UNLV receiver had been inbounds when catching a potentially game-winning pass. Bringing Walden Pond to the breadbasket, Sanford stormed the field, telling his players “we’re not leaving” and demanding a meeting with the Iowa State athletic director. He may trip and stumble, but in the end he takes a principled stand. Here’s to you, Mike.

9. Lennox Lewis and Hasim Rahman

This one isn’t much to look at—a kiss-me-or-push-me moment of truth, a lot of awkward grappling, and some crashing into tables. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find a clip containing the lead-up. But here’s what you need to know:

A few days before their fight, Lewis and Rahman were taping a promotional appearance on ESPN’s “Up Close and Personal” with Gary Miller. Referring to previous comments by Rahman, Miller asked Lewis, “Did Rahman question your sexuality?” Lewis ignored Miller and glared at Rahman. “Why you starting that gay stuff? I’m not gay. Why you call me gay?” Rahman replied that Lewis’ lawsuit to force a rematch between the two of them was a “gay move…I don’t know why he was offended.”

Declaring himself “100% women’s man,” Lewis offered to prove his assertion with Rahman’s sister. Rahman took offense. The rest is below:

8. Dennis Green

Following a loss in which his underdog Cardinals blew a big lead, Green offered his thoughts on their more ballyhooed opponent, the Chicago Bears. He’s like the middle school kid who had his lunch money taken and almost stood up to the big bad bully. Impotent Rage, thy name is Dennis Green. (Also, note the slight resemblance, at least in this clip, to The Family Guy’s Cleveland Brown.)

7. Jim Mora

Mora has had a number of highly-regarded postgame rants, but this is his most famous. Enjoy the polite qualifiers (In my opinion, that sucked) as well as the concluding Don Knotts/Barney Fife impression during the discussion of “playoffs.”

6. Lou Piniella (and other baseball tantrums we don’t get to hear)

It seems MLB has cracked down on game footage on YouTube, making it difficult to find some of Piniella’s best performances, but one of his 2002 outbursts can be found on this compilation. We see a strong performance by Lloyd McLendon, but Piniella is the real star. Nobody looks funnier throwing a base than Lou Piniella.

5. Darko Milicic

Darko received a $14k fine for this outburst, though it probably should’ve been a grounding instead. Gone are the frosted tips and gangly physique, but Darko remains ever the teenager. With Larry Brown but a distant memory, Darko takes aim at another authority figure, the refs.

4. Tommy Lasorda

Next up, a dugout argument between manager Tommy Lasorda and pitcher Doug Rau during Game 4 of the 1977 World Series. This speech may be considered the forefather of George Bush’s “I’m the Decider.” The incessant organ music in the background gives it an air of carnival fun!

3. Hal McRaeAn otherwise standard clubhouse tantrum, with a lot of profanity and throwing of random objects (note the reporter’s bleeding cheek—the result of being struck by the flying phone), McRae’s tirade is made special by his attire. His baseball pants and undershirt resemble a child’s pajamas—just one step up from a onesy.

2. Lee Elia

In 1983, Elia managed a talented but not quite mature Cubs team that finished the season under .500. The next year, they went on to win their division (before blowing a 2-0 series lead to San Diego in the NLCS—still painful to think about). But in April of ‘83, few could see the good things to come. Cub fans, frustrated by the team’s perennial losing, booed repeatedly during a 5-4 loss to the Dodgers that left the team’s record at 5-14. Meeting with reporters in the clubhouse after the game, Elia unleashed a tirade for the ages.

1. Earl WeaverOne of baseball’s all-time leader in ejections, Earl Weaver was a man before his time, engaging in the sort of rigorous statistical analysis that still eludes some managers today (see McLaren, John). Here he appears on The Manager’s Corner, his weekly radio show. I’m not sure whether it’s fair to classify this as a tantrum, but whatever it is, it deserves to be number one.

Friday, August 31st
-Tony Snow gets an early start on the Labor Day celebration of the American working man and woman by announcing his resignation from the position of White House press secretary, stating that his salary of $168,000 just wasn’t cutting it. “Like my friend Latrell, I’ve got a family to feed.”
-His replacement, Dana Perino, gears up for her new responsibilities. The woman who receives 600 e-mails a day is about to get a lot busier. The White House IT department hurries to prepare itself. “That’s a lot of e-mails we have to make sure are deleted permanently,” explains an insider.

Tuesday, September 4th
-Looking to get a leg up on his fantasy football competition, Dick Cheney orders a wiretap on the phone of Indianapolis Colts’ coach Tony Dungy. Cheney’s chief of staff, David “One Bomb Away” Addington, notices the request and asks Cheney what it’s about. “I gotta see how much he’s going to use Addai,” says Cheney, referring to the Colts’ star running back. “If they’re going to the air, I’ll sit him.”
“The air?” Replies Addington. “Addai? With a name like that, he should be on the no-fly list!” They share a laugh.
-”Kicking ass” joins “heckuva job” on the list of superlative phrases that can no longer be used without sounding insincere. (No word on whether “taking names” was tainted as well.)

Thursday, September 6th
-Basking in the glow of his many successes, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales addresses the Coast Guard Academy. On the subject of the Guantanamo Bay detention camps, he says, “Never before in our nation’s history have we given such robust protection to combatants picked up on the field of battle.”

Barbed wire fences, camp counselors protect X-Ray detainees from wild bears.

Earmuffs, goggles are “like a v-chips for people,” explains Gonzales. “It’s truly ’see no evil, hear no evil.’”

Friday, September 7th
-General Petraeus writes a letter to American forces in Iraq. “Sectarian violence continues…albeit at considerably reduced levels of [sic] 8 months ago…In fact, the number of attacks across the country has declined 8 of the past 11 weeks.” The kicker: Shiite-on Shiite attacks, Sunni-on-Sunni attacks, and car bombings don’t count as sectarian violence.

General Motors is considering a recall of their Baghdad shipment, citing a tendency of many of the models to spontaneously combust.