Memphis guard Chris Douglas-Roberts on star teammate Derrick Rose’s stomach troubles:

“He eats Gummy Bears and Starburst for breakfast, and Twizzlers and Honey Buns for dinner. That’s why his stomach hurts. We tell Derrick the whole year, ‘Stop eating so many Gummy Bears and Sour Straws.’ But he can’t. … Nobody eats Gummy Bears more than him.”

Apologies to any remaining readers for my prolonged dereliction of posting duties. It will continue, as I’ll be in Mexico the next six days for my friends Nick and Elizabeth’s wedding. In the meantime, enjoy Golden State Warriors star Baron Davis on roller skates (with a vintage New Edition sountrack!). It’s not new to the Internet, but it’s new to me, and I spend a lot of time on the Internet reading about basketball, so I figure it may be new to some of you:

A few years ago, I spent a summer in Atlanta, and I recall the MARTA ride to the airport passing a large, dilapadated building on the side of which was spraypainted something like “The End Times Is Near!”

Well, with financial markets and cranes collapsing, I figured it was time to check in with the world’s foremost rapturologists at Rapture Ready’s Rapture Index to learn whether the End Times are in fact arriving. It turns out that even with today’s financial collapses, the Rapture Index is only at 168. Yesterday’s 169 was actually our high for the year—and was still well off the all-time high of 182 on September 24, 2001. Oh, how I yearn for the halcyon days of December 1993, when we heathens felt safer with the Rapture Index at an anemic 53!

The number of variables in the Rapture Index makes me wonder whether End Times forecasting has spurred a cottage industry of amateur statistical analysis the way baseball and basketball have; i.e. whether there are a bunch of believers coming up with their own (unprovable) formulas at home. What a hobby—endless fun in an ending world!

168? How you like them Nuggets, Kiki?

Not sure what to say about this one. The Nuggets set the NBA season record for points in a half in the first half, then matched it in the second. If Kevin Durant had scored 73 rather than 23 points, the Supes still would’ve lost. It’s enough to make one yearn for those European soccer leagues where teams can get bumped down. Maybe instead of bringing Mo Sene (7 points in 9 minutes!) up, we should’ve just sent the Sonics down.

FYI, The Nugs’ all-time scoring record is 186 points, set in a triple-overtime game in 1983 by the faster-paced Alex English/Kiki Vandeweghe-led squad in a faster-paced NBA. Those Denver teams, whose offensive binge lasted much of the 80s, averaged 126.5 points per game in the 81-82 season, but never hit 168 points in a regulation game.

You may have seen this already on the Weekly. Reid and I made a second “Where Amazing Happens” commercial poking fun at fat cats Stern, Bennett, Schultz, etc.

One day after the airing of the last episode of The Wire–the topical urban TV drama in which nearly every idealistic reformer is either undone by his/her personal demons or is corrupted by the quest for power–New York’s Eliot Spitzer sees his political career potentially torpedoed by his patronage of a prostitution ring. For those who don’t recall, Spitzer’s ascendence was due largely to his image as an ethically-beyond-reproach Attorney General. With the help of “more powerful prosecutorial tools than any official in the country“, he took on and bested huge, influence-wielding industries (insurers, investment bankers), getting himself named “Crusader of the Year” and “the people’s champion” by Time Magazine in 2002.

Now, just like [insert idealistic Wire character here], it appears his quest to change the world may be largely done.

House Bill 2712, the anti-gang legislation I wrote about here, passed the Senate on Friday, minus two key provisions. Gone are the controversial civil injunctions, which could have enabled city attorneys or prosecutors to prohibit gang members from associating with one another, even for lawful purposes. The injunctions were removed by Senator Margarita Prentice, who explained that she feared they would be used in a racially discriminatory manner.

More notably, the Ways and Means Committee removed the social “intervention” programs that were touted as essential by all of the bill’s supporters. A spokesperson for the Senate Democratic Caucus explained that the Ways and Means Committee didn’t want future legislatures to be bound by the $10 million earmark. This excuse seems strange insofar as, by the time the bill got to the Ways and Means Committee, the original earmark for intervention programs had been softened to an advisory statement (from “the sum of $10 million is appropriated” (pdf) to “it is the consensus that…should be appropriated” (pdf)), while real earmarks for the law enforcement end of the bill remained. The Committee managed to remove the dollar-specifics for law enforcement, but chucked the social programs baby with its earmark bathwater.

The bill now goes back to the House for concurrence and then on to the Governor for a signature.

In Bill Simmons’ recent “Save the Sonics” mailbag, Pat from Berkley, Massachusetts wrote:

I must not be watching enough TV because I haven’t seen the “NBA Cares” commercial with Clay Bennett and David Stern fondling money and in the background there is a group of ex-Sonics fans burning their Kevin Durant and Ray Allen jerseys. What a joke. The NBA: Where ripping out an entire city’s heart happens.

Well, here it is: the NBA ad celebrating the Sonics’ potential relocation to Oklahoma City:

An update on Mo Sene from last week’s Buzzer Beater

Senegalese Sensation Mo Sene went off to the tune of 30 points and 18 rebounds in an Idaho Stampede loss to the Austin Toros last night (hat tip to commenter SSFan4Life at the SonicsCentral message boards). The game before that, he put up 16 and 15.

What are you waiting for, Sam Presti? The seasons’s lost anyway. Bring up Mo!

As you likely know, we at Buzzer Beater are big fans of spindly Sonics swingman Mikael Gelabale. Hence, we were elated when he started getting big minutes and putting up big numbers. However, after one bad shooting performance, Jelly has found himself again at the bottom of the rotation. What gives, PJ? Surely you can’t be that enamored of Damien Wilkins’ low-ceiling, high volume one-on-one ball?

We think the decision is coming not from PJ, but from his bosses. Specifically, Sam Presti saw in Jelly’s sharp-shooting and quick-footed ‘D’ the potential for a Sonics winning streak, thus jeopardizing the team’s shot at a top lottery pick. Or perhaps it goes even higher: Clayton Bennett saw the writing on the wall, and didn’t want the lovable Frenchman saving Seattle basketball. Or perhaps even higher, from David Stern himself.

So, Buzzer Beaten Sonics faithful, take these rumors and run. Put on your Ron Mexico jersey and spread them far and wide. As with our team, they can’t take our Jelly without a fight.

For old times’ sake: the savior shows the kids of North Beach Elementary how to stay fit AND have fun!