Check out Reid’s latest opuses, conveying the full range of swirling, gripping emotions produced by the Sonics relocation saga:

Last night, Kevin Durant had career highs of 42 points and 13 rebounds in the Sonics season-capping victory over the Golden State Warriors. Earlier this year, after the Seattle Fire Department put out an embarrassing scoreboard fire (with an assist from Squatch) the Warriors blew out the Sonics so badly that I left at halftime. But by the last couple weeks, the Supers had matured into a tough ticket, a team you didn’t want to face if you were jockeying for a playoff spot.

Now the season’s over and the team’s future location sadly uncertain. Nevertheless, it’s time to grade the on-the-floor product (or what remains of it–I left off the traded players). This was tougher than I thought: when I scanned my original list of grades, there was hardly even a ‘C’ among them, and how can a 20-win team get all A’s and B’s? I went through again with a more critical eye, but still, I like this team, and it’s not really their fault they sucked. Without further ado:

Chris Wilcox: B-
It’s hard to know which is receding faster–his hairline or the dream that he’ll somehow harness his considerable hops and brawn and become a top-notch power forward. His failures seem to arise more from a lack of guile and skill than effort, but how hard would it be to develop a lefty jump hook? He still finishes an alley-oop as well as anybody.

Earl Watson: B
The Earl posted his finest pro season, which, while featuring an impressive combination of defense, penetration, and professionalism, didn’t entertain like his time at UCLA. Thus I propose he be called “The Earl of Westood,” in remembrance of those halcyon days when he and Baron Davis (“The Baron of Westwood”) finished each other’s alley-oops like Peter North finishes scenes: with gusto. For those keeping score, Westwood now boasts an Earl, a Baron, a Miller, and a Wizard. It’s like its own little medieval video game.

Johan Petro: C-
It’s hard for me to offer an objective assessment of the man who karate kicked the Hip To Be Fit Cadillac Remix into YouTube glory and whose infrequent highlights inspired Kevin Calabro to bellow his uniquely sublime “Sacre Bleu!” I shall try, though. The Frenchman displayed a fairly reliable mid-range jumper (which he forced too often, leading to a terrible shooting percentage), occasional rebounding prowess, and no ability to defend or use his left hand. At least the Sonics didn’t use a lottery pick on him, like they did on…

Robert Swift: Incomplete
In his few minutes this year, Wild Bobby Ginger looked raw…Monday Night Raw! Sure, the NBA pays better and the ponytailed pivot likely has another few years of hardwood promise to unfulfill, but when you’re done chasing those chimerical hoop dreams, Bobby, I know a guy named Vince who has a few vials of the good stuff and a job for you.

Mo Sene: C+
Rounding out the twenty-one feet of first-round 5-spot bench ballast is my favorite of the three, the Senegalese sensation with the Van Damme video collection, Mouhamed Saer Sene. While Mo looked a little lost on offense on his too-few call-ups, he did inflict some serious D-League damage, to the tune of a Defensive Player of the Year Award for that circuit. Keep up the good work, Mo!

Mikael Gelabale: B-
Showed some promise for a hot minute, then blew out his knee. He and Mo formed a classic comic pairing at the end of the bench, and if there’s any justice in the hoop universe, they’ll someday, somewhere get a chance to ball together. Picture ‘em rollin’!

Luke Ridnour: C-
In assessing our team’s chances for success, an old basketball coach of mine used to say “you can’t make chicken soup out of chicken shit.” Well, with the help of some heavy seasoning, Frodo’s managed to make an edible broth. But 170-pound point guards who can’t shoot and aren’t terribly athletic shouldn’t be logging heavy minutes in the NBA.

Damien Wilkins: D
He scored 41 points in a double overtime game against the Hawks in November. That was fun and the exception to this rule: with Wilkins, the fewer the shots and minutes, the better.

Maximus Szczerbiak: Incomplete
Conceived as a Celtic and born a Cavalier, the future ruler nevertheless gestated as a SuperSonic. Little Z will have plenty of money, likely accompanied by good looks and an imposing physique. As the Bard once quipped, some “have greatness thrust upon them.” Live up to your name, kid.

Nick Collison: B+
Larry Brown would say that Collison played the right way. Of course, David Lee played the right way and Brown benched him. If you’re reading this, Larry Brown, please accept my heartfelt ‘fuck you’ for your sabotage of the 2005-2006 Knicks season. And Nick–nice work.

Jeff Green: B+
The former Hoya was something of a hoops dilletante, dabbling in a potpourri of roles–the Rodman-esque rebounder, the Radman-esque marksman, the raw rookie who loves to dunk. I have it on no less an authority than Steve “Snapper” Jones that Green regularly arrived early and stayed late to work on his game, something that paid off in an improved handle, left hand, and three-point shot. In the last month, he started to take a lot of shots, which would have been more alarming had he not been playing in a seven-man, D-League-caliber rotation.

