DraftExpress posted the Orlando draft camp measurements today. See how the player you want to see drafted ranks in such metrics as no-step vertical jump, 185 lb bench press, and body fat percentage!

Of note: Jerryd Bayless measured well in everything but wingspan, O.J. Mayo tied for the highest maximum vertical jump, and the slimmed down Kevin Love is still nearly 13% body fat but has a better maximum vertical jump than noted athletes Davon Jefferson and Joey Dorsey. It’s endless fun for draft dorks, so dig in!

Thanks to Nick for the heads-up.

Richard Nixon reportedly viewed Patton–one of his favorite movies–the night before he decided to bomb Hanoi. But while it’s not unusual for hawkish presidents to look to war heroes (or celluloid portrayals thereof) for foul-mouthed, inspirational exhortations, the inverse is nearly unheard of. Until now, that is. Ladies and Gentleman, your President, as presented by General Ricardo S. Sanchez:

During a videoconference with his national security team and generals, Sanchez writes, Bush launched into what he described as a “confused” pep talk:

“Kick ass!” he quotes the president as saying. “If somebody tries to stop the march to democracy, we will seek them out and kill them! We must be tougher than hell! This Vietnam stuff, this is not even close. It is a mind-set. We can’t send that message. It’s an excuse to prepare us for withdrawal.”

“There is a series of moments and this is one of them. Our will is being tested, but we are resolute. We have a better way. Stay strong! Stay the course! Kill them! Be confident! Prevail! We are going to wipe them out! We are not blinking!”

A White House spokesman had no comment.

The Bush Administration jumped so many sharks this week it should change its name to Knievel. First, Scott McClellan—the most docile of the press secretaries, the roundfaced, bullied mouthpiece who repeated himself like the broken Vista guy in the Mac ads when the real world Jack Donaghys finally lifted their moratorium on journalism—hit ‘em up with the publication of a book that, as Frank Rich points out, covers a lot of familiar territory, but still fingers W’s henchmen for some nasty business. Alas, when a useful idiot ceases to be useful, he still makes a sound.

Then, Condi Rice swung through Scandinavia to the tune of headlines like “Condeleezza Rice enlists in KISS Army Fan Club” and “Rice rejects Iceland’s criticism of Guantanamo Bay.” I’m not one for stuffy notions of the dignity of the office, and I give Rice credit for kicking it with all our NATO allies, and not just the big guns, but there’s something sad about having to take the Guantanamo fight to Reykjavik when you already got clowned domestically by Harold and Kumar. It feels a little like Ted Haggard’s latest proclamation of heterosexuality. At least she got a photo-op with the dude who called Islam “a vile culture.”

But Bjork’s countryfolk weren’t the only island-dwellers to give W’s operation the shaft this week: today, Australia announced it was cutting and running from Iraq, mate. The contraction of our foreign coalition matches the contraction of W’s coalition in Congress: W and his would-be successor can’t even strong arm enough of their fellow elephants into opposing the new G-I bill to make it subject to a veto.

With Karl Rove defending his myopic strategery and dogging McLellan from his Fox News perch and Ari Fleischer, whose credibility is beyond reproach, coming out of his Arli$$ retirement to suggest that McClellan’s accusations actually came from a Random House editor, one wonders, where is attack dog #1, the the gun-waving, terrorism-fighting, smirking, steaming #2 known as Dick Cheney. It used to be, when things got hot, Dick got on camera. Where’s our “last throes,” Dick? Where’s a smirk and a McCarthyite attack on your opponents’ patriotism? Shark got your tongue? Sometimes a stunt gets the better of even a dude who’s earned the title “Evil.”

Dunno how long this will stay up, as it’s being taken down elsewhere for copyright reasons. Enjoy it while you can. This dude is ridiculous.

Thanks to Scott for the tip.

NYC readers looking for something to do on Saturday should check out the Bicycle Film Festival. My friend and Haymaker & Sally collaborator Jason Reid will be showing his short, “Across the Czech Republic”. More info here.

Check out my most recent web column, on the Sonics owners, e-mails, and my friend Craig.

Full archive of them can be found here.

DraftExpress’s Jonathan Givony and ESPN’s Chad Ford are reporting that the Sonics are leaning heavily towards drafting University of Arizona guard Jarred Bayless with their fourth pick. Says Ford, “of the first four picks in the draft, this one looks like the closest to a lock.”

And a fun fact from Givony: The Sonics had the league’s fourth fastest-paced offense last year. Of course, that may be more the result of Durant jacking up early jumpers than of a true push-the-pace philosophy, but it’s encouraging to learn that, however haphazard or muddled the team’s fast break offense was, Carlesimo has learned to loosen the reins a little.

Famous baseball manager Earl Weaver was known for such feats of wrath as getting himself kicked out of both ends of a double-header (three times) and getting kicked out of a game during the exchange of lineup cards (twice). But his best-known bit of crustiness is this interview, which I named the number one sports tantrum of all time, despite doubting that it was unscripted.

Well, Baltimore Sun columnist Rick Maese did the legwork to satisfy the curiosity of Weaver admirers everywhere and find the real story behind Earl declaring that “Alice Sweet oughta be worried about where the fuck her next lay is coming from…if she’d get her ass out at the bars at night and go hustling around the goddamn streets she might get a prick stuck in her once in a while.”

ESPN’s Chad Ford is reporting that, with Chicago likely to draft Derrick Rose, Miami is becoming more and more interested in O.J. Mayo (subscription required), and in potentially trading down with the Sonics, Grizzlies, or Timberwolves, all of whom would likely want the second pick to use on MIchael Beasley. (I’ve always wondered if teams who trade down more than one pick ever get burned doing it. Do they have contingency deals with all the teams after them–i.e. would Miami have one ready with each of the aforementioned teams, so that no matter who picked Mayo, the Heat would be able to get him?)

While it’s obviously super early for draft rumors to be given much credence, the potential trio of Durant, Green, and Beasley is fun to contemplate. If Presti had the good sense to jettison Carlesimo, the team could even move Beasley to the five, start Green at the four, and put Durant at the three (where he’ll likely end up anyway) and play D’Antoni style. (They could also do the same with Wilcox or Collison at the five, but that’s less of a long-term solution.) Of course, this would require the right point guard, so here’s fantasizing that the Supes score Ricky Rubio in next year’s draft. The 17-year-old is already dominating Europe’s best league, where he’s been playing since he was 16.

Finally, a video for Mike and all the hoop-nostalgists and Del the Funky Homosapien Fans:

My latest “The Bounce to Ecstasy!” column came out today. It’s about the NBA Draft Lottery, a proposed reality show, and the Sonics’ next draft choice. Check it out!