Kevin Durant: A
He finished the season as one of only three teenagers to average 20 points a game–the other two being Lebron James and Carmelo Anthony. While his predecessors were physically mature as rookies, the long-limbed Durantula (Michiko Kakutani might call him the long-limned Durantula) still looks like he might get caught in a pool drain. Nevertheless, he soared over the rookie wall, finishing the season with a string of dominant performances and showing a promising flair for the dramatic. Seattle’s turned its lonely eyes to you, Mr. Durant. Please don’t go.

P.J. Carlesimo: B-
Chicken soup, chicken shit. The halfcourt offense was stagnant, but those mock turtlenecks and beige blazers were pretty hot.

Sam Presti: A
A fairly flawless first campaign. If I have to eat a broth made of chicken shit, I want Sam Presti to be the one preparing it. Another scoop of poop, Soup Nazi!

Kevin Calabro and Steve “Snapper” Jones: A+
Calabro’s the finest play-by-play announcer in the NBA, in this homer’s opinion, and Snapper proved that he doesn’t need lil’ bro Walton to excel. Top notch work, fellas.

Congrats to my good friend and Haymaker & Sally collaborator Jason “Reidster” Reid: Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban praised Reid’s “Don’t Stop Believing” remix of the Christine Gregoire rally that “Save Our Sonics” crashed (I was generously given a “musical supervisor” credit for suggesting the Journey hit), calling it an “important” effort in a TV interview last night. Sure, Cuban spoke about it only briefly, but he did go out of his way to bring it up. Note to Reidster: since he obviously reads your e-mails and admires your work, maybe you could talk to Mr. Cuban about funding your next feature?

168? How you like them Nuggets, Kiki?

Not sure what to say about this one. The Nuggets set the NBA season record for points in a half in the first half, then matched it in the second. If Kevin Durant had scored 73 rather than 23 points, the Supes still would’ve lost. It’s enough to make one yearn for those European soccer leagues where teams can get bumped down. Maybe instead of bringing Mo Sene (7 points in 9 minutes!) up, we should’ve just sent the Sonics down.

FYI, The Nugs’ all-time scoring record is 186 points, set in a triple-overtime game in 1983 by the faster-paced Alex English/Kiki Vandeweghe-led squad in a faster-paced NBA. Those Denver teams, whose offensive binge lasted much of the 80s, averaged 126.5 points per game in the 81-82 season, but never hit 168 points in a regulation game.

You may have seen this already on the Weekly. Reid and I made a second “Where Amazing Happens” commercial poking fun at fat cats Stern, Bennett, Schultz, etc.

In Bill Simmons’ recent “Save the Sonics” mailbag, Pat from Berkley, Massachusetts wrote:

I must not be watching enough TV because I haven’t seen the “NBA Cares” commercial with Clay Bennett and David Stern fondling money and in the background there is a group of ex-Sonics fans burning their Kevin Durant and Ray Allen jerseys. What a joke. The NBA: Where ripping out an entire city’s heart happens.

Well, here it is: the NBA ad celebrating the Sonics’ potential relocation to Oklahoma City:

An update on Mo Sene from last week’s Buzzer Beater

Senegalese Sensation Mo Sene went off to the tune of 30 points and 18 rebounds in an Idaho Stampede loss to the Austin Toros last night (hat tip to commenter SSFan4Life at the SonicsCentral message boards). The game before that, he put up 16 and 15.

What are you waiting for, Sam Presti? The seasons’s lost anyway. Bring up Mo!

As you likely know, we at Buzzer Beater are big fans of spindly Sonics swingman Mikael Gelabale. Hence, we were elated when he started getting big minutes and putting up big numbers. However, after one bad shooting performance, Jelly has found himself again at the bottom of the rotation. What gives, PJ? Surely you can’t be that enamored of Damien Wilkins’ low-ceiling, high volume one-on-one ball?

We think the decision is coming not from PJ, but from his bosses. Specifically, Sam Presti saw in Jelly’s sharp-shooting and quick-footed ‘D’ the potential for a Sonics winning streak, thus jeopardizing the team’s shot at a top lottery pick. Or perhaps it goes even higher: Clayton Bennett saw the writing on the wall, and didn’t want the lovable Frenchman saving Seattle basketball. Or perhaps even higher, from David Stern himself.

So, Buzzer Beaten Sonics faithful, take these rumors and run. Put on your Ron Mexico jersey and spread them far and wide. As with our team, they can’t take our Jelly without a fight.

For old times’ sake: the savior shows the kids of North Beach Elementary how to stay fit AND have fun!

The Birdman is back! The NBA reinstated super-tatted high-flying wild child Chris Andersen after his two year suspension for violating the league’s substance abuse policy. The Hornets–the team he was playing for when the suspension came down–have 30 days to re-sign him and probably will do so immediately. But if for some strange reason they don’t, consider this a plea, Mr. Presti: bring us the Birdman!

Also, PJ: More Gelabale, less Wilkins!

The Birdman poses with a Hornets Summer Clinic attendee

To cap off the slew of basketball-related posts I just put up, I direct you to my article on the Boom Squad, the b-boy crew that performs during breaks in Sonics games. As always, if you like it, feel free to leave a comment over there.